Summer’s fading away can lead to a dip in your mood.  When it turns cloudy and the air is cooler it may be a bit of a let down when you realize that winter and the holidays are just ahead.   But there is also good news when the weather turns. And I don’t just mean the amazing foliage, crunchy apples and fresh pumpkin pie.  In my experience, it’s easier to find love in the Fall!  There are three reasons for this. First, singles, like all of us, raised in the rhythm of a school calendar, are conditioned to buy new wardrobes and give themselves a mini-makeover in the fall—so they feel more attractive and ready to go for it.  Second, for around the first 20 years of our lives, including preschool and college, we are encouraged by our families to socialize in autumn as we enter a new grade with new peers. This form of conditioning tends to shape our behavior even when formal schooling ends.

Finally, the fall is a signal that the holidays are coming up and nothing can be more depressing than facing another round of holidays alone. This realization mobilizes singles to roll up their sleeves and work more proactively on their dating, so there’s more love to go around. In fact, two studies have shown that dating in the fall can lead to increased romantic involvements later in the year.

Fall also provides an influx of new students for graduate school and college dating. Being in a new dorm or school often creates loneliness and social anxiety and increases the need to form a love attachment in order to feel secure. But for you students going back to school, and especially those leaving home for college, don’t commit the single biggest mistake singles make: hooking up and coupling too soon. Play the field and don’t get boxed into a committed relationship before you have a chance to learn more about yourself.

So, no matter what your age, Fall is a great time to network. The secret to falling back to real love is to take advantage of all the new connections by networking and meeting as many people as possible. My Dating Program of Three is a powerful strategy that has you date three people casually with no sex and is your ticket to a real relationship. Meet as many people as possible: use the Autumn dating advantage!

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my best-selling dating advice book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Today’s relationship tip  blog is written by one of our expert Love Mentors®, Karen Holland. Karen is also a licensed marriage and family therapist and is well-known in the Denver area. In the first half of this two-part essay she showed how communication is like plumbing and wiring in our homes; we take it for granted until it goes bad. In this blog, Karen shares ten relationship  tips for how to communicate about a touchy subject (without triggering a fight!)

Ten Relationship Tips for Talking About a Touchy Subject

1. Soften Your Start Up! –  If you go on the attack (or you start with a manipulative comment to get a certain outcome), you will get met with resistance or defensiveness.  And wind up mired in conflict.  Examples of how to soften start up:

“Honey, something’s been bothering me. Can we talk for a moment?”

“I know when we’ve talked about this in the past it hasn’t gone well, but I’d like it to be different this time.”

“Hey, is now a good time to bring something up? I’ve been bothered about something and just thought we should clear the air.”

2.      Use non-verbal gestures to keep the connection while you talk.  Lightly touch knees, hug, hold hands, offer a glass of water, help each other if in the middle of a task, etc.  This can be really soothing to someone who gets anxious when there’s tension between you.  Also, it might be better to talk side by side rather than face to face.

3. Try making a repair in the middle of the conversation if you see the conversation is not going in the right direction.  Repairs might be something like:

- “Oh! I didn’t mean to say it that way, can I start again?”

- “Wow, I really messed that up right now. I’m really sorry.” 

- “I don’t like how this is going. I’m afraid we’re going to start yelling like we always do.   -  Can we start over more calmly?”

- Humor or gentle teasing (especially poking fun at yourself) is a great way to ease tension.

4. Shift complaints into requests.  Instead of, “I hate it when you don’t wipe down the stove when cleaning up the kitchen” say, “Hon, will you wipe down the stove? I’d appreciate it.”

5. Don’t criticize, say something that manipulates their fears/feelings of shame or intentionally trigger them.  For example, don’t say, “Why do you always….” Or “You never…” or “God, you’re so….” If you do, try making an immediate repair.

6.  Don’t resist when your partner is sharing a concern or complaint.  If you resist, it persists!! You won’t allow your partner to get over his/her frustration or feel heard if you keep resisting what s/he is saying (by being defensive, criticizing in return, withdrawing from the conversation, etc.).  You don’t have to agree with them, but it goes a long way to validate what they’re saying. Examples of ways to validate and not resist:

 “Okay, I can see what you mean…”

“Okay, I really got what you said and how you feel about that… You feel this…”

“I know, I see your point…”

“Yes, I know, I do that sometimes”

“It must be hard feeling that way…”

7. Listen more than you talk. If you find yourselves feeling like you’re on two different planets when you talk, it’s probably because you’re not really listening to each other.  You may be lost in your own head or planning what you want to say next.  Remember, PRESENCE is what is most needed for good communication.

