Hooking up, that is, no-strings-attached sex, can be hot, mind-blowingly hot.  And it has become the norm for many colleges students, 20-somethings and even many 30-somethings.  But there are high costs for this brief steamy pleasure.   Impulsive in-the-moment sex is often fueled by alcohol or drugs, which makes it hard to remember that it is risky sex.  Risks escalate if there is no condom, or if it sits in the back pocket instead of being put on.  Chances are your partner is having sex with lots of others, no matter what he or she says.  So the condom needs to be where it is supposed to be–protecting you from AIDS and other STDs.  Not to mention saving you from having to deal with an unwanted pregnancy. 

There are tons more reasons why old-fashioned dating rocks and hooking up may not serve you in the long term.  Casual no-strings-attached sex can be an emotional boomerang that sets you up for heartbreak and disappointment both emotionally physically.   Hooking up often leads a moth-to-a-flame burn-out: you get a giant surge of dopamine, the falling-in-love jet fuel that makes you crazy about your partner, plus oxytocin which bonds you to him or her.  But often this hotwired attachment does not go both ways.  Your partner, may simply blow you off.  Then you wind up discarded and heartbroken.  This is the Flame Out Deadly Dating pattern that ruins your chances for a love relationship.  It is the most common dead-end love pattern that I describe in my book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding True Love.  

Meanwhile, this month’s Cosmo (with Kate Hudson on the cover) has a must-read article called “The Truth About Hooking Up,” by Laura Gilbert that you need to get.  Laura cites all the latest research that shows how hooking up can be a big problem for women (plus she interviews me, ahem, one of my favorite authors…)  Seriously, I really want you to check out this article for some important surprises–like who is more likely to get certain kinds of sexual pleasure out of a hook up.

Here’s to more Love,

Dr. Diana

Hi!
Here is a guest post from Tammie Reed, the host of the radio show www.talking withtammie.com

I think that dating is much harder to do now with internet and all things media. The young people are all about right now and don’t fully understand that relationships take time. Noone wants to get to know each other anymore. I do still have faith that our young people will find love, its just going to take alot of maturity on both parts. With good guidance and people taking responsiblility for their actions, I think they can find love and be happy.

I just celebrated my 10 yr wedding anniversary this month and I can’t believe it myself…Yikes! When my hubby and I met we were not looking for love. We started out as friends and really got to know each other. I love him for him and he loves crazy ol me! My hubby lets me be me and has never tried to change my forever spontaneous ways. We communicate a lot and that’s key in any relationship. I still occasionally hide shoes in the trunk of my car and buy things that I dont need. He lets me think that I’m getting away with murder knowing all along that the Betsey Johnsons are eventually going to make their way into the closet! lol. Tammie.

Hi!
I want to start with the Man himself today, so here it is:

Love moderately: long love doth so;
Too swift arrives as tardy as too slow.
~Shakespeare

When it comes to dating, the Bard got it right. Moderation is key. It keeps you from moving too quickly or too slowly when you’re getting to know new men and what they bring to your table. And the most powerful way to achieve moderation is by using the Dating Program of Three.

News flash! If you are in the NYC area, on Nov 16, you can come and be in the audience of my LIVE PBS Pledge show taping of my talk, Finding Your Own True Love, which covers the Dating Program of Three!! For more info, see below!

The Program of Three is exactly the opposite of the urban legend “three-date rule,” which dictates that you must decide by the third date if a guy is the potentially the One and have sex or lose him forever. On this dating program, you avoid that pressured decision and its aftermath: a Flame Out that usually kills the relationship. Instead you date three men at the same time without having sex with any of them. By not seeing any one man too often, you find the men who are really into you and who will stay the course. Plus, you break out of your prison of deadly dating patterns and maneuver more skillfully in the dating world. By following this program, you build your self-esteem and find men that are much more fulfilling.
Although the idea of finding, much less juggling, three guys may sound challenging — if not downright impossible! — let me reassure you: it won’t be once you begin using all the tools you’ll learn in my new book, Love in 90 Days.

Why It Works
There are sound biological reasons why the Dating Program of Three rocks!
First of all, it helps you avoid the number one mistake that single women make: the addictive moth-to-a-flame over-involvement with some new guy who is supposedly the “One,” which I call the Flame Out Deadly Dating Pattern. As Helen Fisher, the renowned anthropologist, describes in her fascinating book, Why We Love, romantic love is a real addiction. It is like shooting up cocaine or heroin, which means reason often goes out the window. When we “fall in love” our brains make large quantities of dopamine and norepinephrine, which also happens when you take speed! These brain chemicals create the excited, exhilarated and focused state that allows us to have eight-hour dates and remember every detail about what our new hottie did and said. These speed-like chemicals also can drive up our levels of testosterone, which increases sexual desire.
Second, when we fall in love, serotonin levels fall and resemble the levels found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. So we tend to ruminate, fantasize and obsess about our new (drug-like) boyfriends. The new love is in our thoughts all day and in our dreams at night. Your brain says, focus on him, focus on him, focus on him.

