Summer’s fading away can lead to a dip in your mood.  When it turns cloudy and the air is cooler it may be a bit of a let down when you realize that winter and the holidays are just ahead.   But there is also good news when the weather turns. And I don’t just mean the amazing foliage, crunchy apples and fresh pumpkin pie.  In my experience, it’s easier to find love in the Fall!  There are three reasons for this. First, singles, like all of us, raised in the rhythm of a school calendar, are conditioned to buy new wardrobes and give themselves a mini-makeover in the fall—so they feel more attractive and ready to go for it.  Second, for around the first 20 years of our lives, including preschool and college, we are encouraged by our families to socialize in autumn as we enter a new grade with new peers. This form of conditioning tends to shape our behavior even when formal schooling ends.

Finally, the fall is a signal that the holidays are coming up and nothing can be more depressing than facing another round of holidays alone. This realization mobilizes singles to roll up their sleeves and work more proactively on their dating, so there’s more love to go around. In fact, two studies have shown that dating in the fall can lead to increased romantic involvements later in the year.

Fall also provides an influx of new students for graduate school and college dating. Being in a new dorm or school often creates loneliness and social anxiety and increases the need to form a love attachment in order to feel secure. But for you students going back to school, and especially those leaving home for college, don’t commit the single biggest mistake singles make: hooking up and coupling too soon. Play the field and don’t get boxed into a committed relationship before you have a chance to learn more about yourself.

So, no matter what your age, Fall is a great time to network. The secret to falling back to real love is to take advantage of all the new connections by networking and meeting as many people as possible. My Dating Program of Three is a powerful strategy that has you date three people casually with no sex and is your ticket to a real relationship. Meet as many people as possible: use the Autumn dating advantage!

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my best-selling dating advice book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Dating Advice for Women

Here are some excerpts from a live call-in radio show that I did on how to get the dating advice and relationship tips you need to create your own happiest-ever-after.  The truth is, no one does it all alone.  We all need support and help.  What has worked for me and thousands of other single women is to have a truly devoted, loving and knowledgeable coach.  A person who is wise in the ways of love,  who has your back, knows your dead-end dating patterns, in sum,  a  Love Mentor® who can help you get where you want to go.   Here are the questions and answers about this powerful process. xo Dr. Diana

Dating Advice: How to have Your Own Happiest Ever After

Q. What is a Love Mentor®?

A. A coach who provides one-on-one mentoring sessions by phone or Skype to help you find terrific partners, including the One, overcome relationship problems and ultimately create the lasting and committed relationship you want.  I have gifted Love Mentors™ who have strong  backgrounds in transformational work and have successfully used my program to overcome dead-end dating patterns and become/ stay happily married. Right now we are able to offer you a free 40 minute intro session by phone or Skype with a gifted Love Mentor® so you can experience really powerful dating advice. You can register by clicking here.

Q. Why is a Love Mentor® the single most important thing you can do for yourself?

A. Sometimes we need someone in our lives to help save us from ourselves, especially since we’re more likely to repeat than we are to change. Studies show that adults who are mentored are more successful in their careers—and love is no different. They also show that without a mentor, our chances at succeeding plummet to only 10% of the success rate of those that do use a coach. Love Mentors® will give you expert dating advice and help you develop self-love and positive self-talk, and help you flirt, develop confidence and find great partners so you can go from wondering if you will ever meet Mr. Right to the security of a fulfilling, lasting relationship.

Q. What about the end of a relationship? How can a Love Mentor® help me get my ex back?

A. Having a mentor can make all the difference! A professional Love Mentor™ provides support at such a difficult time, and can often help you get your ex back at a new level of commitment. although there are no guarantees, we have a specialized approach for this that has worked out beautifully so many times!  There are many couples who have been reunited in a deeper and closer way–who have healed even after an affair.

