Research done in the 1970s claimed that married women were more depressed than single women or married men. Is that still true today?  The short answer is, no.

In 2007, using data from the largest national studies ever done[i] researchers found that marriage reduces the blues in both men and women. Here’s the skinny:

1. In studies of those continuously married versus, those single or living together, researchers found that entry into marriage significantly reduces depressive symptoms in women (and men).
2. Those who were single and stable reported increases in depression over a five-year period while the married women did not.
3. Depression doesn’t seem to be a factor in who gets married. In other words, the problem of self-selection in experimental designs doesn’t appear to screw up the results.
4. In short, we now know that a stable marriage helps women ward off the blues. Other studies[ii] show that when we look at overall mental health, married women are emotionally healthier than singles.

What about the argument that marriage is better for men than it is for women?  We know that married men are far better off than single men.  Granted, men may benefit from marriage even more than women, but those differences can be accounted for by the nature of male single life: the bachelor tends to have more unhealthy habits and is less likely to have emotional social support than the bachelorette.  So when he marries, he steps up to a much healthier lifestyle.

Single women on the other hand, are not significantly different in their lifestyles than their married counterparts.  So where do married women suffer relative to singles?  In two areas: when they are in bad marriages or when they have kids.  It’s as simple as that.  Women in bad marriages report having trouble sleeping, not feeling OK and being more stressed than gals who say they are in a satisfying marriage. This is true even when studies controlled for being prone to depression or having kids. In other words a good marriage may contribute a lot more to a woman’s well-being than we previously thought. More on this later.

As to having kids, women with young kids have more stress than women without kids. Duh!  Oh, and they feel they have no time for themselves, for self-caretaking, so they report more stress.  Duh, duh!

If you’re looking to have kids, be prepared for a heck of a lot more responsibility and a more stressful life than being single without kids.  If you are married and one of those lucky few who have a house husband, you’ll have more responsibility outside the home and have the privilege of feeling guilty about being a “bad mom.”  There’s no winning here ladies—stress comes along with young kids and teenagers.  Of course, if you’re a single mother with kids, countless studies have shown that your stress level is much higher than marrieds with kids or singles with no kids.

Nonetheless, here’s the bottom line: Contrary to myth, a stable marriage tends to be emotionally uplifting for women. It reduces depression and improves overall mental health. Does it help men even more? Yeah, but what woman didn’t know that?

So stay tuned for more on this Dating Advice for Women Series!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Dr. Diana Kirschner ♥ Relationship advice from my heart to yours ♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

[i] See R. G. Wood, B. Goesling & S. Avellar (2007) The Effects of Marriage on Health: A Synthesis of Recent Research Evidence.  This is a meta-analysis of 70 studies. Available at http://www.mathematica-mpr.com/publications/PDFs/marriagehealth.pdf

[ii] For a list of references contact the author.

So let’s say you’ve been following  my Dating Advice for Women, had “The Talk” and worked through the usual ups and downs of the commitment process. You’ve even gone so far that marriage looks like the next step and he’s willing, if not eager, to go for it.

But wait, as they say, there’s more! Is getting married in the 21^st century such a great idea for women?  My many friends (especially women) from around the world on www.youtube.com/lovein90days/ are constantly posting comments like “marriage is dying,” and that living together is “so much better.”  And there has been a global sea change where now more people are living together than are married. Plus, some studies have shown that singles with strong social support are basically as happy as married women in good marriages[i].

Then there are the skeptics who claim that marriage is a bad deal for women today.  For example, in her recent bestseller[ii], Elizabeth Gilbert quotes research which shows that married women are less successful, more depressed, less healthy and more likely to die a violent death than single women.  Citing what she calls the “Marriage Benefit Imbalance” Gilbert points out that, while women fare poorly, men actually benefit physically and psychologically from marriage.   Nonetheless, she winds up, like many other women, getting married herself by the end of her book.  Hmm.

In response to this controversy I decided to write a blog series in this Dating Advice for Women section of the website where I  look at the hundreds of studies conducted around the world on the impact of marriage on women’s mental health, longevity, lifestyle and marital satisfaction.   We’ll look at these areas one by one and see what the latest research shows.  Here’s a secret I learned when I got my Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology: To find more of the whole truth, don’t rely on one study or one author’s work, especially if there are others that contradict it. So while I admire Gilbert as a writer I have to say I’m disappointed that she relied on the work of one sociologist who did her research way back in the 1970s.

