After great e-romance, text jokes, and a few three hour soul-to-soul phone sessions, it is time to meet the possible One at the local Italian place.  You look in the mirror and nothing seems right. You seem to have a Ph.D. in shyness.  And you know just how awkward things can get when you get tongue-tied or feel intimidated. There is nothing quite as intimidating as going on a first date with someone who seems like just the right match, a hottie who fits you like a silk glove.

Not to worry.  Here are seven dating tips taken from my FREE Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter that will help you get over your shyness and shine on a first date:

1. If you are meeting in-person, make yourself beautiful or attractive IN YOUR OWN EYES (which are the eyes that really count).  Take your time to do this and make sure you dress down or up so you fit in and feel comfortable at the meeting place.

2. Have topics ready to discuss around movies/TV shows, books, and news that you both may find interesting (nothing political or heavy).

3. Prepare your answers to the questions, What’s new?  What have you been up to?

4. When you get there, smile and give the person your full attention.   Notice very carefully what they are wearing and other details about your surroundings.  The cut of his shirt, the color of the molding on the walls, how the waiter is dressed, etc.  This will get your attention off yourself (attention that is stuck on yourself is the whole basis for shyness!!)

5. Ask general, casual, open-ended questions like, How did your day go? What was it like where you grew up? How did you get interested in X?   What drew you to my profile? Pay attention and enjoy the sound of your date’s voice as he/she answers these questions.

6. Avoid discussing old boyfriends or relationships (the number one conversation killer on a first date); talking about marriage, kids or sex; or discussing debt or health problems.

7. At the end, if there was any connection at all, tell your date how much you enjoyed talking with him or her and that you would like to continue it sometime.

Using these simple steps will allow you to relax, be yourself and have a great time.  And don’t forget that you can get many more useful dating tips like these by signing up for my FREE weekly Dating Tips and Relationship Advice Newsletter.  Click Here.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-seller “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter

Have you ever asked yourself these kind of questions about a guy?

How could he disappear so quickly after he came on so strong?  Why hasn’t he called?  Was he just into the sex?  How could he not see how great we are together?  Why doesn’t he make a date?   Why did he put his profile back up?  Will this man ever commit?  What the heck is going on with him? Is it him? Or is it me?

Ah, men.  So confusing.

And we’re supposed to be the mysterious ones!   Truth is, men are at least as hard to figure out as women.  Their behavior can be confusing, frustrating and maddening.  They tease us with clever poems, roses, daily texts and calls, only to turn around in the blink of an eye and completely disappear or disappoint us.  Who hasn’t fallen for that grand opening game, where they lure us with intoxicating conversations, funny dates, a perfect little heart necklace, delicious kisses and more?

Fortunately, I’ve logged many therapy hours listening to men as they’ve opened up and explored their deepest needs and fears.  Those private moments have given me a unique window into understanding guys’ dating games and issues.  And in this article, I will take you behind the scenes and share those intimacies with you.

The good news is that they, like us, usually really do want true love, and down deep they realize that they’d be happier, more content and more sexually satisfied if they had a good relationship.  The bad news is they are also scared, and they push real intimacy or commitment away.  Men fear being overwhelmed and taken over in an all-consuming relationship. Believe it or not, they also fear rejection and abandonment.  And all these fears play out in a variety of ways.  Men play out unconscious and conscious games which create a maddening push-pull with your heart. That’s why dating them can be so confusing and frustrating.

Guy’s fears of being vulnerable, of being loved and loving, lead them to enact their dating games or patterns.  Like us, they have habitual ways of sabotaging themselves when it comes to romance and love.  Unfortunately, men often follow these same self-destructive dead-end patterns over and over again, sinking possibilities of love into the netherworld in the process.

Understanding guys’ dating games is crucial not only to your success in creating the love you want, but also to your own self-esteem and happiness.  And to help you with this important process I want to make sure you take advantage of my free ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to tell the DUDs from the STUDs, how to go from casual to a real commitment and much much more by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Understanding these dating patterns can liberate us from these self-blaming thoughts.  Instead we can more easily say – and understand – that, “It is not just about me.  It’s about him and his issues.” We can view relationships in a more balanced way, examining more objectively who did what to whom.

In the very beginning of a relationship it may be very hard or even impossible to know for sure if a guy is caught in any one dating pattern.  Many of the patterns start out with a perfectly great opening phase.  This is another important reason why it is a powerful protective step for you to go on the Dating Program of Three.  If you see three guys at the same time and compare and contrast their styles, you will see their romantic patterns more easily.  Plus by going slowly and avoiding sex with all of them, you will be able to see each one’s dating game emerge.

So I want you to pick up a copy of my new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love. By the time you finish the chapter on Men’s Committment Fears I hope you have many ‘Aha experiences in understanding and being clear about these patterns.  Armed with this knowledge you can quickly get away from guys who are DUDs (Definitely Unworkable Dudes) or relationships that are truly dead-end or even destructive.  You can see clearly when it is time to stay and work on the relationship or when it’s time to cut your losses and go. You can be freer to choose the ones you want, the ones who give you love that is just right for you.

In order to do that, I will arm you with the information you need about men and how to set the stage for committment or when you need to cut him loose. So pick up the book and get ready to become an expert on the minds of men.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & the best-selling author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” and “Love in 90 Days.”  Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

Do You Have Dating Dawdlitis?
Four steps will get you off the couch and on your way to the love you want!

You’ll do anything other than looking for a partner online — watch TV reruns, clean the bathroom, complain about your dating troubles, or even call your mother. You freeze up and question yourself repeatedly when it’s time to meet someone for coffee, make the next call, date, or move on to the first kiss.

Sound familiar? It’s all too common, whether you’re new to dating or a seasoned but burnt-out veteran. When you find it hard or even impossible to date, even though you’re lonely and hungry for a romantic connection, you have what I call Dating Dawdlitis (DD).

Actually most singles have at least a touch of DD. We get tongue tied and run the other way instead of saying hello to the cute guy on the train or the hot girl who works in the office. When we need to find a profile photo, we see nothing but pimples, warts and just how big our nose really is. We write and rewrite our emails to prospective dates, trying to be more clever, more real, and more funny, more whatever — that mysterious quality that makes us irresistible. And when we’re on a date with an attractive partner, we get awkward or quiet or start babbling gibberish.

There’s another form of DD, we have pulled back because “nobody’s good enough.” We’ve dated a string of nerds and losers and that’s enough, thank you very much. What we don’t look at is how our own superiority masks a certain insecurity, a secret belief that, “There’s something really wrong with me.”

When DD is full-blown, we may be paralyzed to the point where we can’t or don’t even try to jump into the pool of possible dating partners. And even if we do manage to date, negative thoughts lurk in our minds like boogey men, ruining any chance of we have of simply being ourselves or having a good time.

DD is what stands between you and love, between you and those cozy nights of afterglow cuddling. But here’s the good news: You can beating Dating Dawdlitis. All you need to do is get off the couch and take these four steps that will build your selfconfidence and courage.

Your First Step — Understand you’re not alone. Most, if not all singles, have been through some form of DD. It’s OK to feel anxious, scared, intimidated, weird, or awkward. In fact, it’s OK to feel whatever you’re feeling.

Your Second Step — Understand that falling flat on your face is part of the romantic process. You’re supposed to make mistakes. That’s how you learn. You learn to walk by falling down. You learn to date by writing idiotic emails, sticking you foot in your mouth, and making clumsy, silly and just plain wrong moves. It’s OK. It’s just part of the process. Besides, the right person will find those not-cool things endearing and adorable! Take a moment, close your eyes, and visualize being your not-cool self and someone who is the One chuckling, smiling, and really digging it.

Your Third Step — Understand you need to train yourself to take action. Almost any action!! Email five hotties that are “out of your league.” Send that email response you’ve edited three times. Open your mouth and say something, anything, to any cutie around. And I do mean anything at all. Anything is infinitely better than nothing. And once you practice jumping in, you’ll be surprised at the possibilities that open up for you.

Your Fourth Step — Understand it is normal to get ‘knocked out’. Putting yourself out there in the dating world is a form of interpersonal training that is similar to learning to box. You are supposed to get knocked out until you meet the right opponent. Then you might trade some blows, but the whole thing is very exciting and you spend a great deal of time clutching and holding each other close.

Similarly, when you are training to be in a loving relationship, expect to get rebuffed or “rejected.” It happens. When it does, you are that much closer to meeting your match. So give yourself a reward for succeeding. Because even though it didn’t work out with the last person, the bottom line is that you are moving yourself forward. You sent that email, made that call, went on that date. You put yourself out there and that’s what counts. Get a Caramel Macchiato, go shoe shopping, or call to your best buddy who moved to Katmandu. After you do, hang out with friends who love you for who you are. Also, recall your visualization of the One being fascinated, amused, and loving you from Step Two.

As you take these steps, train and reward yourself with mini-celebrations you will build a whole new habit pattern of playing full-out in the dating arena. In fact, you will be well on your way to being with that one person who absolutely enjoys all the different cool and not-so-cool facets of you. And your Dating Dawdlitis will be a thing of the past.

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

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With a shy guy you have to be more available and flirty, take the lead more often and maybe even give him the first kiss.  Keep in mind, however, that he needs to be responding very positively to each of your moves. If he doesn’t, end the relationship because you don’t want to be stuck in a fantasy where you are crazy about someone who is truly not into you.  Now here are eight dating tips to bring a shy guy out of his shell:

1. See him when he is in his element.

If he plays sports, go watch.  Be there as he finishes a marathon. If he is giving a talk, try to arrange to be in the audience.  When a shy guy is in his element he will be at the height of his charisma and at a high point of self-confidence.  Bottom line: he will be feeling very good about himself.  And this means he will feel empowered to make a move on you if he is really interested.

2. Compliment him.

Notice something about him or what he is doing that you really like and praise it with a specific and sincere compliment. For example, That blog you wrote about going to Sicily was hysterically funny and made me want to go! This builds his self-esteem and will tend to get him to talk more about the topic.  And it may even get him to show off a bit for you.

3. Say his name a lot; give him a complimentary nickname.

This indicates that you are noticing him and that he is important to you.  He will bond more quickly with you when you use his name.  Also, choose a complimentary nickname based on one of his qualities that you admire.  For example, if he is into cycling, call him “Lance A.” This will get him to laugh and open up with you about his cycling experiences.

4. Ask open-ended questions.

Good examples are, “How did you get interested in (your job)?” “What brought you to live in the city?”  “How do you manage to train for a triathlon when you work full-time?” These kinds of questions will help a shy guy open up and talk about himself.  And this will lead to him feeling known and being comfortable with you.

5. Ask for help with something.

Men love to help women.  They are biologically wired that way!  Ask him to fix your computer, your car, your bike, your door—you name it.  He will enjoy coming through for you and feel much more connected to you.  Ask him questions about what he is doing—this will get him talking more. When he is in the “helper” role he is much more likely to share with you.

6. Ask what he likes to eat or what sports, hobbies, or movies he likes.  Once you find something in common, ask him if he’d like to do it some time.

Shy guys can be very interested in you, but petrified to make the first move.  It is very easy to open the door to a common interest by asking about food, hobbies or other fun activities.  When you hit on something you both love, you will instantly become more bonded.  It is easy, then to make the first move and ask about doing the activity together.  This is a good litmus test that will show if he is interested or not.  When you are opening the door that much, if he does not respond and make the date, chances are he is not into you.

7. When leaving, say you’d like to see him again.

This is an easy, non-threatening way to show that you are interested in him.  If he responds positively, by smiling, nodding or saying “yes” he may be feeling some attraction to you.  At that point, make sure he has your contact information!

8. Give Him a Mini-Massage

If you’ve spent some time together, make physical contact with him. Being physical releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone so he may feel closer and start responding to you immediately.  A mini-massage also relaxes him so that he is less up-tight and fearful.  In addition, making physical contact often opens the door to him making an affectionate gesture towards you later on—where he holds your hand, puts his arm around you or kisses you.

So practice some or all of these flirting tips and you’ll be an expert at bringing out the best in guys. And to help you I want you take advantage of my free ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to find,attract and date great guys, find the One, deepen commitment and much much more by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Wishing you love

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

A guest blog from Ashok from IndianDatingToday.com  in this Dating Advice for Women Series!

Recent studies have shown that ninety percent of all communication is non-verbal.  Ninety percent!  So what you are NOT saying speaks volumes.  Now you probably have been in a situation before where you seen your dream guy and you would love to approach him but just can’t. Most women have the same feeling, and generally speaking, they prefer for the man approach them. So what can you do? People unconsciously give off signals, especially non verbal ones. You just have to be aware enough to make sure you are giving off the ones that you intend.

Chances are you are an attractive, highly intelligent woman who has a lot to offer the right man in her life, but you just haven’t met him yet. By refining your non-verbal skills you can improve the number of men who approach you for dates, thereby increasing the odds of meeting your right match. And more importantly, you can direct your non-verbal cues to men you want to meet, letting them know you are available to be approached.

Here are some basic sure fire ways of letting a man that you are interested in know that you want to be approached.

1. Make eye contact. I do not mean that direct stare that you see in the cheesy chick flicks. It should be a subtle glimpse in his direction, make eye contact, and then look away.

2. He will notice, once he does, SMILE.  This will give him an invitation to say hello to you. This also shows that you open and friendly.  If he does not approach you then he is probably not interested. At least you will not be left wondering if you let an opportunity slip away.

3. Now let’s say you are lucky enough to chat with your dream hunk.  Continue using your non verbal tricks.  First be attentive, let him know that you are listening to him and what he is saying.  When you talk to him, touch him.  A gentle touch on the arm shows that you are interested in him.

4. Mirroring is another subtle method to create a feeling of bonding between two people. It naturally creates a feeling of rapport and trust. The trick here is to follow the other person’s movements with a 30-60 second delay. You do not want to be caught directly mimicking what he is doing. Behaviors that are OK to mirror include leaning forward, taking a sip of a drink, hand gestures when talking, tapping your foot, and facial expressions (smiling, raised eyebrows, or looking away).

Keep in mind that if you are doing your best with non-verbal communication, but it just does not seem to be working, then it may be time to change your focus. Try it with another guy to see how you do. It will take some practice to feel natural and at ease, but the effort you put into refining your non-verbal skills is well worth it.

For more helpful dating tips especially on how to find your dream Indian partner, check out www.indiandatingtoday.com

And don’t forget: You can learn EXACTLY how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.

♥ Relationship advice from my heart to yours ♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

www.lovein90days.com