8. Learn to ask directly for what you want and need.  Stop wishing s/he would just “get it” and start asking for what you want to have happen.  Say things like, “I want you to hug me right now.”; “I would like you to tell me you appreciate how hard I work.”; “I want you to start planning more dates.” This one relationship tip can make a lot of great things happen in your love relationship!

9. Remember this is the person you fell in love with and your goal is to stay close and be happy. This means staying in line with your personal values when you communicate.

10. Don’t talk when you’re moderately to extremely upset or angry.  This is a critical relationship tip!  While it’s completely normal and healthy to get upset with each other, it does no good to talk about your issues when you’re too upset to talk well.  Signs up being too upset to talk:

-Racing pulse

-Flushed cheeks

-Tight chest, jaw, fists or arms

-Eyesight narrowing

-Stomach churning

- Crying uncontrollably

-Yelling or feeling like you want to scream, throw, hit

- Being lost in thoughts, past arguments or rehearsing your point of view over and over.

Top Relationship Tip Exercise*:

Practice Making Requests and No Resistance

1. Write down a common complaint (take it easy) and practice sharing it with your partner.  Pick an A and a B.
2. A – Start with sharing your feelings about it and then make a request. Remember to be soft, don’t attack, blame or criticize.
3. B – Validate and don’t resist what s/he is saying (remember, say things like “I see what you mean” or “Yes, I know I do that…”
4. Switch

*The point of this exercise is not to resolve issues but to share and learn that you can listen without resistance and bring up concerns without going on the attack.

Thank you, Karen, for your wise words and great relationship tips. If you would like a free 40-minute love mentoring session with a seasoned pro like Karen, click here or go to www.lovein90days.com/coaching.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Dating Advice for Women

‘Rachel,’ one of the awesome women in our Love Mentoring® program is rockin’ it on her journey to creating an extraordinary love relationship.  How?  She took on one of the most powerful and yet most challenging exercises in the dating advice book, Love in 90 Days, the “Loveless Eulogy”.  In this writing exercise you fast forward to a vision of the life that your deadly dating patterns, fear and self sabotage have laid out for you—a loveless life.  And you write your own eulogy.  

So you can then decide if this is the reality you want to live into.

I wanted to share Rachel’s journaling with you (with her permission, of course!) in this dating advice for women series. 

Writing Exercise #1: Rachel died today and it is with sadness that I say… that she was happiest when she was coupled happily and I believe that to be true, for she was unbearably romantic. The problem came when she began to develop intimacy with another; she found reasons why the relationship, deep down, would not last. Sometimes she told herself that it was her partner who did not quite measure up to her expectations, or was flawed in certain ways. Other times it was when her partner unknowingly and unintentionally did something to hurt her. She would allow that pain to penetrate to her deepest pain center and there it would sit and fester—the old wound opened anew that she never allowed to heal

As much as she outwardly proclaimed her love optimism, inwardly, she was the consummate pessimist, she would bristle when confronted with this possibility, and intellectually would qualify her pessimism being more akin to realism or at the very least, wise skepticism.  This conflict of head and heart was terribly confusing to her friends, her partners, and mostly to herself. Yet, it was simply too difficult for her to change. Her indelible conclusion was that if she truly gave her heart, it ultimately would not be wanted by the one she offered it to. And so, instead of having faith in love and holding hope in the face of set-backs and disappointments, she allowed those set-backs and disappointments to erect an impenetrable wall around her heart. She became lost in the grief of rejection that she assumed would happen,

The truest of tragedies about all of this is that Rachel had an infinite capacity for love. Indeed, if you asked her what she believed her soul’s purpose was, it was for love. Her heart was filled with potential and it soared with the feelings from another and for another. She lived too much in her head, though, over thinking, and unfortunately, talking her heart into destroying love. If only she had listened to her heart, followed her heart, and quieted her frightened, doubtful mind, she could have taken the leap. She could have found the faith that was barely beyond her grasp.

She wanted love, oh how she wanted to love and to be loved!

Wow, Rachel did an awesome job on this exercise—and spoke about issues of the heart we have all experienced at one time or another.  She worked very closely with her Love Mentor® and then she tackled the next exercise from Love in 90 Days, called the Right Time to Believe in Love.

Writing Exercise #2

Why now is a good time to love and why I am ready for the first time in my life    to love with complete trust, faith, and belief in myself, my partner, and my relationship

 This exercise is every bit as humbling as the previous one, for if you ask me to be absolutely honest. I will say that I believe I am ready for a relationship, yet is anyone ever completely ready? Are not the dynamics unpredictable when two hearts, minds, and spirits interact teach and learn from each other? You simply don’t know until you dive in and try. That’s my lesson from our Love Mentoring® work so far: to strip away the shroud of fears and jump with joyful faith into the risk. Once there, I believe I am far better prepared to flow with the give and take of relating.

I can say that I am more emotionally equipped to be a solid partner as I deal with my core fears and killer belief of “the chase me problem,” I can say that I am encouraged, feeling stronger by the day, more in tune and more fond of myself as I grow. I can say that my Love Mentoring “boot camp” of self love, emotional strength building, and physical fitness is being noticed by me and others. I can say that the issues raised by my partner were key and have haunted me long enough so that each day I pour my passion and exert my will into resolving them permanently. I am pleased by my progress. So in this regard, yes I am ready.

Given that my sight is crystal clear and my motivation akin to critical mass, I have set the following goals for myself. I read them and take them in a few times each day. They speak to my readiness for love. They are written in the present tense to underscore my achieving them.

• I trust love in my life.
• I release the belief that I will be abandoned when I love.
• I am at peace with my birth mother abandoning me. She recognized her mistake.
• The strong adult I am is nurturing, embracing, and adoring my inner child.
• The wall around my heart is gone.
• I love my partner and everything is alright.
• I permanently release the fear of love rejection.
• I permanently release the belief that I am being rejected.  My confidence is strong!
• My heart is open, bold, and free –I welcome love!

__________________________________________________________________________

Thank you Rachel, for your inspiring work!  If you would like to work one-on-one with a Love Mentor® like Rachel did, contact me ASAP for a session by phone or Skype at http://www.lovein90days.com/coaching/ .  You can have a free 40 minute Love Mentoring consultation with one of the handpicked, expert Mentors who work directly under my supervision.  Let me tell you, they are devoted, wise, loving and can help you get exactly where you want to be.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Dr. Diana Kirschner        ♥Dating and Relationship Advice from my Heart to Yours♥

Here is another treat in the dating advice for women series!  A true (or should that be “True Blood” ? dating story from one of my students!  Enjoy!

Vampire Bill

Have you ever seen True Blood, a HBO show based on the Sookie Stackhouse book series? Well, it’s all about a virginal clairvoyant named Sookie and her encounters with supernatural beings like vampires, especially one sexy and virtuous vampire named Bill. She became immediately enamored with him because she could not read his thoughts. Finally! A man with whom she could relax and enjoy quiet reflection. On the flip-side, Bill could “glamor” any human he wanted something from…except Sookie. They were drawn to each other simply because their natural gifts were useless and they could just be themselves.

I had my own run-in with a man I will call Bill for this very reason. I spotted him staring from across a crowded concert. Usually men in my city aren’t so forward as to stare directly and intently, so I assumed he was from out of town. After sneaking a few more glances his way, I determined he was alone… and very handsome. I got a wonderfully sweet and sincere “vibe” from him that I will account to my affinity for “New Agers” so I waved him over. He immediately hit it off with my wide group of friends and I. We had wonderful conversation and danced the night away. Bill was in town from LA to see the Dalai Lama, and so he left a bit early to join the group meditation led by his holiness early the following morning. Of course he didn’t leave without requesting my number and a dinner date the next evening, another assertive quality that I find to be rare in men in my city.  It felt especially magical because I had just begun researching a career change and relocation to LA… go figure! I was totally blinded by his halo of goodness and the synchronicity of events.

Over dinner he told me all about his passion for healing and enlightened pastimes like Aikido martial arts and Tibetan Buddhist meditation, teachings and retreats. He worked as a trainer for the elderly and pursued a masters degree in Chinese medicine. He also informed me that he was not open to a relationship having just broken up with his girlfriend of 5 years, but he would open his heart to me, just as he would to any person he connected with as part of his spiritual practice. We shared things only old friends would and had wonderful, insightful conversation deep into the night. After dodging his advances a few times I finally let him kiss me. He was so humble, gentle and sweet. I trusted him immediately and completely.  I have to admit with that kind of chemistry jolting through my veins, I was hooked.

