The census data tells us that only 1% of all marriages in 2008 were cougar marriages, that is, between a woman who was 10-14 years older than her husband—while only 2.6%  of the brides were 6 to 9 years older.  But even though these weddings are rare, the concept of the “the cougar,” an older woman who dates or marries a younger guy, is creating new possibilities in dating. In this Demi-Ashton era, many 40+ women have happily broadened their matches to include younger men.

But according to a survey of 100 self-proclaimed cougars the rules have changed.  The old stereotype of the man-eater woman, a la Stifler’s mom from ‘American Pie,’ no longer applies.  These days it is not about a sugar mama having a no-strings-attached fling. It’s about finding a new form of true love.

More than 90% of these modern cougars say they want a long-term relationship with a younger man. They expect the guy to pay his way—to cover dinner or split the check.  These women want  the full experience of dating someone who is romantic, chivalrous and, best of all,  relatively free of the emotional baggage of past relationships.  52% of the cougars in the study were in their 40s and their ideal guy is aged 24-27.  45% were ‘lifestyle cougars’ who have dated more than five younger men.

Over-40 women don’t mind being called “cougars” but they are redefining the definition of cougar dating.  They know what they want in relationships and are opening doors to new possibilities for themselves.  For more on the cougar survey, go to http://www.cougared.com/report

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter

Let’s face it: Dating is daunting. And when you’re over 40, it may seem next to impossible. You might be coming out of a long-term marriage, or emerging from a period of time where you were consumed with raising children or caring for elderly parents — or, perhaps you still are responsible for children and/parents. Have your “dating muscles” atrophied? You might feel like you don’t have the slightest idea how to go about flirting, meeting the opposite sex, much less handling issues of sexually transmitted diseases. You might feel like your body is old or unattractive. Disrobing in front of a romantic partner? Definitely not.

Plus, today’s dating world doesn’t remotely resemble the one you knew. How proactive are women supposed to be? Is the third-date rule (for having sex) still in effect? Just how do you handle an HIV discussion? Is online dating reliable, safe, or even effective? And all these questions and difficulties are magnified for female Boomers, who outnumber their male counterparts and also have to compete with younger women.

Yet many over 50s women, have gone out there and had the fun and excitement of their teenage years all over again (and with the wisdom of the years, it’s even better!). A 54 year-old artist recently e-mailed me about her new Boomer boyfriend: Joe adores me. He tells me I am a treasure, a rare beauty. I make him feel alive after so many years of being dead. Joe loves my voice, my thoughts, my work. He bought riding boots and we went riding together. His 95-year-old mom in Miami wants to see my photo.

Once you take the dating plunge, you may be very pleasantly surprised at the possibilities, especially in online dating. This goes for female Boomers too. They often report that once they start, they feel more confident, more clear about what they want and therefore, more attractive! Female Boomers are more empowered and more affluent than ever before. The good news is that often, younger women cannot compete with them for a male Boomer’s attention. The thirty-somethings are too active and demanding in terms of nightlife and other activities, whereas a Boomer man may prefer the seasoned wise companionship of a woman who has been there and done that. In other words, both male and female Boomers are in a position to pick and choose who they want to date.

Here’s what Shirley, a 50-year-old divorcee is experiencing:

I just met another amazing guy. This one actually was suggested by Match. I winked. He e-mailed. I e-mailed back. He called me and we had a fabulous conversation. He was so easy to talk to. He seemed honest and sincere. I asked some pretty blunt questions that he happily answered in good detail. And he’s tall! He created a business and sold it in 2006 because he had plenty of money and wanted to do something else. On the other hand, Bill, the writer, is coming out this afternoon. We are going to the beach. Bill says that he has written a poem for me…

So before we get to the six dating tips for over 40s I want you to take advantage of my ongoing support by signing up for my FREE weekly Relationship Advice and Dating Tips Newsletter. You’ll be glad you did.

The formula for successful Boomer dating

Here are six love advice tips to help you succeed at dating.

• Tip: Take care of you.
  For the outer (and inner) you, start a regular exercise program. It is definitely the fountain of youth. Give yourself a makeover so that you look great in your own eyes. Get that trendy haircut, go shopping, try out those clothes that your friend wears that give him or her a sexy, attractive or powerful look.

• Tip: Don’t be shy to advertise.
  Then put out the word in your network that you are ready to date. Seventy-two percent of relationships come from a person’s network of friends, co-workers, and family. At first, don’t be picky — simply tell folks you are looking for a wonderful person.