Once this process takes you over, you become like a craving coke addict. You lose touch with reality, seeing only the positives. You lose self-control. Instead you are locked on the target, the fix—hotwired and ready to do outrageous things, sometimes self-destructive things, whatever it takes to be with him. One look, one sweet word is all it takes. Even if you don’t really know him. Even if it is not in your best interests. And as you continue to spend more time together the addiction intensifies.

If you move too quickly into the pulsing rush of love, you put yourself at risk for an agonizing withdrawal if this man rejects you. Then sleeplessness, crying jags, over- or under eating, obsessive and upsetting thoughts, all mess with your brain chemistry even further.

The Dating Program of Three safeguards you against all these dangers of love addiction. On this program you will see the new hottie less often and have a measured coming together. You will be less likely to lock on to him with a singular focus that puts you at risk. In this way you elegantly avoid getting physiologically and emotionally devastated if it turns out that he is a player or all wrong for you.

The Program of Three also stops you from having sex prematurely. Why is this so important? Simple biology. When you have sex with someone, your body drives up the levels of oxytocin both during the whole sexual act and after you leave the scene. Oxytocin, which has been called the cuddle, bonding, or tend-and-befriend hormone, creates a strong biological attachment. This means that your body may automatically start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed, whether or not you want to be in a relationship with him! Add that chemical to any dopamine surges and you’re desperately waiting for his text, email or phone call. Jumping into bed too soon means you open yourself to premature infatuation, dependency and a kind of pseudo-intimacy that almost always backfires. Then, caught in the chemical soup of dopamine and oxytocin, you will likely lose yourself.

Dating three guys helps clarify what you want and need in a man, because you can easily and instantly compare and contrast. So for example, when Friday rolls around and ‘Sean’ is cheap and miserly, Saturday’s date with ‘Randy’ will more clearly showcase his giving nature. When you come from abundance in the land of men, you can give yourself many possibilities rather than just one.
The world is full of abundance and opportunity, but far too many people come to the fountain of life with a sieve instead of a tank car… a teaspoon instead of a steam shovel. They expect little and as a result they get little. ~Ben Sweetland

Program of Three dating is challenging, but it’s truly empowering. It allows you to be long-sighted and keep your eye on the prize: a lasting fulfilling relationship that’s just right for you. It helps you end your Deadly Dating Patterns, frees you from the “three-date rule,” and keeps you protected from all the scenarios designed to break your heart. Of course, there are definitely obstacles to creating a Program of Three, but I’ve helped thousands of women do this already, and you’re no different. You can do it, too!

Getting Started on the Dating Program of Three
I can hear you already. “Dr. Diana,” you might be thinking, “I’m still trying to find ONE man to date. How can I find three?” First of all, listen up, ladies: there are more than 41 million single men just in the U.S. right now and different ones are coming on the market all the time! And every year, there are new online dating sites that bring in whole new crops to choose from. There are men out there. No matter what your age, weight or “problem” is.
What if you have special challenges because you are African-American…over 45…a single mom… or so highly successful you scare men away? In my book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love I devote an entire chapter to these groups. In it, you’ll find the latest research that dispels many of the urban legends that we have about finding a lasting love relationship.
In fact, almost every student I ever had who was willing to consistently work the principles, no matter what her challenges or deadly dating patterns were, has been able to create a successful Dating Program of Three.
It’s not as hard as it seems. Drew, a 42-year old single executive with weight issues, was the highest bidder at a charity auction where a mentoring session with me over lunch was the prize. Here’s what she emailed me about a year later:

I particularly thought the point of ‘dating three guys at once’ was amusing at first, but then you know…. it worked. Even though at times I knew some guy wasn’t going to be the love of my life, it was still a diversion from getting involved with another guy too fast before I knew it was the right thing. I think this is the best advice ever and have passed it on to several of my friends. Last summer, I joined a large online dating site and ended up meeting a really nice guy, although at first not necessarily what I thought I was looking for. We get along great, have tons in common, and it’s by far the most mature and healthy relationship I think I have ever been in. We got engaged this past October while on vacation in Florence. He proposed in front of the Fountain of Neptune in the Piazza della Signoria. We are planning a wedding for next June on Martha’s Vineyard.

When you begin dating three men at once, you’re shifting the balance of power to be more equitable. Starting now, take a stand for yourself, a stand that says you deserve a great partner. Take your time, learn what is possible in a relationship, and start playing an active role in choosing who you’re with. Don’t wait to be chosen. Now, with all the online and offline possibilities you have an abundance of men at arm’s reach, you have the ability to pick and choose for yourself.