Q. Have you ever used a Love Mentor®?

A. Sure; Dr. Arthur Stein, a psychologist who originated many of the Love in 90 Days principles. When my husband, Sam, and I first married, it was compete at first sight! Arguing was both our middle names. I would have left Sam if not for my Love Mentor. But over 25 years, Sam and I weathered a family rift; the devastating death of a baby; a major illness; and all the times we seemed to go in different directions. I can vouch for the life-changing difference Love Mentoring makes in creating great love relationships.

Q. What happens during a Love Mentoring™ session?

A. Love Mentors® will help you uncover your Tough or Tender Loving Care needs in areas such as nurturing, envisioning and limit-setting. Together, you’ll explore your relationship goals and trouble spots, dating history, problems with your partner and self-sabotaging patterns.  You can work on getting your ex back if that is your goal. Your Mentor will personalize strategies, exercises, affirmations and dating advice techniques to help you envision and create the love life you want.

Q. What kind of results can I expect? Do you have real-life examples?

A.  We have numerous testimonials about women having great success in dating, meeting  wonderful partners and then “sealing the deal.”   For example, my love mentoring student, Midge Woolsey, who was the  on-air PBS Pledge Show host for my PBS Special, Finding Your Own True Love,  was a women in her fifties who got married for the first time to an amazing guy.  Our mentoring journey  is beautifully described in this NY Times article  http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/08/fashion/weddings/08woolsey.html?_r=1    In another case, “Sally” completed a journaling exercise during one session with her Love Mentor, which helped shift her body image beliefs.  After she wrote down a new affirmation and recited it daily, she had such a passionate encounter with her boyfriend that he started talking kids.

Q. Can a Love Mentor® help me have “the Talk” with my boyfriend?

A. Yes. A trained Love Mentor® will teach you techniques to help you avoid projecting your fears onto your boyfriend, feel more self-confident and be clear about your goals. Your Mentor can also help you understand the science behind his commitment fears, teach you the best time of day to approach him and help you shape “the Talk” so that it unfolds without drama and is successful.

Q. I’m thinking about asking him to move in. How can a Love Mentor® help me decide?

A. While research shows that cohabiting unmarried couples face a 50% divorce rate, there are certain “shacking up” scenarios that can be successful. A Love Mentor will guide you through the decision by first helping you establish whether the preconditions for successful cohabitation exist. They will also help you banish killer beliefs that could sabotage your goals; create a Love Intention to guide and empower your decision-making; help you gauge your partner’s commitment level; and even help you have “the Talk.”

Q. I’m considering marriage. Why should I get a Love Mentor® now?

A. Congratulations! But first, a bit of bad news: research shows that troubled or unsatisfactory marriages can contribute significantly to a woman’s health and psychological problems. Ready for the good news? NEW research shows strong, happy marriages can reduce depression and improve longevity, mental and physical health, financial security and overall happiness. The key lies in properly evaluating your relationship goals and the health of your relationship before you take the plunge. A Love Mentor™ can help you weigh the research, assess your needs, understand how marriage affects men, explore alternatives and cultivate your Diamond Self so you can make an informed decision and create the results you want.

Q. How do I find a trained Love Mentor®?

A. To get a FREE Introductory 40-minute personal phone or Skype mentoring session with an expert Love Mentor®, just click here!

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Dating Advice for Women

‘Rachel,’ one of the awesome women in our Love Mentoring® program is rockin’ it on her journey to creating an extraordinary love relationship.  How?  She took on one of the most powerful and yet most challenging exercises in the dating advice book, Love in 90 Days, the “Loveless Eulogy”.  In this writing exercise you fast forward to a vision of the life that your deadly dating patterns, fear and self sabotage have laid out for you—a loveless life.  And you write your own eulogy.  

So you can then decide if this is the reality you want to live into.

I wanted to share Rachel’s journaling with you (with her permission, of course!) in this dating advice for women series. 