I travel quite a bit for work and so I wished him a good nights sleep,  safe travels and hopes that we could meet again in his hometown. He agreed that it would be really fun to hang out again. Over the weeks that followed our first date up until the days before my expected arrival in LA, he called, emailed or texted me every day, as frequently as his schedule would allow. I was flattered, but more than that, I was impressed with his ability to stay neutral while we discussed several topics that struck deeps chords in my soul and caused some emotional upheaval. He assured me there were no judgments and that it was safe to tell him anything. For the first time I felt like I could just relax and enjoy my reflections without causing anger or judgment. I was wrong.

Things unraveled when I expressed my distaste for his use of my photos to pleasure himself. By the 3rd time I mentioned my displeasure, he told me I was selfish and that I was projecting my sexual problems onto him. We had an argument. With my very best Diamond-Self judgment in tact, I sincerely felt I had expressed fear, sadness and disinterested feelings, not anger or judgment in hearing about his personal habits. He ranted about how he could always “glamor” any girl he wanted and that he always got into these type of arguments and issues because I wanted more than he could give. I felt like he was attributing every other dating relationship issue he had ever had to our dating relationship. When I backpedaled and tried to transition our connection into friendship, he told me he did not believe in friendship between men and women. We talked through it, but I was a bit unnerved and decided not to disclose anymore of my problems, at least not until I felt I could trust him again.

A week of more funny inside jokes and conversation passed and so I shared my travel itinerary to LA with him. We made arrangements for another date. Our connection was definitely romantic, but I had told him he should not expect sex. One solid month of intense conversation over the phone felt like several dates to me, but he has still not mentioned any interest in a commitment with me. Of course in my mind, that commitment and love connection might still happen once we spent time together again in person and then I would definitely want to sleep with him. The possibilities still felt endless to me, even though the writing was on the wall!

Our second argument was our last. I was trying to fit our date into my day off of work in LA, which was planned around his schedule. When his schedule changed, he asked to change our date. As we discussed the details of his long commute times in traffic and issues with dog ownership, he mentioned that his ex could not watch the dog for the day because it would be inconsiderate to ask her to take care of his responsibilities while he was “off banging some chick.” At first I took it as his sense of humor, but it did not sit well with me for obvious reasons. The old me would have hoped it was just a joke and brushed it off, internalized the blow. With my diamond self in full effect, I told him that he needed to watch his language and treat me with respect. He told me “I can’t handle this” because he was sick of all our “negative interactions” and “couldn’t give me what I wanted” and that he was “not open to debate the issue any further.”

At that point I realized we never talked about what we wanted. We talked about what he DIDN’T want and we talked about my problems. No wonder things were so messed up! He thought I was just some chick with a whole lot of baggage who didn’t have any expectations whatsoever. I told him I cared about him as much as I cared about all my friends and loved ones, but that I simply could not tolerate disrespect.  I have not heard from him since.

In the end, like Sookie, he was not able to glamor me, but only thanks to you, Dr. Diana. If he and I should ever encounter each other again, I can at least respect myself enough to know that I was not just another woman he used for sex with while recovering from his breakup. Also, I’ve learned to take men for face value. From now on I will not be glamored by their sweet actions when their words spell out something completely bad for me: “I’m not open to a relationship” plus meaningful conversation and phone calls, letters, dates, paying for dinner, making plans and constantly texting sweet nothings all day, everyday does not mean he’s looking for love or a commitment. It means he looking for sex and HE’S NOT INTO A RELATIONSHIP…period! Hopefully one day soon I’ll meet a man who respects me and loves me for standing my ground and does not shut down or run off. Until then, here’s a funny glamor scene from True Blood: http://youtu.be/subXGkZKD-w

Many thanks,
“A”

Thanks so much, “A”!!! Hope you enjoyed this awesome dating story!  For lots more on developing your empowered charismatic Diamond Self and taking charge of your dating and love life, pick up a copies of the bestselling books Love in 90 Days and Sealing the Deal:  The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love.  And please drop me a line about your success!!!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Dr. Diana Kirschner        ♥Dating and Relationship Advice from my Heart to Yours♥

“A soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other.”  Richard Bach

A question that I’ve been asked a lot is: “How can I tell if he’s my soul mate?” Followed by, “Can you really know for sure?” I have a whole chapter in my new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love, loaded with checklists and quizzes to help you figure out whether your partner truly is the One.  Here, hot off the press, are a few highlights on the soul mate question, adapted from that chapter.

