Research has repeatedly shown the power of positive self-talk, which is what most of us call affirmations. Positive affirmations have been used to: change behavior in underachieving students; increase nurses’ and doctors’ well-being and lower their stress levels; reduce breast cancer patients’ cortisol levels; and heighten athletic performance. People cope more easily when going into new social situations and are less likely to make downward social comparisons when they practice self-affirmations. Participants in one study who said self-affirmations before a new social encounter reduced their thoughts about being rejected, compared with another group that focused on the party and who would be there.

So how do you affirm yourself? You deliberately make positive statements about yourself in your mind and aloud that are inspiring and nourishing. Some examples are: I am lovable; I am a good person; I am a child of God; I am intelligent; I am attractive; I am a great person. Get the engine going until you feel freer and freer to write down whatever comes to mind. If a statement feels scary, that is good—you are pushing the edges of your growth. If it feels great to think an affirmation, then it is right on target. Choosing a thought to put your attention on is generative. I believe that attention is one of the most powerful creative forces at your disposal.

When you make self affirmations, you build on positive experiences from the past and more importantly are programming for new fulfillment in the future. Global or glowing affirmations about yourself don’t necessarily work in the time frame you would like—usually they take much longer. But they do work. Make no mistake about it. The more attention you put on the loving self-declaration, the more quickly it will manifest. But you have to put your attention on it like you would on a mantra—lightly and without attaching to the affirmation too tightly.

When doubts or other negatives arise, treat them as if you were sitting in meditation: observe them without judgment. Notice and acknowledge your self doubts and DO NOT FIGHT THEM. The more you acknowledge the doubts without struggle, the more quickly they will go away. Always return to your affirmation, like you would go back to a mantra after a distracting series of thoughts. Following this method will speed up your progress in creating and living from your loving self-affirmations.

You can be the prime and sole architect of a deliberate and more positive self-concept or identity using self-affirmations. Over time and with this practice, you will release your negative self-talk and delimiting inner beliefs. Together, the inner dialogue and beliefs form what I call the “Disappointing Self.” Later we will do an exercise that helps get rid of this unfulfilling self so that you can anchor in a new and more self-prizing identity.

The wonderful thing is, you get to decide how you want to experience yourself. You get to decide who you are. And the best place to decide is based in your own authenticity. Your true interests and gifts are apparent when you are real and you can build on them. For example, as a child I was crazy about dogs. But when I got one, I was not shown how to care for him. Instead my parents berated me as a “bad” pet owner and I had a great deal of guilt and shame about the whole experience. I actually repressed my love of dogs for many years and avoided relating to them. When I went to a growth course that focused on being in the present moment, I came face-to-face with a Yorkie. I suddenly remembered that doggie affection and love. I created the self affirmation, “I am great at taking care of dogs.” And I am! Ask my teacup Yorkie, Ariela, who sleeps with me every night.

The most powerful self-affirmation you can create is to give your Diamond Self, your most glorious self, a name. This is often easier if you develop it with your master Love Mentor or Team Love. While uncomfortable at first, taking on and using this name is an ultimately fun and joyful creative experience. In my courses, some of the names that women have bestowed on themselves are Beloved Mighty Isis; Amazing Grace; Magnificent Star; Sexy Inuit Sea Princess; and Precious Czarina. Embarrassing as it is, you need to practice using your name with your Mentor, Team Love and/or closest friends. Oh, and one more thing: dress the part. You have already begun working on your ‘star’ appearance. Now you can help pull it together by thinking about your newyou name. Here is an email I received from “Goddess Jana” who was re-discovering her own beauty.

I am a stunner. I just had to tell you that Jon and I went shopping today and bought a dress for tomorrow night. I really should keep taking pictures of myself because I am so hot!

Finally, there is one more way you can reinforce your positive affirmations and self-appreciation and that is by giving to yourself every day. Every day; no exceptions. Look for new and special treats that you usually deny yourself, experiences you would look forward to. In our culture, women are taught and expected to be generous to everyone but themselves. For a woman to be giving to herself is often considered selfish. So you must break your conditioning and learn to give to yourself especially in areas where you are stingy or withholding. From the smallest acts, like listening to your iPod more and giving your life a soundtrack, getting and wearing those cashmere socks, or splurging on a French manicure; to signing up for pole dancing, singing, or Improv; and up to the
largest steps, like painting every day and declaring yourself an artist or buying that condo in the building you’ve been eyeing. Just do it. When you get up each day, use the affirmation, “I give myself what I want and need to be happy.” or “Everything I want is here for me.”

Then, throughout the day, check in with yourself. Take your attention inward and get a sense of how you are feeling. If the feelings are not positive, take a moment to acknowledge them as OK, and then speak kindly to yourself. If you are working on a demanding project, promise yourself a wonderful reward. Tell yourself how much you have accomplished and how well you are doing. Think about what little prize would make work more enjoyable. Heed the Bard’s advice: “Be to yourself as you would to your friend.”

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

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By Dr. Diana Kirschner

The best strategy you can use to succeed in finding true love is the Dating Program of Three. I have taught this dating and relationship approach to therapists, clients and students for more than 25 years and it has resulted in great success. In my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love, I devote an entire chapter to how and why it works, so for now I’ll just summarize the five most Frequently Asked Questions about this all-important piece of dating advice.

1. Does the program of three mean what I think it does?
Yes, it does.  Date three people at the same time. And be upfront in telling them you’re doing this. And, most importantly, DO NOT have sex with any of them.

2.  How can this work for me?   I can’t even find one good person to date! 
That’s the point–having to find three eligible people means you have to break through your patterns of being too picky or too unavailable. You have to give a chance to the nerdy ones or the
ones who ‘aren’t good enough.’  And you have to screw up your courage, smile, make eye contact and open your mouth to give yourself a chance with the ones who are ‘out of your league.”

3. What about instantaneous chemistry that can be so yummy?
That yummy chemistry often backfires when you are looking for lasting true love—the relationship that starts out red-hot can quickly go stone-cold. When you date three people, you are protected from this rapid moth-to-a-flame over-involvement that is the biggest mistake singles make in love relationships.  Having sex with someone releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone. If great chemistry leads to having sex too soon, this can backfire because you don’t really know each other. On the Program you won’t have that problem because you are not having sex with these people.

If you are truly on the Program of Three you can’t spend all that much time with one person. You can enter relationships in a mature and measured way to avoid premature infatuation, dependency, or pseudo-intimacy. On the Program of Three, if one doesn’t call you, another one will. And you can come from abundance with three possibilities rather than scarcity with just one.

4. What types of men should I be looking for?
You want to enter the world of romance with the attitude of an anthropologist.  Ask yourself: What are the personalities of these natives about? What are they really into? Who fits with you? Who can give you the kind of companionship, nurturance or the belief in you and your dreams that you need to be your best self?

On the Program, you rank order your partners in terms of least to most fulfilling. Less stimulating or enjoyable partners are left behind as they are replaced with higher level ones.

5. Where do I meet these plentiful guys?
You can use two different online dating services, join professional organizations, associations devoted to the arts or political activities, and/or attend interesting educational courses. Advanced courses are best since they attract more men. Get out there. Expand your interests. Break out of your old habit patterns. Try golfing, bowling, or join a business group. Participate in an activity that’s out of the norm for you. Make eye contact and say hello to everyone you meet. Each person has a social network of at least 200 other people who they could potentially introduce you to!

Empower yourself and try the dating program of three.  It can help you find an amazing true love relationship!  To learn more about the Program and the latest research on creating true love that is just right for you read my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. And please make sure that you subscribe to my etips: they are a mini-course on finding true love that you can start today.