Writing Exercise #1: Rachel died today and it is with sadness that I say… that she was happiest when she was coupled happily and I believe that to be true, for she was unbearably romantic. The problem came when she began to develop intimacy with another; she found reasons why the relationship, deep down, would not last. Sometimes she told herself that it was her partner who did not quite measure up to her expectations, or was flawed in certain ways. Other times it was when her partner unknowingly and unintentionally did something to hurt her. She would allow that pain to penetrate to her deepest pain center and there it would sit and fester—the old wound opened anew that she never allowed to heal

As much as she outwardly proclaimed her love optimism, inwardly, she was the consummate pessimist, she would bristle when confronted with this possibility, and intellectually would qualify her pessimism being more akin to realism or at the very least, wise skepticism.  This conflict of head and heart was terribly confusing to her friends, her partners, and mostly to herself. Yet, it was simply too difficult for her to change. Her indelible conclusion was that if she truly gave her heart, it ultimately would not be wanted by the one she offered it to. And so, instead of having faith in love and holding hope in the face of set-backs and disappointments, she allowed those set-backs and disappointments to erect an impenetrable wall around her heart. She became lost in the grief of rejection that she assumed would happen,

The truest of tragedies about all of this is that Rachel had an infinite capacity for love. Indeed, if you asked her what she believed her soul’s purpose was, it was for love. Her heart was filled with potential and it soared with the feelings from another and for another. She lived too much in her head, though, over thinking, and unfortunately, talking her heart into destroying love. If only she had listened to her heart, followed her heart, and quieted her frightened, doubtful mind, she could have taken the leap. She could have found the faith that was barely beyond her grasp.

She wanted love, oh how she wanted to love and to be loved!

Wow, Rachel did an awesome job on this exercise—and spoke about issues of the heart we have all experienced at one time or another.  She worked very closely with her Love Mentor® and then she tackled the next exercise from Love in 90 Days, called the Right Time to Believe in Love.

Writing Exercise #2

Why now is a good time to love and why I am ready for the first time in my life    to love with complete trust, faith, and belief in myself, my partner, and my relationship

 This exercise is every bit as humbling as the previous one, for if you ask me to be absolutely honest. I will say that I believe I am ready for a relationship, yet is anyone ever completely ready? Are not the dynamics unpredictable when two hearts, minds, and spirits interact teach and learn from each other? You simply don’t know until you dive in and try. That’s my lesson from our Love Mentoring® work so far: to strip away the shroud of fears and jump with joyful faith into the risk. Once there, I believe I am far better prepared to flow with the give and take of relating.

I can say that I am more emotionally equipped to be a solid partner as I deal with my core fears and killer belief of “the chase me problem,” I can say that I am encouraged, feeling stronger by the day, more in tune and more fond of myself as I grow. I can say that my Love Mentoring “boot camp” of self love, emotional strength building, and physical fitness is being noticed by me and others. I can say that the issues raised by my partner were key and have haunted me long enough so that each day I pour my passion and exert my will into resolving them permanently. I am pleased by my progress. So in this regard, yes I am ready.

Given that my sight is crystal clear and my motivation akin to critical mass, I have set the following goals for myself. I read them and take them in a few times each day. They speak to my readiness for love. They are written in the present tense to underscore my achieving them.

• I trust love in my life.
• I release the belief that I will be abandoned when I love.
• I am at peace with my birth mother abandoning me. She recognized her mistake.
• The strong adult I am is nurturing, embracing, and adoring my inner child.
• The wall around my heart is gone.
• I love my partner and everything is alright.
• I permanently release the fear of love rejection.
• I permanently release the belief that I am being rejected.  My confidence is strong!
• My heart is open, bold, and free –I welcome love!