Maybe you also believe that there is a soul mate out there for you. If you said yes, you’re not alone. Studies have shown that more than 90 percent of young adults believe in the concept, and 88 percent believe that destiny has determined that there is one and only one person who is your soul mate.

Amazing, considering that the idea is thousands of years old. In The Symposium, Plato described the soul mate as the person’s “other half” that has been split from him. The quest of life is to find that missing half, that twin flame. The theme has been exploited in movies like The Butcher’s Wife, The Time Traveler’s Wife, and City of Angels. Other views of soul mates include reincarnation and that the person is someone with whom we have shared other lives. The movie What Dreams May Come beautifully explored the profound connection that may continue after the death of one’s Beloved.

But the soul mate idea also carries with it the belief that a perfect person exists for us; if only we could find him or her, then love and life would be easy. This last belief has gotten people into a lot of trouble, especially in the area of commitment. By insisting on finding a perfect partner, many women have walked away from really great potential partners. Why? Because something was missing. Maybe it was chemistry, or maybe he didn’t match her ideal of the One, and so on. So they’ve ended up alone, still looking for that perfect soul mate. No wonder, then, that the renowned family psychiatrist Frank Pittman once said, “Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate.”

So what does science have to say about all this? Psychologists have found that people fall into two groups on the question of what makes for a successful relationship: Group one believes it’s based primarily on finding the “right person” (soul mate); while group two believes in the “work at it consistently” approach to lasting love. The soul mate group believes that choosing the right person helps overcome most of the problems that love throws our way. And if it doesn’t go so easy, we must have picked the wrong person. Therefore, on to the next partner. The “work at it” group believes that there are no perfect princes or princesses and that we are all works in progress. Therefore, a lasting love relationship is never an easy process, and we shouldn’t ever expect that.

Having been a psychologist for more than twenty-five years, and married to one man for the same long stretch, I can tell you that there are no perfect partners out there. Not me. Not my husband. Not any of my many clients, mentees, friends, or family members. Lasting love is a hard-won battle of personal discipline, compromise, dedication, and commitment.

But neither is everyone a good match for us. For example, there is research about scent and other physical traits playing roles in sexual attraction or desire. Other research shows that those who are of similar educational levels are more compatible. Therefore, while the one-perfect-person idea can lead to a long road of disappointment, there are certainly better and worse matches for us. If we are with a more compatible person, we are more likely to have the experience of being with the One who is a soul mate.

Chances are very good that there is more than one person—in fact several “Ones”—who could fit the bill for you. And all of them are less than perfect. But if there are no perfect partners, how can you know whether your current partner can fit the bill as a soul mate? Here are eleven relationship markers to help you know to what degree he is one of the Ones:

1.      When you’re with him you feel like you’ve come home.

2.      You feel like your partnership was meant to be; as if kissed by destiny.

3.      In your communication with each other, there is a rapid “knowing” of what each of you means.

4.      You have a shared mission in life, perhaps a cause, a career, or the creation of a family.

5.      When you’re together, the world seems like a better place.

6.      Your mood is elevated when you’re together. It’s not necessarily passion or excitement, although that’s there, too, at times.

7.      When you look at him, you see a part of yourself that’s been missing. Perhaps it’s his assertiveness or joy of adventure. But it’s something that, when added to your life, makes you feel more complete.

8.      Being together makes you more hopeful about the future you are creating.

9.      You can be more authentic and fully yourself around your partner.

10.  Being together makes each of you work harder on overcoming bad habits and becoming more loving people.

11.  These special qualities of connection are growing over time, not disappearing completely or diminishing.

Don’t worry if you don’t feel all eleven of these things happening when you’re with your partner. That’s where the imperfection comes in—either in you or in your partner. If you are experiencing six or more of these markers, chances are you are matched well. Over time you can work toward having all eleven of these soul mate qualities.

Bottom line: There are probably a number of guys who could click with you in a magical way as your soul mate. But if you are experiencing some magical moments of communion with your boyfriend, he could be the One of Ones. The connection usually happens in a variety of different ways. So stay open! To learn much more about soul mate connection, understanding the minds of men, and how to create commitment and lasting passionate love, pick up a copy of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love.  Simply buy your copy online or at a bookstore and then fill in your purchase info at http://www.lovein90days.com/your-bonus-gifts/ and you will instantly get many wonderful free bonus gifts from my friends, Arielle Ford, Dr. Christiane Northrup and other self-help and relationship experts.  Oh, and of course, I have some special gifts for you as well.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter.