All couples belong to what I call the Fight Club because they almost all fight.  Couples that don’t fight are the ones that therapists worry most about.  In fact, couples who do not fight have double the divorce rate of those who do. Loving couples do air their differences.  But they follow three certain rules to make sure that their disagreement does not turn into World War III with mutual assured destruction.

But before we get into the Fight Club Rules, I want you to take advantage of  FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to improve your relationship, fight fairly, keep the passion going and deepen commitment by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Now Back to the Rules.

Fight Club Rule #1: Anger and Criticism Do Not Take Over.

Anger and criticism lead to “flooding,” a stress explosion in which the heart beats more rapidly, blood pressure soars and adrenaline surges.  The whole body tenses up as fear, confusion and then more anger take over.  Reason goes out the window.  In experimental studies of conflict, even when couples are asked to calm down, men simply aren’t able to while women can. Biologically speaking, men are wired to react more quickly and for a longer time period, probably for vigilance and safety reasons. So that’s why it’s best to start an interaction that could become a fight in a soft, sweet, or affectionate way with Positive Shaping Talk.  While a man can often be triggered by mere criticism, it usually takes contempt or strong denigration to flood a woman.

Loving couples tend to avoid flooding and practice Positive Shaping Talk with each other. They keep anger/upset levels down. And if anger swirls out of control they may use breathing, time out, humor or other Fight Club Rules to defuse the situation.

Fight Club Rule #2: Agree to Disagree

A healthy couple agrees to disagree, discussing differences with respect and self control.  They often show each other that they understand the other’s point of view.  The partners realize that ultimately they both want the same thing: closeness and a sense of shared love.  If they feel heard and understood, like their opinion matters, they can often let go of the issue, back down and reenter into an intimate connection.  In loving couples, who is right and who is wrong matters much less.  In fact, these couples operate out of a fundamental paradox: “I accept you as you are,” on the one hand and on the other, “Now will you please change.” This paradox is so well known, that it became the title of a long-running Off-Broadway show written by a long-term couple called, I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change.

Fight Club Rule #3: End Conflict in a Win-Win Way

There are several ways you can help end conflict on a positive note. I have often used the “Take Two” technique with couples: either of them was able to call out “Take Two” when a fight erupted and they would start their “scene” all over again, but from a loving place.  Couples do this naturally when one of them says something like, “Can we talk about this in a different way?”  Or perhaps one partner affectionately teases or soothes the other who is in the midst of flooding and the fight is over then and there. Or they might compromise.  The couple may follow a rule, like, Don’t let the sun rise on your wrath. Of course, one key to ending a fight is that a partner realizes they are wrong, apologizes and/or makes it up to their Beloved. 

In general healthy couples fight, but their fighting is less out of control and ends on a sweet note that carries them back to laughter, closeness and intimacy.  Here is how Gina, a therapist herself and former student of mine, describes how she uses Fight Club Rules with her man:

He gets so wounded and growls a lot if he thinks I am criticizing him.  So I usually bring stuff up when we are lying in bed, feeling close, with our feet touching.  It’s funny, but doing it this way means we fight a whole lot less.

Remember, practice doing whatever it takes to come out of your anger and create a dialogue.  In the midst of a disagreement, take a break, breathe, soothe or calm yourself and try on the other person’s point of view.  Ask yourself honestly, do you need to back down or make an apology to your partner?  When you are fighting, which is more important, being right, or being close? And if your partner gets flooded with anger, practice using humor, giving them space or soothing them in some way so that they can calm down.

And don’t forget to take advantage of  FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to improve your relationship, fight fairly, keep the passion going and deepen commitment by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

Despite how important sex is to our well-being, many people are unhappy about their sex lives. A landmark 2008 study by the Journal of the American Medical Association found that 43% of American women and 31% percent of men admitted they had a sexual problem.  And usually these studies under-report the actual percentages because, let’s face it: who wants to admit they can’t get it up or they can’t have an orgasm through intercourse?

Researchers have found that there are four primary ways in which couples can really enhance their sex life: novelty, sexual trance, partner engagement, and role play.  In Part I we looked at how novelty and sexual trance make for oh so much fun. In Part II we’ll look at how partner engagement and role play turn ho-hum sex into fireworks.

But before we dive into this sexy topic, I want you to take advantage of  FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to improve your relationship, fight fairly, keep the passion going and deepen commitment by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Partner Engagement

Partner engagement is interactive sex and sex play.  Your partner is seen as a separate person whose happiness and satisfaction are as important as one’s own.  At the highest level of partner engagement there is rapture, bliss, plus a feeling of oneness with each other.

Þ    In partner engagement you each are dedicated to the fullest sexual expression and fulfillment of the other.  This is the arena where you stretch to accommodate what the other wants to do.  But never go to the point of intolerable pain or trauma.

