Dating & Mating Advice: It’s Better to Wait to Have Sex
A mathematician and economist used game theory in a research that shows that a longer courtship before having sex allows the male to show that he is “good” from the female’s vantage point (“goodness” defined as his willingness to care for young after mating). The study, by Seymour and Sozou, is titled “Duration of courtship effort as a costly signal” and can be found at:
http://else.econ.ucl.ac.uk/papers/uploaded/321.pdf
This study is amusing in that the researchers actually use value-laden terms of “good” and “bad”. In my view there is nothing “wrong” with having sex. But jumping into an intimate relationship before you know someone is not usually a great choice for either a man or a woman–if they have a goal of creating a lasting love relationship.
Having sex drives up levels of the hormone, oxytocin, which in turn can create a strong biological attachment. Oxytocin has been called the cuddle, bonding, or tend-and-befriend hormone. Throughout the whole sexual act you will experience increases in this hormone. This means that your body may start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed, whether or not you know: a) if you like them; b) if they are the kind of partner you want; or, c) whether they want to be in a relationship with you.
In addition, rushing into an intimate relationship can cause the release of dopamine, which is the infatuation biochemical. This means your body may organize you to feel like you are wildly in love, even if this person is not someone who will be the kind of partner you truly want.
A conscious and deliberate decision to hold off on sex until you get to know someone is not in the least manipulative–for either a man or a woman who is interested in lasting love. It is not some secret agenda that must be kept hidden. It has to do with being clear about one’s relationship goals and finding someone who is truly compatible and shares a similar vision.
It is a form of self-love.
And it is totally in line with the Dating Program I describe in my dating advice book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. My students (of all ages) who are having great success in finding lasting and committed relationships are casually dating a few guys and not having sex with any of them at the outset (a little kissing and canoodling is OK). This is the best relationship advice I have– it works out great!!!
Lots of love,
xo
Diana
PS: Love in 90 Days is coming out in paperback Feb 8 with a whole new chapter on Dating Games Men Play: 16 Guys’ Deadly Dating Patterns!!!!! So exciting!!!
Dr. Diana Kirschner
Tags: dating advice, dating blog, Diana Kirschner, dr diana kirschner, finding true love, love in 90 days, relationship advice, waiting to have sex
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