By Dr. Diana Kirschner

Of course, some relationships are destructive, smothering or empty and they have to go.  But these days breaking up and divorce have become so socially acceptable, that many couples who could work things out wind up dissolving their unions.  And often there is a big price to pay for this. As a couples therapist and love expert, I’ve seen too many people regret ending their relationships.  Usually the breakup itself is quite painful.  They suffer with financial setbacks, emotional breakdowns and if they have kids, children’s adjustment problems.  Often they wind up alone and unhappy for years.  And if they are not self-reflective and transform themselves as opposed to blaming their partners, they usually end up making the same mistakes again and again with different partners. If you have any doubts about this, check out the divorce rates for second and third marriages.

But before you take the quiz,  I want you to take advantage of my FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to rekindle a love relationship, deal with breakups,  heal heartbreak and  Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys  by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Just Click Here to get started now.

Now back to our Break Up Quiz.  Before you leap back into being single contemplate these 20 questions. Be as honest as you can be and preferably ask your best friend, advisor, sponsor, or therapist to help you answer them honestly.

1. Have you searched within to see if you have given your all to this relationship?
2. Did you set aside time to be alone as a couple to continue your bond and friendship?
3. Were you clear and upfront in explaining what you wanted and needed from your  partner?
4. Did you make a serious attempt to provide what your partner wanted and needed?
5. Have you noticed and appreciated the helpful or caring things he/she has done?
6. Have you tried out the viewpoint that everything your partner complains about is legitimate and something you need to be working on?
7. Have you tried treating him/her lovingly, the way you would like to be treated?
8. Have you checked to see if your partner is growing as a person?
9. Is your partner becoming someone who could have a more loving relationship with you?
10. Have you worked on forgiving and being forgiven in the relationship?
11. If you or your partner had an affair is it this event that is the primary reason for the breakup? Even affairs can be forgiven, if there is true remorse.  Many times with the proper counseling the whole relationship can be turned around and get better after an affair.
12. Did you express more gratitude or criticism in the relationship?
13. Did you tell your partner directly that the problems in the relationship were so severe that you wanted out?
14. If there are sexual problems, did you try your best to work on them?
15. Did you try to create chemistry and attraction?
16. Did you set aside time for sex?
17. Did you spend time teaching each other how to give sensual and sexual pleasure?
18. Did you spend quality time really listening and paying close attention to your partner?
19. Have you made personal changes as per your partner’s suggestions that would be in your best interest?
20. Have you seen a couples therapist or counselor and given it your best shot?

If you cannot answer “yes” to most of these questions, reconsider ending the relationship.  Go into couples therapy and work on the issues/behaviors in the questions you said “no” too.  You may be able to save yourself (and your kids) from huge financial and emotional heartache.

As the poet, Rainer Maria Rilke said, Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart. And try to love the questions themselves.

To locate a competent couples therapist, make an appointment for one consultation visit with two or three professionals to find a good fit for your relationship.  You can get referrals from the American Psychological Association or the American Association for Marriage & Family Therapy.  Also, if you have any friends who have had success with a couples therapist, definitely have a consultation visit with that counselor as well.

And don’t forget to sign up for FREE ongoing support:  You can learn EXACTLY how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Just Click Here to get started now.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

. . . or Is He? – 16 Key Questions to Ask

Psychologist Dr. Diana Kirschner Helps Single Women Discover the Truth

He’s Just Not That Into You, the bestseller-turned-movie starring Jennifer Aniston, debunks the obsessive thoughts single women have about hotties who sweep into and out of their lives. The authors go into excruciating detail about the excuses and stories we make up to justify our fantasies about unavailable men.  We waste hours and hours thinking and dishing about how, “He’s on a deadline at work.” “He’s out of the country,” or, my personal favorite, “He’s really in the process of leaving his wife.” The authors point out that none of the stories are the reason he doesn’t call, text, or email. The real reason is: he’s just not that into you.

The point is that a whole lot of time is spent on defensiveness, self-protection and daydreaming. And then, after all that wasted time fantasizing and making excuses, surprise, surprise–the dude finally manages to wriggle free and disappear from our lives.  Only then does the truth hit us, and often with a wave of heartbreak and pain.  Bottom line: love is no simple walk in the park.  Often it is hard to trust our instincts and judgment.

How do you know when to fish or cut bait?  Just how do you really tell if he is just not into you?  Or as I put it: How do you know how to stop wasting time on a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude)?

To help you answer these questions, take this simple quiz adapted from my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.  Give your boyfriend one point for each of these 16 characteristics:

1. Eager to see you
2. Reluctant to leave you
3. Wants regular consistent contact, asks for dates
4. Interested in you and your life
5. Wants to be helpful
6. Is verbally and physically affectionate
7. Wants to be romantic and sexual with you
8. Texts, emails or calls regularly
9. Acts like you are very special; doesn’t really want to date others
10. If you are dating other men–willing to hang in there
11. Becoming more attentive and loving over time
12. Becoming more open to sharing his feelings and thoughts
13. Becoming more open to sharing his living space
14. Becoming more open to sharing his social life with friends and family members.
15. Saying he loves you
16. Saying he wants a future with you

Please be really honest with yourself as you rate your guy. When in doubt, ask your closest friends to help you. If your man has a score of 4 or less, it probably indicates that he is just not that into you.  If he gets 5-10 points the dude may have possibilities.  Eleven (11) or more means he just may be the One.  Look for more of these qualities over time to make a clearer assessment.

If your guy has a low score, you do not need to cut him off right away. A simple way to protect yourself from the “he’s just not into you” deadly dating pattern is to also date two other guys by going on what I call the Dating Program of Three.  On this program, you do not have sex with any of the men (kissing and canoodling is OK!) in order to avoid the out-of-control infatuation that comes with getting too physically and emotionally involved too soon.  You let your main guy and the others know on the second date that you are dating others and “taking things slow.”  A guy who really is into you will stay the course and win you.
Bottom line: if you want to find the One, look for a man who provides regular and consistent contact that gets better over time. You should find yourself continually surprised at how he fills your needs to be chosen, appreciated, romanced and celebrated for who you are. Envision this kind of love and choose guys who are that into you. The Love in 90 Days book has the tools to help you make it all happen.

And you deserve it!