News Flash!! You can attend my PBS special in NYC!
I will be talking about the Dating Program of Three in my new PBS Pledge Special, Finding Your Own True Love – a dynamic, practical and inspirational talk on love relationships, dating and finding true love, especially aimed at women over 40. It will be taped Sunday, November 16th at 2:30 PM at the NEP Studios, Maury Povich Stage (Studio A) in NYC! And you can attend!! For free tickets go to http://www.lovein90days.com/contact_drdiana.php and enter your request in the “Contact Dr. Diana” box.

Hope to see you there!
Dr. Diana

Come follow me on Twitter @drdiana

I think texting rocks!  It means that no matter what you are doing you can be in touch with and connected to your loved ones.  Texting has absolutely deepened our love relationships.  Now your “A” level friends, family and lovers can be in a constant secret dialogue with you, even while you are with other people.  

Now some love advice and etiquette:

~Little steamy or romantic texts can go a long way—less is more because you can pick up where the message ends and begin fantasizing about the other person!

~Breaking up with someone by text is a definite no-no—it is treating the person with a lot of disrespect and usually done out of cowardice and being afraid to come face to face to deliver the heartbreak.

~Revealing something embarrassing in writing is never a good idea—it can be shown to others. 

~Using text to avoid speaking on the phone is sometimes the shy way out—doing so will never get you over your fears.  You have to come face-to-face and have straight truthful talk in order to have a whole relationship with a person.

~Texting during a date is simply bad manners and rude. 

~Mass texting to ask people out on a date is a desperate act and will backfire on you later if people compare notes. 

~In the beginning phase of dating you are testing the waters and you don’t want to overdo it.  When the relationship becomes more serious, you tend to text a lot to send love messages, plan things together and get emotional support or advice.

          Texting messages are the new love notes!  And the new means of emotional connection, support, teaming and planning activities together. It’s high tech–high touch time!

Here’s to more LOVE!

Dr. D.

Click here to Buy the Love in 90 Days Book

I was on the Today show last week on a segment about what to do when life doesn’t work out the way you want it to.  It was great fun.  Hoda and Kathie Lee were fantastic, as usual, and I got to meet terrific authors Rene Syler and Amy Cohen and work with the talented Debbie Nigro, a founder and Chief Executive Girlfriend of firstwivesworld.com.  Here are the five tips I was not able to give on air, the steps you can take that can help when things go south, especially in your dating or love life.

Life almost always takes a left turn–it never seems to go the way we expect.  The One turns out to be a Dud, the chemistry dies off in your marriage, you get divorced and on and on.  How do we cope?  Studies show that certain people are more resilient–they adapt quickly and easily to change.  When they hit unexpected, unwanted left turns in their lives, they use mentors, positive emotions and self-talk to help them cope.  These fortunate people can turn a bushel of lemons into a whole lemonade stand.  So, aside from being envious, what can we learn from them?

Here are five ways resilient people turn life’s disappointments into unexpected blessings and opportunities:

1. Use humor

Research on people who watched funny videos showed they had reduced stress hormones, a boost to the immune system and a reduction in feeling pain. Laughter is a lifts you right out of that downward spiral of negative thoughts and feelings that come with loss.  Look for the funny angle. 

2. Find a mentor

This is what totally changed my life. As young adult I never wanted or expected to marry anyone because I had only seen battles and unhappiness in my parent’s marriage.  I was caught in deadly dating patterns, being a hermit or taking crumbs and wanting the guys who didn’t want me.  But then I got a love mentor who taught me that love was possible and how to create it. This was the beginning of the program in my book Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.  And using those principles I took a left turn—here I am 180 degrees opposite from what I imagined–in a loving marriage to a guy who is my best friend for over 25 years! 

3. Use a positive focus

Research is very clear that even after they have faced a serious life-changing event resilient people focus on positive thoughts and feeling that might come up—whether it is a moment of peacefulness, calmness or delight over a visit from a child or the beauty of a flower.  They feel their anger, fear and depression, but they also experience whatever positive feelings come up.  Even the most difficult circumstances can be seen in a more positive way. If your husband suddenly up and left, are you free to pursue your passion for painting now?  Put your attention on the door to creativity and fun that is opening up for you.

4.  Find and enjoy the hidden benefits

What is freeing about your new situation?  How are you better off as a person?  Now that you are divorced can you go on a shopping spree without having to fight a battle over it? What is going to be good about this situation?  If you just broke up with a person who is very critical and demeaning, are you already starting to feel a little better about yourself?

5.  Work on new goals

Resilient people don’t dwell in the past, and constantly think about what was lost.  They use the steps we just talked about to be forward-looking and choose new goals that bring a measure of hope and happiness.  If you are suddenly single, start poking around a few online dating sites.  Take a chance and go out on a blind date with your neighbor’s friend. Set some new dating goals for yourself, even though it’s absolutely the last thing you want to do.  Shifting your attention will get you out of your slump.  Really. 

Much love to you,

Dr. Diana