The “Marriage Benefit Imbalance” was first popularized in 1982 by Jessie Bernard in her book, The Future of Marriage[iii]. This work created a lasting myth that women do not benefit from marriage.  Bernard argued that there are two marriages: his and hers. She tried to prove this by showing: that women were unpaid for their parenting and domestic responsibilities and as housewives were not as valued as men are for their work outside the home; that men, by controlling the finances had power over women in marriage; and that married men lived longer than single men. Bernard also claimed that married women, on the other hand, did not live longer than single gals. In her comparison studies, she also said that married men reported they were happier than single men but also that they were happier than married women.

And the list of the supposedly toxic effects of marriage continued. Bernard claimed that more women than men are unhappy in marriage, so unhappy that they are depressed and have poorer mental health than single women. In short, Bernard believed that marriage was a good deal for men and not so kind to women.

Well, a lot has changed since the 70s.  Marriage is no longer the hallowed institution it once was.  Greater numbers of unmarried couples are living together; the age at first marriage is higher; more women are participating in higher education; have better paying jobs and brighter career opportunities; and greater numbers of women are choosing to become single mothers, either through adoption or insemination with donor sperm. Women are more independent all the way around.  So they need marriage less.  And yet, despite all of these advances, many women still want to get married.

Let’s face it: we all would agree that nothing is worse than an abusive marriage and that for many women single life works just fine, thank you.  But I think it’s worth understanding if marriage really is a bad deal for women and what marriage can and can’t do for you.

So stay tuned for this Dating Advice for Women Series!

And don’t forget  to get  my FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely free! Just Click Here to get started now.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Dr. Diana Kirschner ♥ Relationship advice from my heart to yours ♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

[i] Contact author for references

[ii] E. Gilbert (2010). Committed: A Skeptic Makes Peace with Marriage,

[iii] J. Bernard (1982). The Future of Marriage.

Click here to watch the segment.

The survey said that 72% of these women have considered leaving their husbands.This result is not surprising to me. All marriages have their ups and downs. When you’re in a downtick, feeling disappointed, wounded, or angry, it is normal to think about leaving. It doesn’t mean you need to leave. Or that the marriage is over.

There are no perfect husbands. At least after the first 2-3 years! The crazy-in-love infatuation phase fades out after 2-3 years of marriage. Then comes disappointment and fighting—it is all part of marriage. When you feel like leaving, it is time to roll up your sleeves and work on the relationship, practice forgiveness, lovingly ask for what you need, go for a walk-and-talk, on a romantic date. Most importantly, reconnect.

Another interesting survey result is that 79% of these women want sex more often and 52% of them say they have NO sex life…or a dull one at best. Usually it’s the men who feel this way. But now it is less taboo for women to talk about sexual dissatisfaction in their marriage. These days men’s ED issues are plastered all over the television. There are commercials about couples ecstatically overcoming their sexual problems. And women feel they have the right to have a sexually satisfying marriage the way men did in the past.

Only 19% called their sex life satisfying. I believe this is because very often sex falls to the bottom of the To-Do list, after work, errands and especially kid’s activities—because these days families are super child-focused. The answer is to put sex at the top of the To-Do list. Set up a babysitter away from the house and have a romantic, sexy stay-at-home date. Flirt with your husband, imagine you are having an affair with him. Send him sexy text messages during the day.

Also, 41% of married couples say they don’t have a date night. This is alarming!! People do not understand how very important it is to spend time alone as a couple. All the research shows that couple alone time is one of the markers of a happy marriage. 80% of couples divorce because they have lost the sense of connection, the one-on-one friendship that underlies a good marriage.

Another interesting result, 46% of women say that their husbands have changed for the worse since marriage. This result stems in part from a natural process in marriage. As you get to know your partner, sometime the endearing things become the very things that bother you the most. He used to be interested in everything you do when you first met. It was adorable then. Now it’s smothering. The work of marriage it to learn how to lovingly ask for what you need and to help your spouse become a better partner for you while you become a better partner for him.

In spite of all the negativity, 71% of the women surveyed say they expect to be married to their spouses for the rest of their lives. I think this shows that women are very savvy and they know that by working to overcome or work around these problems, they can keep all the benefits and advantages that come with being married.

All love relationships are complex. They bring the highest highs and lowest lows. This is why love is such a fantastic crucible for growth.

Wishing you love,
Dr. Diana

Sign Up for my whole Dating e-Tips minicourse, free: