By Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.

So you’ve been cheated on.  It was devastating–like being kicked in the gut and thrown into the gutter.  You couldn’t eat or function at work.  Or maybe you were up all night watching old movies, crying and eating pints of Ben & Jerry’s.  The affair creates such heartache and pain that you do not want it to happen again.  Definitely never again.

The questions loom large. Is the cheater going to cheat again?  It’s a big issue.  Should you trust again or not?  Is it true, “Once a cheater, always a cheater”? You may feel torn, like you want to take your cheating partner back but feel like it is a point of pride not to.  You think, maybe you should just dive into that online pool, start looking for some great profiles and forget all about it. Or maybe not.

Well, I have some critical information for you: Research studies show that even among married couples, cheating is relatively common:  about 22% of men and 13% of women cheat.  According to recent studies, even spouses who describe themselves as “happy” with their marriage have affairs.

But the good news is this: Many people who are in relationships that have decent chemistry and benefits for both partners can actually work through the crisis of affairs.  Not only that, they can become closer and put an end to cheating once and for all.  This means that, “Once a cheater, always a cheater” is just not true.  There are people who learn and grow from the painful emotional hurricane and the loss of closeness in the relationship that are the aftermaths of cheating.

Of course there are players or sex addicts that will cheat and cheat and cheat again.  These are the ones your truly have to watch out for.  How do you tell if you are dealing with a chronic cheater?  Here are five signs that indicate your cheater is not a chronic case and that the relationship still has hope:

1. Your partner is truly remorseful and regrets having cheated.  Look for heartfelt apologies that ring true when you hear them.
2. Your partner cuts off contact with his or her lover.
3. The cheater shows a renewed appreciation and devotion towards you.
4. You wind up having deep, open and honest conversations with each other about your relationship, what was missing in it and where you’d like to take it in the future.
5. Your partner wants to enter psychotherapy or counseling either individually or with you to understand his/her own dynamics and to make your relationship better and more intimate.

If the cheater shows these signs and the relationship is good for you in many ways, consider taking your partner back.  One caveat:  If your partner continues the affair or starts a new one, in spite of showing the above signs, you may be dealing with a player or a sex addict.

And just how do you know if the cheating is going on again?  Here are some common signs:

• he/she’s working late a lot
• he/she’s’s suddenly taking trips you can’t go on
• he/she’s got new hobbies that don’t include you
• mysterious phone calls with hang-ups
• credit card bills for unexplained hotel stays or gift-type items
• less sex
• he/she’s more distant, angry or picky

If you find out your partner is cheating again, it’s time to protect yourself from any further heartbreak by breaking up with this person.  There are wonderful new matches waiting right there on your computer screen!

In sum, if your partner strays, it doesn’t absolutely mean he or she will do it again.  Once a cheater, always a cheater isn’t necessarily true. Forgiveness and a new coming together are possible.  If you have been betrayed but want to see if it can work, just stay heads up for a while and see which way the train is heading!

In case this is happening to you, I have some good news. I just started a highly personalized Love Mentor coaching service. Now you can have coaching from a trained Love Mentor, who has used Love in 90 Days principles to get and stay happily married.  Each one has a long background in transformational work and is closely supervised by me.  Most importantly, each Mentor is gifted and can help you move forward to the love relationship you really want!

The best news is, right now, as we kick off the Love Mentor Coaching we can give you an introductory 40 minute one-on-one personalized session by phone or Skype for FREE.  No strings attached.  Just go to www.lovein90days.com/contact/ to contact me and get your own personal FREE session by phone or Skype asap, because the time slots are filling up very fast.

And don’t forget to sign up for FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Just Click Here to get started now!

Thanksgiving is coming fast.  Then Christmas and Hanukkah.  Are you doomed to a miserable holiday if your relatives drive you crazy?  What if you are just introducing your family to a serious date, someone who could be the One?  Does Aunt Millie always cluck about what a shame it is that you are single?   Even if your family is a battlefield, or you are super stressed-out you can turn any holiday one of the best holidays you’ve ever had. Simply use my five-step dating advice “secret sauce” for singles that have to deal with problem relatives at the traditional family gatherings:

1. Shock your troublesome ‘bad egg’ relatives into being cordial or even likeable.  List three things, even small things, like hair color or crossword puzzle ability, you truly appreciate about them. Work these things into your conversation in an authentic way at the beginning of the family visit. This will tend to shock these ‘bad eggs’ into being ‘good eggs.’

2.  Use the therapist’s secret. When you’re facing a battleaxe relative, win by refusing to fight.  Accept comments about your appearance, weight or singlehood that used to upset you with a nod and say “That’s the way you see it.” This really throws them and saves you from a lot of holiday stress.

3. Stop worrying about looking good. Maybe you’ve just broken up with someone who your parents liked.  You feel loser-like, vulnerable and lonely coming to the family dinner.  You worry about how you are dressed, the extra pounds you’ve put on and various other assorted silly ideas.  Realize that the way they see you doesn’t really matter.  Underneath whatever they say, they probably love you to pieces.  So forget about looking good. Your real job is to have fun and enjoy yourself.

4. Set up a positive bond when a new boy/girlfriend comes to a holiday dinner with your family. Beforehand, tell both the family and your friend all the “good news” about each other.  Introduce discussion topics both have interest in.  If you are the newbie in the family, bring an incredibly thoughtful gift for the occasion, ask questions and listen a lot. Appreciate any and all good things about the meal, the house and the family members and remember to tell them what you enjoyed!

5. Set your intention for this holiday. You can make up your mind to have a happy holiday, no matter what your family relationships are like.  Decide something like, “This is the happiest Rosh Hashanah or Thanksgiving I’ve ever had.”  Remember to use the present tense.  Instead of engaging in family relationship battles, as soon as it’s possible, give yourself your own fun—excuse yourself and go for a walk or make snow angels with the kids.  As it is in other life situations like work and career, setting your intention, is the most important step.  This holiday you will probably be just as happy as you decide to be.
You can learn much more about the latest research on creating intentions especially in dealing with friends, frenemies and family in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my new book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

Life almost always takes a left turn–it never seems to go the way we expect.  The One turns out to be a Dud, the chemistry dies off in your marriage, you get divorced and on and on.  How do we cope?  Studies show that certain people are more resilient–they adapt quickly and easily to change.  When they hit unexpected, unwanted left turns in their lives, they use mentors, positive emotions and self-talk to help them cope.  These fortunate people can turn a bushel of lemons into a whole lemonade stand.  So, aside from being envious, what can we learn from them?

Here are five ways resilient people turn life’s disappointments into unexpected blessings and opportunities:

1. Use humor

Research on people who watched funny videos showed they had reduced stress hormones, a boost to the immune system and a reduction in feeling pain. Laughter is a lifts you right out of that downward spiral of negative thoughts and feelings that come with loss.  Look for the funny angle. 

2. Find a mentor

This is what totally changed my life. As young adult I never wanted or expected to marry anyone because I had only seen battles and unhappiness in my parent’s marriage.  I was caught in deadly dating patterns, being a hermit or taking crumbs and wanting the guys who didn’t want me.  But then I got a love mentor who taught me that love was possible and how to create it. This was the beginning of the program in my book Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.  And using those principles I took a left turn—here I am 180 degrees opposite from what I imagined–in a loving marriage to a guy who is my best friend for over 25 years! 

3. Use a positive focus

Research is very clear that even after they have faced a serious life-changing event resilient people focus on positive thoughts and feeling that might come up—whether it is a moment of peacefulness, calmness or delight over a visit from a child or the beauty of a flower.  They feel their anger, fear and depression, but they also experience whatever positive feelings come up.  Even the most difficult circumstances can be seen in a more positive way. If your husband suddenly up and left, are you free to pursue your passion for painting now?  Put your attention on the door to creativity and fun that is opening up for you.

4.  Find and enjoy the hidden benefits

What is freeing about your new situation?  How are you better off as a person?  Now that you are divorced can you go on a shopping spree without having to fight a battle over it? What is going to be good about this situation?  If you just broke up with a person who is very critical and demeaning, are you already starting to feel a little better about yourself?

5.  Work on new goals

Resilient people don’t dwell in the past, and constantly think about what was lost.  They use the steps we just talked about to be forward-looking and choose new goals that bring a measure of hope and happiness.  If you are suddenly single, start poking around a few online dating sites.  Take a chance and go out on a blind date with your neighbor’s friend. Set some new dating goals for yourself, even though it’s absolutely the last thing you want to do.  Shifting your attention will get you out of your slump.  Really. 

Much love to you,

Dr. Diana