None of us comes into the world with the requisite knowledge and skills to achieve the goals, hopes and dreams that we will set for ourselves in life. Our first mentors and coaches are our own parents and family. After this comes a wave of people from neighbors, ministers and friends to coaches, teachers and mentors. All of these folks can potentially reach us at the deepest levels and profoundly affect the way we look at, understand and proceed with life as time goes forward. We are born with the need and wired to accept certain inputs for us to grow and achieve our hopes, dreams and goals. It is almost universal in humans to wish to meet people who will make us be what we wish to become; someone who will make us do our best and become the best version of ourselves.

A coach or mentor can significantly increase our chances of realizing our goals in virtually every aspect of life. Studies show that without a coach or mentor that, in general, we have 10% of the chance of succeeding and reaching our goals as does someone who has a coach or mentor to help them achieve their goals. Mentors and coaches are available to help us with: 1) money (Do you have a financial adviser?),  2) Fitness (Do you have a trainer?),  3) Career (Do you have a mentor at work or a career coach?),  4) Spirituality ( Do you have a priest, minister, rabbi or other teacher?),  5) Hobbies (Do you have a teacher or mentor?),  6) Nutrition ( Do you have a nutritionist?) and 7) Love and Relationships ( Do you have a mentor?). The list goes on and on.

We live in such a complex world that it is difficult to acquire all the skills and understanding necessary to succeed without proper help and guidance from someone who knows more in a given area than we do. In the middle ages, young people were taken into a guild where a master craftsman would teach and develop the skills, knowledge and habits that would lead to success. In our more complicated world we must do a similar thing and seek out those who know more about something to give us the correct inputs to realize our hopes, dreams and goals. As a species, we are designed to grow in the context of a relationship. A coaching or mentoring relationship can provide us with the inputs we require to progress.

Before we share the three specific inputs that truly great mentors give us I wanted to share some great news. We have kicked off a Love Mentoring Coaching service and we can give you an introductory 40 minute one-on-one personalized session by phone or Skype for FREE.  No strings attached.  Just Click On www.lovein90days.com/contact/ to contact me and get your own personal FREE session by phone or Skype asap, because the time slots are filling up very fast.

Now back to love mentoring and how it makes such a huge difference in our lives. People in general are more likely to repeat than they are to change. This is true regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, etc. If we have been doing the same thing about a problem for the last five years, we are most likely to address that same problem the same way in five years from now. This is true even if the approach to the problem has failed over and over again. Pride and stubbornness along with fear and lack of knowledge can work together inside of us to sabotage success; thus the saying, “Old Habits die hard.” With enough repetitions of failure, many of us give up hope and stop trying to achieve our goals. This is where the role of a coach or mentor becomes necessary.

A good coach or mentor brings to the relationship with a mentee the kind of inputs we are wired to receive to move through our failures to find success. There are three basic inputs a mentor or coach brings to the equation: 1) Limit setting or discipline, 2) Nurturance or support and 3) Programming, teaching or information. These are the same inputs we are wired to look for from our parents initially. A coach or mentor provides a kind of specialized parenting focused in a particular area.

Limit setting is a key input in the learning and growth process. So many of us do things which actually make failure and lack of achievement a high probability. A good mentor will know which behaviors and actions are contributing to failure and knows how to decrease or stop those negative actions. This calls to mind the popular quote from Albert Einstein that, “ Craziness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” For those of us who recall the song, “Hard Headed Woman” by Cat Stevens, the following quote equally applies to limit setting, “ I’m looking for a hard-headed woman, one who’ll make me do my best.”

The need for nurturance and support for we humans is universal. Without basic love from our parents, we fail to thrive. In the areas of growth and goal achievement nurturance provides a certain kind of energy that embodies a belief before the fact that someone can reach a reasonable goal. We move ahead in part because those things we have not achieved are frightening for us. Nurturance and reassurance are the cure for fears of this kind. We respond to nurturance the same way that plants respond to sunlight; they orient towards the source of it. A coach or mentor who is able to provide discipline and nurturance has a better chance of succeeding with his or her mentees than one who is unable to provide both.

The third and last input of a good coach or mentor is to be able to provide knowledge and information about how to go about achieving a goal. If someone has relatively little or no knowledge about fitness he or she will not be a good trainer no matter how good he or she is at limit setting and support. Information or programming helps to rewire the brain, creating new synaptic connections allowing for us to better achieve our goal. Synapses in the brain are formed by repeatedly responding to new information. If we have as a goal becoming a better chess player, with information and practice over time we will be better in five years at chess than we are now.  The physical formation of synaptic connections in the brain help us to recognize patterns and improve our efficiency at dealing with problems. As an example, watch any teenager learning to beat a new video game. The exact same thing occurs in our physical brains when we are acquiring new knowledge to increase our chances of achieving our goals. Having a good coach or mentor who can provide all three inputs not only creates the possibility but greatly enhances the probability that we will live our hopes, dreams and goals.  Especially in the challenging arena that love provides. ~Jim Delpino

Thank you to Jim for his wise words!!!  Jim is one of our most gifted Love Mentors.  In case you haven’t heard– I just started a highly personalized Love Mentor coaching service. Now you can have coaching from a trained Love Mentor like Jim, who has used Love in 90 Days principles to get and stay happily married.  Each one has a long background in transformational work and is closely supervised by me.  Most importantly, each Mentor is gifted and can help you move forward to the love relationship you really want!

The best news is, right now, as we kick off the Love Mentor Coaching we can give you an introductory 40 minute one-on-one personalized session by phone or Skype for FREE.  No strings attached.  Just Click On www.lovein90days.com/contact/ to contact me and get your own personal FREE session by phone or Skype asap, because the time slots are filling up very fast.

And don’t forget to get FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.

♥ Relationship advice from my heart to yours ♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

When it comes to dating, the Bard got it right. Moderation is key. It keeps you from moving too quickly or too slowly when you’re getting to know new men and what they bring to your table. And the most powerful way to achieve moderation is by using the Dating Program of Three.

The Program of Three is exactly the opposite of the urban legend “three-date rule,” which dictates that you must decide by the third date if a guy is the potentially the One and have sex or lose him forever. On this dating program, you avoid that pressured decision and its aftermath: a Flame Out that usually kills the relationship. Instead you date three men at the same time without having sex with any of them. By not seeing any one man too often, you find the men who are really into you and who will stay the course. Plus, you break out of your prison of deadly dating patterns and maneuver more skillfully in the dating world. By following this program, you build your self-esteem and find men that are much more fulfilling.

Although the idea of finding, much less juggling, three guys may sound challenging — if not downright impossible! — let me reassure you: it won’t be once you begin using all the tools you’ll learn in my book, Love in 90 Days.  And while you are going through the program I want you take advantage of my free ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to find and attract the one, deepen commitment and much much more by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Why It Works

There are three sound biological reasons why the Dating Program of Three rocks!
First of all, it helps you avoid the number one mistake that single women make: the addictive moth-to-a-flame over-involvement with some new guy who is supposedly the “One,” which I call the Flame-Out Deadly Dating Pattern. As Helen Fisher, the renowned anthropologist, describes in her fascinating book, Why We Love, romantic love is a real addiction. It is like shooting up cocaine or heroin, which means reason often goes out the window. When we “fall in love” our brains make large quantities of dopamine and norepinephrine, which also happens when you take speed! These brain chemicals create the excited, exhilarated and focused state that allows us to have eight-hour dates and remember every detail about what our new hottie did and said. These speed-like chemicals also can drive up our levels of testosterone, which increases sexual desire.
Second, when we fall in love, serotonin levels fall and resemble the levels found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. So we tend to ruminate, fantasize and obsess about our new (drug-like) boyfriends. The new love is in our thoughts all day and in our dreams at night. Your brain says, focus on him, focus on him, focus on him.

Once this process takes you over, you become like a craving coke addict. You lose touch with reality, seeing only the positives. You lose self-control. Instead you are locked on the target, the fix—hotwired and ready to do outrageous things, sometimes self-destructive things, whatever it takes to be with him. One look, one sweet word is all it takes. Even if you don’t really know him. Even if it is not in your best interests. And as you continue to spend more time together the addiction intensifies.

If you move too quickly into the pulsing rush of love, you put yourself at risk for an agonizing withdrawal if this man rejects you. Then sleeplessness, crying jags, over- or under eating, obsessive and upsetting thoughts, all mess with your brain chemistry even further.

The Dating Program of Three safeguards you against all these dangers of love addiction. On this program you will see the new hottie less often and have a measured coming together. You will be less likely to lock on to him with a singular focus that puts you at risk. In this way you elegantly avoid getting physiologically and emotionally devastated if it turns out that he is a player or all wrong for you.

Last but not least, the Program of Three also stops you from having sex prematurely. Why is this so important? Simple biology. When you have sex with someone, your body drives up the levels of oxytocin both during the whole sexual act and after you leave the scene. Oxytocin, which has been called the cuddle, bonding, or tend-and-befriend hormone, creates a strong biological attachment. This means that your body may automatically start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed, whether or not you want to be in a relationship with him! Add that chemical to any dopamine surges and you’re desperately waiting for his text, email or phone call. Jumping into bed too soon means you open yourself to premature infatuation, dependency and a kind of pseudo-intimacy that almost always backfires. Then, caught in the chemical soup of dopamine and oxytocin, you will likely lose yourself.

Dating three guys helps clarify what you want and need in a man, because you can easily and instantly compare and contrast. So for example, when Friday rolls around and ‘Sean’ is cheap and miserly, Saturday’s date with ‘Randy’ will more clearly showcase his giving nature. When you come from abundance in the land of men, you can give yourself many possibilities rather than just one. Don’t miss Part II of this article in which I show you how to work the Program.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

The concept of the soul mate is thousands of years old and probably was originated by the Greek philosopher Plato. Plato described a soul mate as the person’s “other half” that has been split from him. The quest of life is to find your missing half. That theme has been explored in movies like “The Butcher’s Wife,” “The Time Traveler’s Wife,” and “City of Angels.” Other views of soul mates include reincarnation: our soul mate is someone with whom we have shared other lives.

The soul mate concept also carries with it the belief that a perfect person exists for us, if only we could find him or her — then love and life would be easy. This belief has created a lot of trouble for people, especially in the area of commitment. By insisting on finding a perfect partner, many people have walked away from really great potential partners. Why? Because something was missing. Maybe it was chemistry, or that he/she didn’t match their ideal of The One. So they’ve ended up alone, still looking for that perfect soul mate. The renowned family psychiatrist Frank Pittman once said, “Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate.”

Having been a psychologist for more than 25 years, and married to one guy for the same long stretch, I can tell you that there are no perfect partners out there. Not me. Not my husband. Not any of my many clients, friends, or family members. Lasting love is a hard-won battle of personal discipline, compromise, dedication, and commitment.

Scientists have found that scent plays a role in physical attraction and desire. Other research shows that those who are of similar educational levels are more compatible. While I don’t believe in The One perfect person idea, I do believe that there are better matches for us. And if we are with one of these people, we are more likely to have the experience of being with the one who is a soul mate (which I have had personally and can tell you, is a marvelous thing!).

But before we get to the 10 signs that he or she may be the one, I want you take advantage of my free ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to find and attract the one, deepen commitment and much more important information by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

The Ten Signs

So chances are, there is more than one person out there who fits the bill for you. All of them are less than perfect. But if there are no perfect partners, how can you know whether to stay or go? Here are 10 relationship markers to help you know if he or she is The One:

1. When you’re together you feel like you’ve come home.

2. You feel like your partnership was meant to be, as if kissed by destiny.

3. In your communication with each other there is a rapid “knowing” of what each of you means.

4. You have a shared mission in life, perhaps a cause, a career, or the creation of a family life.

5. When you’re together the world seems like a better place.

6. Your mood is elevated when you’re together. It’s not necessarily passion or excitement, although that’s there too at times.

7. When you look at him/her you see a part of yourself that’s been missing. Perhaps it’s her assertiveness or his joy of adventure. But it’s something that when added to your life, makes you feel more complete.

8. Being together makes you more hopeful about the future you are creating.

9. You can be more authentic and fully yourself around your partner.

10. Being together makes each of you work harder on overcoming bad habits and becoming more loving people.

Don’t worry if you don’t feel all 10 of these things when you’re with your partner. That’s where the imperfection comes in — either in you or your partner. If you are experiencing six or more of these markers, chances are you are matched well. Over time you can work towards having all of these qualities. Couples who have lasting love find that their relationships get closer and better over time. And that process has been my privilege and good fortune to experience personally — after a lot of hard work that continues to this day!

Bottom line: your chances of finding The One are better than you think. So go out there and start looking. Love almost always comes in a surprise package that opens up in marvelous and magical ways.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

Maybe you are in a long term on-again, off-again relationship where one or the other of you periodically withdraws or sees other people.  Have you ever been involved and in love with someone for months, or even years, only to find that they simply cannot or will not take that next step into living together or marriage?

The average time for a couple to move from dating to a committed relationship with a future that includes living together or getting married is from nine months to four years. All this varies considerably from couple to couple.  But usually, if things drag on in an uncommitted state much beyond a couple of years, the relationship will tend to go downhill. And eventually die.

But before I share this all important first step, I want you to take advantage of my free ongoing support. You can learn EXACTLY how to Find, Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

So now it ’s time to learn the single most important thing you can do – whether you are single or in a relationship – to win the committed lasting love of the One you really want.  Here it is:

Create a Love Intention that is an affirmation about having love that is just right for you.

Write your goal down as an affirmation about you or you and your partner in the present tense, as if it is happening right now.  So for example, “I have lasting, passionate fulfilling love in my life.” You might say, “I deserve a full commitment from my beloved.” Or you could write, “Brad and I commit to moving in together.” Post your Love Intention where you and you alone can see it every day.  Make sure to read your note several times a day.  Give the affirmation your full attention for just a few seconds.

Please note: you do not have to believe an affirmation in order for it to “work” and come true.  Simply say it and let yourself have a bit of an imaginary fantasy as if it were true.  The latest research shows that this process can literally retrain and rewire the neural connections in your brain! And with that retraining, come new thoughts, positive thoughts that create even more connections in the brain and so on. As you practice your Love Intention affirmation over time, your brain will create more and more connections that help reinforce your belief and love intention.

Reading or thinking the affirmation will help keep your attention focused on what you want to create instead of having thoughts about past or current disappointments or worries about the future.  Negative thoughts lead to fear, worry and more uncertainties. In fact when negative thoughts do occur, my relationship advice is to train yourself to repeat your affirmation in your mind.  Do not fight doubts, fears, negative thoughts or feelings—just let them come but then simply and gently repeat your Love Intention affirmation.

Commitment ultimately stems from making a decision about what you are creating in your life and putting your attention on that decision, over and over again, and then acting on it, even in the face of disappointments.  You decide, commit and take action towards your own love-filled happy future. When you do this repeatedly no matter what, you will succeed in having all the magical alchemy of committed love for yourself and with your Beloved.  Learn more about how to create a committed lasting love relationship in the version of my bestseller, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love, with a whole new chapter on Dating Games Men Play.

Wishing You Love,

xo Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

All couples belong to what I call the Fight Club because they almost all fight.  Couples that don’t fight are the ones that therapists worry most about.  In fact, couples who do not fight have double the divorce rate of those who do. Loving couples do air their differences.  But they follow three certain rules to make sure that their disagreement does not turn into World War III with mutual assured destruction.

But before we get into the Fight Club Rules, I want you to take advantage of  FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to improve your relationship, fight fairly, keep the passion going and deepen commitment by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Now Back to the Rules.

Fight Club Rule #1: Anger and Criticism Do Not Take Over.

Anger and criticism lead to “flooding,” a stress explosion in which the heart beats more rapidly, blood pressure soars and adrenaline surges.  The whole body tenses up as fear, confusion and then more anger take over.  Reason goes out the window.  In experimental studies of conflict, even when couples are asked to calm down, men simply aren’t able to while women can. Biologically speaking, men are wired to react more quickly and for a longer time period, probably for vigilance and safety reasons. So that’s why it’s best to start an interaction that could become a fight in a soft, sweet, or affectionate way with Positive Shaping Talk.  While a man can often be triggered by mere criticism, it usually takes contempt or strong denigration to flood a woman.

Loving couples tend to avoid flooding and practice Positive Shaping Talk with each other. They keep anger/upset levels down. And if anger swirls out of control they may use breathing, time out, humor or other Fight Club Rules to defuse the situation.

Fight Club Rule #2: Agree to Disagree

A healthy couple agrees to disagree, discussing differences with respect and self control.  They often show each other that they understand the other’s point of view.  The partners realize that ultimately they both want the same thing: closeness and a sense of shared love.  If they feel heard and understood, like their opinion matters, they can often let go of the issue, back down and reenter into an intimate connection.  In loving couples, who is right and who is wrong matters much less.  In fact, these couples operate out of a fundamental paradox: “I accept you as you are,” on the one hand and on the other, “Now will you please change.” This paradox is so well known, that it became the title of a long-running Off-Broadway show written by a long-term couple called, I Love You, You’re Perfect, Now Change.

Fight Club Rule #3: End Conflict in a Win-Win Way

There are several ways you can help end conflict on a positive note. I have often used the “Take Two” technique with couples: either of them was able to call out “Take Two” when a fight erupted and they would start their “scene” all over again, but from a loving place.  Couples do this naturally when one of them says something like, “Can we talk about this in a different way?”  Or perhaps one partner affectionately teases or soothes the other who is in the midst of flooding and the fight is over then and there. Or they might compromise.  The couple may follow a rule, like, Don’t let the sun rise on your wrath. Of course, one key to ending a fight is that a partner realizes they are wrong, apologizes and/or makes it up to their Beloved. 

In general healthy couples fight, but their fighting is less out of control and ends on a sweet note that carries them back to laughter, closeness and intimacy.  Here is how Gina, a therapist herself and former student of mine, describes how she uses Fight Club Rules with her man:

He gets so wounded and growls a lot if he thinks I am criticizing him.  So I usually bring stuff up when we are lying in bed, feeling close, with our feet touching.  It’s funny, but doing it this way means we fight a whole lot less.

Remember, practice doing whatever it takes to come out of your anger and create a dialogue.  In the midst of a disagreement, take a break, breathe, soothe or calm yourself and try on the other person’s point of view.  Ask yourself honestly, do you need to back down or make an apology to your partner?  When you are fighting, which is more important, being right, or being close? And if your partner gets flooded with anger, practice using humor, giving them space or soothing them in some way so that they can calm down.

And don’t forget to take advantage of  FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to improve your relationship, fight fairly, keep the passion going and deepen commitment by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.