__________________________________________________________________________

Thank you Rachel, for your inspiring work!  If you would like to work one-on-one with a Love Mentor® like Rachel did, contact me ASAP for a session by phone or Skype at http://www.lovein90days.com/coaching/ .  You can have a free 40 minute Love Mentoring consultation with one of the handpicked, expert Mentors who work directly under my supervision.  Let me tell you, they are devoted, wise, loving and can help you get exactly where you want to be.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Dr. Diana Kirschner        ♥Dating and Relationship Advice from my Heart to Yours♥

During this holiday season that includes both Easter and Passover I wanted to share an inspiring and uplifting blog that is written by one of our expert love mentors, Kristie Guthrie, LPC. Kristie is happily married with kids and is working on her first book. In this piece she shows how a simple spiritual practice can dramatically alter your mood. For more on the value of meditation, prayer and other spiritual practices in helping your love life, pick up a copy of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love

   
When life becomes overwhelming for me, as it does at times for everybody, I use a very simple and effortless method to focus and get in touch with my core, my highest self.  The method? An affirming mantra. My mantra makes the impossible seem more than possible—even likely.  It allows me to focus on a positive thought and move quickly through my struggles.  No matter how difficult they may seem at the time.The chaos of life can chip away at our core; distract us from our goals and deepest desires.  I use an affirming mantra to re-center my life and to move forward with confidence and ease.  I use it to stay on track, to put my best foot forward.  In the past I have taken several different phrases as my mantra:  “Stay present, stay focused”; “It is what it is”; and “I am worth it.”  But the mantra that works best for me focuses on the present while reminding me that I control the future through my actions right here, right now: “The past is gone, the future is yet to be told, and today I am here to live.”Of course, what works for me might not work for you.  Mantra constitutes a voyage of self-discovery—a unique experience for each of us.  It represents the ability to reach into your core—into your soul or gut—and find what means the most to you and generate positive energy.  For me, mantra relieves anxiety, builds self-esteem, and helps develop a core value system.  I hope you find my personal story of mantra helpful, but the mantra may serve a slightly different purpose for you.  Again, I want to emphasize the individualized nature of mantra—it must work for you and get you past your particular difficulty, a broken heart, loss of employment, or the daily struggles of life.  Mantra is about eliminating negative thoughts and replacing them with positive thoughts.  When you feel you are losing control, stop, focus, put aside your fear, and concentrate on your mantra.  Repeat it to yourself over and over, perhaps; “I deserve true love and happiness.”  Often, you’ll find that the physical symptoms of stress-induced anxiety and worries will disappear completely. 

For our purposes, you may, if you like, remove the term mantra from its roots in Hinduism and bring it into the twenty-first century.  I don’t ask that you sit cross-legged on your bedroom floor, The Essential Ravi Shankar blaring from your iPod, as you repeat the syllable “Om”—unless you find that particular position and type of music comforting.  Instead, I hope that you’ll find a word or phrase—a slogan, perhaps— that functions as a kind of emblem for your journey of self-discovery, finding love, and self-fulfillment.  Make it simple and easy to remember.  Recite it as often as you like and to whatever musical accompaniment you prefer, but your mantra should serve as a constant reminder of your goal.  Repeat it during times of doubt or desperation.  When you prepare to create your mantra, begin by asking yourself these questions:  What is important to me?  What is the consistent theme or goal of my life?    How are my life’s problems and worries— undermining my morals and values?  How are these issues standing in the way of my becoming the person I want to be? 

When I’m coaching and mentoring my clients, I first ask them about the personal accomplishments that brought them pride and joy; I direct them towards the positives in their lives.  However, while I focus on the clients’ achievements during this early part of the process, I then also have them talk about their fears, their failings.  Since they will use their mantras to surmount these obstacles, I encourage them to examine their lives very carefully and, of course, very honestly.  For example, Ashley, is a love mentee who is a successful business women in her 40s.  She exudes beauty in many ways, both physically and internally.  Recently, she had been passed over for a promotion and told me that she experienced a deep fear of failure in her career. She believed that her success to-date was due to her appearance (she is quite attractive) and not her intelligence or skill sets.  With only superficial beauty Ashley believed that her business upside was limited. In addition, Ashley was very demoralized about not having a life partner, someone she could love and cherish and who felt the same way about her.  As I coached her, it became clear that she feared not failure but the power of great success.  She felt that she did not deserve to be recognized at work or to be loved by a terrific guy. She showed what Dr. Diana Kirschner calls a relationship killer belief, specifically, feeling not worthwhile or loveable.  Under the influence of this belief pattern Ashley was stuck both in her love life and professionally. 