• Tip: Go where the singles go.
  Go where the opposite sex (or same sex, if you prefer) is. If you like what you see, smile, make eye contact, give a sincere compliment or ask for some help. Sign up for on-going classes/activities that interest you and that have potential dates in them. For example, courses on finance, investing, sports and leadership; snowboarding/skiing; hiking; and cigar tasting usually have a lot of men in them. If you’re a Boomer male, women are attracted to growth, craft, cooking, or spiritual courses. If you’re not sure, ask the enroller about the ratio of men to women. There are many other fun activities, classes, and clubs so Google any class/topic plus “your city” and “classes.”

• Tip: Definitely do not miss out on online dating.
  Using the Internet is essential because it gives you a sense of the wide variety of singles that are out there right now. Thirty million singles are dating online in the U.S. according to the latest independent research. You can partake of this smorgasbord of possibilities right there at your computer. Spend the time and work two sites. In addition to subscribing to a large site like Match, eHarmony or PlentyofFish, subscribe to a more specialized site like christianmingle or Jdate.

• And for the best online tips for Boomer women be sure to check out my two part blog on Online dating secrets for over 40s.

• Tip: Put some time into it.
  Most people spend more time planning a vacation than they do planning their dating lives. And they get great vacations and little-to-no love life! So if you want to date, get out your calendar and set aside 8 to 10 hours per week to spend on going to courses, working your online dating program and actually going out on dates.

• Tips for successful online dating
  Women, make sure you use a great headshot photo — men are very visual. Either get one done professionally that looks casual, or have a photographer friend take 100 shots to get just the right one. Digital cameras make it easy to take many photos, so you can choose the one that’s perfect.

So now you have the basic tools for successful Boomer dating. Face down your fears and insecurities and get in the game.and don’t forget to subscribe to my weekly FREE dating tips & relationship advice newsletter. Click here to get it.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter

Hooking up, that is, no-strings-attached sex, can be hot, mind-blowingly hot.  And it has become the norm for many colleges students, 20-somethings and even many 30-somethings.  But there are high costs for this brief steamy pleasure.   Impulsive in-the-moment sex is often fueled by alcohol or drugs, which makes it hard to remember that it is risky sex.  Risks escalate if there is no condom, or if it sits in the back pocket instead of being put on.  Chances are your partner is having sex with lots of others, no matter what he or she says.  So the condom needs to be where it is supposed to be–protecting you from AIDS and other STDs.  Not to mention saving you from having to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. 

There are tons more reasons why old-fashioned dating rocks and hooking up may not serve you in the long term.  Casual no-strings-attached sex can be an emotional boomerang that sets you up for heartbreak and disappointment both emotionally physically.   Hooking up often leads a moth-to-a-flame burn-out: you get a giant surge of dopamine, the falling-in-love jet fuel that makes you crazy about your partner, plus oxytocin which bonds you to him or her.  But often this hotwired attachment does not go both ways.  Your partner, may simply blow you off.  Then you wind up discarded and heartbroken.  This is the Flame Out Deadly Dating pattern that ruins your chances for a love relationship.  It is the most common dead-end love pattern that I describe in my book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding True Love.  

Meanwhile, this month’s Cosmo (with Kate Hudson on the cover) has a must-read article called “The Truth About Hooking Up,” by Laura Gilbert that you need to get.  Laura cites all the latest research that shows how hooking up can be a big problem for women (plus she interviews me, ahem, one of my favorite authors…)  Seriously, I really want you to check out this article for some important surprises–like who is more likely to get certain kinds of sexual pleasure out of a hook up.

Here’s to more Love,

Dr. Diana

Fall Back to Love: The Autumn Dating Advantage

It’s easier to fall in love in the fall! Singles roll up their sleeves and work more proactively on their dating, so there’s more love to go around. There are three reasons for this. First, singles, like all of us, raised in the rhythm of a school calendar, are conditioned to buy new wardrobes and give themselves a mini-makeover in the fall—so they feel more attractive and ready to go for it.

Secondly, for around the first 20 years of our lives, including preschool and college, we are encouraged by our families to socialize in autumn as we enter a new grade with new peers. This form of conditioning tends to shape our behavior even when formal schooling ends.

Thirdly, the fall is a signal that the holidays are coming up and nothing can be more depressing than facing another round of holidays alone. This realization mobilizes singles to date more. Two studies have shown that dating in the fall can lead to increased romantic involvements later in the year.

Fall also provides an influx of new students for graduate school and college dating. Being in a new dorm or school often creates loneliness and social anxiety and increases the need to form a love attachment in order to feel secure. Students going back to school, and especially those leaving home for college, are ripe to commit the single biggest mistake singles make: hooking up and coupling too soon.

So, no matter what your age, Fall is a great time to network. The secret to falling back to real love is to take advantage of all the new connections by networking and meeting as many people as possible. Dr. Diana’s Dating Program of Three is a powerful strategy that has you date three people casually with no sex and is your ticket to a real relationship. Meet as many people as possible: use the Autumn dating advantage!

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

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