Þ    Be adventurous and take the initiative at times with pleasing each other.  A spontaneous ambush for a quickie is a great idea.  There’s nothing like “surprise sex” to amp up your pleasure centers.

Role Play

The last type of sexual intimacy comes from role play.  The couple creates a kind of magic theatre where sex is a stage for each partner to share and enact fantasies with each other.  About 95% of people report that they have sexual fantasies so you’re not alone.  Fantasies help each of you to explore all the different aspects of self which frees up energy and loosens you up.  Plus it helps reduce the urge to cheat because you both are already having the novelty of a “different” partner.

Þ    The excitement and newness of role play keeps the dopamine flowing, which keeps the passion going.

Þ    Role plays often emerge from fantasies.  The most common fantasies involve an imaginary romantic lover, being overpowered or forced to surrender, reliving a sexual experience or pretending they are doing something wicked or forbidden.

Þ    Most common roles include, naughty doctor and patient, naughty cop and lawbreaker, master and slave, fantasy forced submission.

Sexual Issues

If you or your partner has sexual issues first use some of the techniques I have described to try breaking through the barriers on your own. If he has erectile dysfunction there are medications available that have been very effective for men. They’re still working on approving meds for arousal problems in women. But other physical problems could be affecting you, like anemia in women or hormone abnormalities. For men, low testosterone levels have become very common and can have very negative consequences on both libido and erections. Medications you are taking can have libido-depressing side-effects.  For example, tranquilizers are notorious for interfering with your sex drive.

Don’t let a physical problem prevent you from having sex so check with your doctor.   If your issues are not simply physical then by all means seek out a sex therapist or a couples’ therapist who specializes in sexual dysfunction. Treat this problem as you would diabetes or any other serious illness. It will be well worth it.

And don’t forget to take advantage of  FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to improve your relationship, fight fairly, keep the passion going and deepen commitment by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

Sounds great right?  Unfortunately, various studies show that many people are unhappy with their sex lives.  For example, the Journal of the American Medical Association found that 43% of American women and 31% percent of men admitted they had a sexual problem.  And usually these studies under-report the actual percentages because, let’s face it: who wants to admit they can’t get it up or they can’t have an orgasm through intercourse?  In my experience, the biggest issues for couples are:  that they don’t turn sex into play enough of the time; they don’t experiment; and they’re afraid to tell each other what they really like in bed.  Yeah, we all know that men love oral.

So in this two-part series we are going show you how to get the most out of sexual play. Researchers have found that there are four primary ways in which couples can really enhance their sex life: novelty, sexual trance, partner engagement, and role play.  In Part I we’ll look at how novelty and sexual trance make for oh so much fun and in Part II we’ll look at how partner engagement and role play turn ho-hum sex into fireworks.

But before we dive into this sexy topic,  I want you to take advantage of  FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to improve your relationship, fight fairly, keep the passion going and deepen commitment by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Now back to how to make sex more fun.

Novelty

Let’s first start with the importance of novelty in sexual play. Novelty is the key that keeps dopamine, the brain chemical associated with exhilaration and ecstasy going.  Dopamine is what’s responsible for a lover’s high and also for infatuation.  So if you want to keep that buzz going do any or all of the following nine novelties:

• Vary the places you make love
• Vary the way you set the stage through candle lighting or a bubble bath
• Use feathers for exquisite arousal
• Use sex toys with each other or in front of each other
• Put whipped cream on each other
• Wear sexy lingerie or outfits
• Vary your foreplay
• Try new positions
• Most importantly, make sure that both of you are fully satisfied.

Sexual Trance

Sexual trance involves an inward focus where each partner focuses on his/her own pleasure and sensations and creates a fulfilling sexual release.   In win-win sex each one of you is pleasured and finds a strong release in orgasm.   Learn by experimenting so that you know what works for each of you.

Þ    In order to learn what works for him, try touching, massaging, licking or stimulating all the different parts of his body.  Observe and ask him questions about what feels good.  Try different sexual acts, variations in intercourse positions and most importantly, oral sex.  Virtually all men adore oral sex.  If you have a problem with this, consider the fact that if your man showers, chances are his mouth has more germs than his penis does!

Þ    Ultimately you are responsible for knowing your body and creating the conditions for your own sexual pleasure. You can work on sexual trance by using what the legendary sex researchers Masters and Johnson described as sensate focus. This simple but effective technique requires only that you be in an undisturbed place where you playfully touch parts of your body and learn about what sensations feel good to you.

The more you know about each other’s body the better you and your lover will be able to please each other.   Guide each other by saying positive things like, “I love it when you stroke my breast gently.”  “I would love you to use your magic mouth on my stomach and slowly work your way down.” Or , “I love it when you tease my backside.”

Even if you have problems now, both of you can recover and find new heights of pleasure.  Be sure to stay tuned for Part II of this series.

And don’t forget that you can get  FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to improve your relationship, fight fairly, keep the passion going and deepen commitment by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

[i] See a review of the literature in M. Kosfeld, M. Heinrichs, P.J. Zak, E. Fehr, 2005.  Oxytocin increases trust in humans. Nature, 435, 673-676.

Maybe you are in a long term on-again, off-again relationship where one or the other of you periodically withdraws or sees other people.  Have you ever been involved and in love with someone for months, or even years, only to find that they simply cannot or will not take that next step into living together or marriage?

The average time for a couple to move from dating to a committed relationship with a future that includes living together or getting married is from nine months to four years. All this varies considerably from couple to couple.  But usually, if things drag on in an uncommitted state much beyond a couple of years, the relationship will tend to go downhill. And eventually die.  So it is time to use the single most important thing you can do – whether you are single or in a relationship – to win the committed lasting love of the One you really want.  Here it is:

Create a Love Intention that is an affirmation about having love that is just right for you.

Write your goal down as an affirmation about you or you and your partner in the present tense, as if it is happening right now.  So for example, “I have lasting, passionate fulfilling love in my life.” You might say, “I deserve a full commitment from my beloved.” Or you could write, “Brad and I commit to moving in together.” Post your Love Intention where you and you alone can see it every day.  Make sure to read your note several times a day.  Give the affirmation your full attention for just a few seconds.

Please note: you do not have to believe an affirmation in order for it to “work” and come true.  Simply say it and let yourself have a bit of an imaginary fantasy as if it were true.  The latest research shows that this process can literally retrain and rewire the neural connections in your brain! And with that retraining, come new thoughts, positive thoughts that create even more connections in the brain and so on. As you practice your Love Intention affirmation over time, your brain will create more and more connections that help reinforce your belief and love intention.

Reading or thinking the affirmation will help keep your attention focused on what you want to create instead of having thoughts about past or current disappointments or worries about the future.  Negative thoughts lead to fear, worry and more uncertainties. In fact when negative thoughts do occur, my relationship advice is to train yourself to repeat your affirmation in your mind.  Do not fight doubts, fears, negative thoughts or feelings—just let them come but then simply and gently repeat your Love Intention affirmation.

Commitment ultimately stems from making a decision about what you are creating in your life and putting your attention on that decision, over and over again, and then acting on it, even in the face of disappointments.  You decide, commit and take action towards your own love-filled happy future. When you do this repeatedly no matter what, you will succeed in having all the magical alchemy of committed love for yourself and with your Beloved.  Learn How to Get Married at my exclusive Learning Annex class in NYC which I am giving to celebrate the paperback release of my bestseller, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love, with a whole new chapter on Dating Games Men Play.

Wishing You Love,

xo

Diana

Dr. Diana Kirschner

“All happy families resemble one another. Each unhappy family is unique in its grief.”
~Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

Personal excellence in your love relationship is not achieved by reading couples selfhelp books or dumping the problem partner you’re with and going on to the next grass-is-greener pasture to find the One. It can only be achieved the hard way, through daily, weekly and monthly practice of four key strategies that keep love alive and thriving.

How do I know this? I’ve been married to the same man for over 25 years. Happily married. We’ve weathered one of our families disowning us and refusing to even meet our baby girl because one of us is Jewish while the other is Italian; the devastating death of a child; a life-threatening illness; stormy fights; and the deadly boring stretches when we seemed to have nothing in common.

But today we’re stronger, more in love and sexier than ever together.

These days marriages are dying out faster and faster. The average marriage is now under seven years. Yet research shows that married people are healthier, wealthier and happier. In fact, marital happiness contributes far more to personal happiness than any other factor, including work and friendship satisfaction. Bottom line: if you want personal excellence in your life it is critical to create, nurture and sustain a committed loving relationship.

Like a crusader, I’ve dedicated the last 20+ years of my life to finding the holy grail of love. Armed with an M.A. and a Ph.D. in psychology, I realized success leaves secrets. This is why I went on my own personal journey of demystifying the elusive mystery of finding real and ever-lasting love. While on this journey I studied happy couples (hard to find, but I did) and apprenticed with mentors, other psychologists and self-help gurus so I could find the secret dynamics that make love work. And in the end I was able to distill out four key practices that are crucial in keeping love alive.

These are the practices I’ve used in my own lab, my marriage, that have allowed my husband, Sam, and I to weather the family upsets, disappointments, setbacks, losses and other slings and arrows that most couples face. I’ve also used these powerful practices to help thousands of other couples create love that lasts.

The four keys to happily-ever-after are: 1) Spending Time Alone as A Couple; 2) Holding Listening Sessions; 3) Planning for Sex; and, 4) Resolving Conflict.

1) Spending Time Alone As A Couple
Research shows that couples who report the highest level of satisfactions spend the most amount of time alone together. This means no kids, no friends, no family, no attention-grabbing pets: just the two of you.

Sam and I were juggling private practices and running a therapy center in the early years of our marriage. Needless to say, at the end of the day we were ready to fall into bed and it sure wasn’t for sex! Weekends were spent zooming around on errands and the kids’ play dates and activities. But we knew the dangers of continuing on this path.

What Saved Us
We permanently set aside Alone Time twice a week for us, once during the day and once at night. We hired a permanent babysitter and back-up for those times. And for an unbroken string of years, we have kept that time sacred, no matter what. It’s been the bedrock that holds us together as best friends.

2) Holding Listening Sessions
Research shows that effective communication is a common trait of healthy couples. And at the heart of effective communication is the ability to listen to your partner without judgment. When Sam and I met we were psych grad students, rivals for the same stipends and awards. We were young know-it-alls for whom listening was a foreign ritual. This meant we were drifting farther and farther apart.

What Saved Us
We scheduled FORMAL Ten Minute Listening Sessions with each other every other day. In these sessions, one person gets to talk, free associate, say whatever is on their minds while the other SIMPLY LISTENS with full attention. The listener does not speak. No matter what, we used a clock and honored a full ten minute session.

Anything that was said in that time was sacred and could not be brought up during an argument!

Sam and I still use these sessions to get to know each other all over again.

Mind reading doesn’t work. You never really know your partner’s world until you listen.

3) Planning for Sex
Sex releases oxytocin, which is the cuddle or bonding hormone. This is the powerful hormone that triggers the nurturing instinct toward newborns. Sex also creates a shared endorphin release—so that the partners associate feeling good with each other. On the other hand, infidelity is the biggest love buster. So having regular sex is a good thing.

After we had kids, Sam and I made the same ridiculous choices that other young couples make, such as going to the Home Depot, Wal-Mart or Toys R Us instead of making love. We rushed around until we had finally checked off our entire to-do list, except for the last item. The most important activity of all. Then we wondered why we didn’t feel connected with each other.

What Saved Us
We set aside time when sex was moved all the way up on the to-do list, to number one. We made one of our weekly dates into a Regular Sexy Encounter where we played with toys, lingerie and videos, all in the context of having an affair–with each other. To get going on this path I would ask myself, “Would you be wearing this ratty bathrobe if you were meeting your new lover? What would you be doing or saying?” And Sam would do the same. If one of us wasn’t in the mood, he or she would start to fool around anyway. And sure enough, the mood turned around and heated up.

Couples expect spontaneous great sex to happen like in the movies. But after a couple has been together awhile great sex takes planning. Then the spontaneity happens. It’s like going to an amusement park. You need to buy the tickets, do a mapquest and clear your schedules; then you ride the roller coaster.

4) Conflict Resolution
The latest marital research shows that happy couples relate to each other with a golden five-to-one rule. That is, they have five positive, loving exchanges for every critical or negative one. On the other hand, marriages with high degrees of conflict, with lots of contempt, criticism, defensiveness and the silent treatment are unhappy and very likely to fail.

I noticed that just like the other couples I was counseling Sam and I followed the five-to- one rule all right. But mostly in reverse. In fact, we got so mean to each other that we were riding what love researcher, Dr. John Gottman, calls a horseman of the Apocalypse. In other words, we were doomed.

What Saved Us
We realized that everyone screws up and says stupid things, especially to their partners. People get tired and snappy, irritable and defensive. They can be downright insulting. Everybody can.

But we wanted to stop our negative moments from exploding into World War III. We both knew that the World War III scenario was killing off our marriage. So we used a signal with each other to transform an incendiary exchange that was heading into battle into one that drew us together.

We realized that reality is, in a sense, like a ‘movie’ we are making all the time. If you want to make a great romance, you need to practice ‘rewinding the tape’ when you don’t like ‘the take.’ We agreed that either of us could call out “Take Two” whenever he/she was hurt or offended by an interaction. Then we would start the interaction all over again and construct it in a more loving win-win way—as a happy improv. If Sam had trouble saying the words I needed to hear on a Take Two, I would teach him and vice versa. This technique has saved us many many times!

The last time Sam and I were on a plane together we started snapping at each other and then we did a Take Two. I wound up sitting on his lap telling him a joke. The stewardess asked us how long we had been going out together! She was shocked when we answered, “Over 25 years!”

So there you have it: four magic practices that deliver excellence in your love relationship. If we can do it, so can you.

P.S. You can use these practices even if your partner won’t cooperate. On your own you can find a few minutes of couple time when you can be a good listener; act like you’re having an affair with your partner; or change your mean-spirited words into loving ones. If you do this consistently, 99% of the time your partner will join in and your love will thrive.

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

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