In our sessions (by skype) I worked on bringing out her Diamond Self and helped her develop a mantra to own her inner strength power.  She came up with “I have the courage to be who I am intended to be in all of its greatness!”  I asked her to sit quietly for a few minutes daily and repeat the mantra. Through this process, not only was Ashley awarded a promotion, but she found a fantastic guy whom she is dating exclusively.   So when life becomes overwhelming, whether you are recovering from the heartbreak of a failed relationship, loss of a job, or simply searching for more inner peace, an affirming mantra will quiet the spirit and help you move on more quickly.  So take a moment in your life to create a mantra.  You’ll be glad you did!

Thank you, Kristie, for your wise words. If you would like a free 40-minute love mentoring session with a seasoned pro like Kristie, click here or go to www.lovein90days/coaching.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

  Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter 

 

Many of you have written to me recently with the same question:

“I still love my ex and I think he still loves me. How do I get him back or should I just try to forget him?”

When I or my Love Mentors have delved into the particular situation, we’ve found that often, even though your relationship is officially “over”, he may suddenly resume his normal e-mails or texting with you. Or even call you and ask to get together. But before you rush back and pretend that everything is business as usual, ask yourself: What’s really changed? You can give him some more contact, but do not make it too easy for him. For example, in the first few interactions, challenge him by asking if he has had any further thoughts about the breakdown in your relationship. If he wants to see you, just schedule a half-hour coffee date and make sure you have something planned that you must go to afterward. Don’t wind up impulsively sleeping with him again when he hasn’t demonstrated much transformation. This is the kiss of death, and I have seen it happen all too often.

In my new best-selling relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love, I share all of the secrets and guiding principles behind any possible reconciliation. Here we’ll look at 12 key signs to look for in your ex’s behavior while you’re in contact with him. In order to have more and more contact with you, he has to show that he is sincere. Words are cheap. More important, watch for his follow-through on actions he promises you. To help you determine whether the separation from you has helped your guy achieve a breakthrough in his commitment fears or self-doubts, look for one of these 12 signs, ranging from modest improvements in behavior to deep transformations.

The 12 Signs of Change

1. He shows you that he’s worried or upset (this is realistic if he really cares for you!).
2. You wind up having deep, open, and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, what was missing in it, and where you’d like to take it in the future.
3. He realizes what he did wrong and is sincerely apologetic (not defensive).
4. He wants to make things up to you.
5. He shows renewed devotion toward you—perhaps helping you with a work project or other tasks.
6. He courts you in novel romantic ways (poems, thoughtful gifts, or exciting dates).
7. He is suddenly saying all the things you used to say about the relationship being great.
8. He expresses his appreciation for you and all you bring to his life.
9. If he has cheated, he cuts off contact with his lover (see the next section for more).
10. He wants to enter psychotherapy or take a growth course either individually or with you to understand his own dynamics and to make your relationship better. If he goes into therapy, suggest seeing someone who can see both of you as well as him individually. It’ll work out better that way.
11. He actively pursues moving in together.
12. He proposes marriage.

If he shows these signs and does want to get back with you, make sure you are having serious conversations about your future and what it’s going to take to get your relationship to a deeper level, like counseling, apartment hunting, and/or even ring shopping.

The bottom line is courage. No guts, no glory. Instead of investing so much time and energy in a relationship that is dragging you down, you can choose to set a limit. After all, you could be much happier in a new relationship with someone who is appreciative and actively building a future with you. A relationship should make your life better, not worse.

To give you a look at how the process works, watch the video below. This is the story of 45-year old Nadette who came to me for love mentoring as part of Yourtango.com’s 31-Day Love Life Makeover. She had broken up an engagement with her boyfriend, Erik, because he demeaned her and often withdrew from her. She of course made things worse by being a drama queen and nasty. The couple was always fighting and so she ended it. Then she asked me for help.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter