He’s Just Not That Into You, the bestseller-turned-movie starring Jennifer Aniston, debunks the obsessive thoughts single women have about hotties who sweep into and out of their lives. These include the endless excuses and stories they make up to justify their fantasies about unavailable men.  Women waste hours and hours thinking and dishing about how, “He’s on a deadline at work.” “He’s out of the country,” or, my personal favorite, “He’s really in the process of leaving his wife.” We all know that the reason he doesn’t call, text, or email is that he’s just not that into you.

The point is that a whole lot of time is spent on defensiveness, self-protection and daydreaming. And then, after all that wasted time fantasizing and making excuses, surprise, surprise–the dude finally manages to wriggle free and disappear from our lives.  Only then does the truth hit us, and often with a wave of heartbreak and pain.  Bottom line: love is no simple walk in the park.  Often it is hard to trust our instincts and judgment.

How do you know when to fish or cut bait?  Just how do you really tell if he is just not into you?  Or as I put it: How do you know how to stop wasting time on a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude)?

But before I help you answer these questions once and for all I want you to take advantage of my free ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to find and attract the One, get to a commitment and much more important information by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Now back to helping you determine if he’s really not into you. Take this simple quiz adapted from my bestseller, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

Give your boyfriend one point for each of these 16 characteristics:

1. Eager to see you
2. Reluctant to leave you
3. Wants regular consistent contact, asks for dates
4. Interested in you and your life
5. Wants to be helpful
6. Is verbally and physically affectionate
7. Wants to be romantic and sexual with you
8. Texts, emails or calls regularly
9. Acts like you are very special; doesn’t really want to date others
10. If you are dating other men–willing to hang in there
11. Becoming more attentive and loving over time
12. Becoming more open to sharing his feelings and thoughts
13. Becoming more open to sharing his living space
14. Becoming more open to sharing his social life with friends and family members.
15. Saying he loves you
16. Saying he wants a future with you

Please be really honest with yourself as you rate your guy. When in doubt, ask your closest friends to help you. If your man has a score of 4 or less, it probably indicates that he is just not that into you.  If he gets 5-10 points the dude may have possibilities.  Eleven (11) or more means he just may be the One.  Look for more of these qualities over time to make a clearer assessment.

If your guy has a low score, you do not need to cut him off right away. A simple way to protect yourself from the “he’s just not into you” deadly dating pattern is to also date two other guys by going on what I call the Dating Program of Three.  On this program, you do not have sex with any of the men (kissing and canoodling is OK!) in order to avoid the out-of-control infatuation that comes with getting too physically and emotionally involved too soon.  You let your main guy and the others know on the second date that you are dating others and “taking things slow.”  A guy who really is into you will stay the course and win you.

Bottom line: if you want to find the One, look for a man who provides regular and consistent contact that gets better over time. You should find yourself continually surprised at how he fills your needs to be chosen, appreciated, romanced and celebrated for who you are. Envision this kind of love and choose guys who are that into you. The Love in 90 Days book has the tools to help you make it all happen.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

The concept of the soul mate is thousands of years old and probably was originated by the Greek philosopher Plato. Plato described a soul mate as the person’s “other half” that has been split from him. The quest of life is to find your missing half. That theme has been explored in movies like “The Butcher’s Wife,” “The Time Traveler’s Wife,” and “City of Angels.” Other views of soul mates include reincarnation: our soul mate is someone with whom we have shared other lives.

The soul mate concept also carries with it the belief that a perfect person exists for us, if only we could find him or her — then love and life would be easy. This belief has created a lot of trouble for people, especially in the area of commitment. By insisting on finding a perfect partner, many people have walked away from really great potential partners. Why? Because something was missing. Maybe it was chemistry, or that he/she didn’t match their ideal of The One. So they’ve ended up alone, still looking for that perfect soul mate. The renowned family psychiatrist Frank Pittman once said, “Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate.”

Having been a psychologist for more than 25 years, and married to one guy for the same long stretch, I can tell you that there are no perfect partners out there. Not me. Not my husband. Not any of my many clients, friends, or family members. Lasting love is a hard-won battle of personal discipline, compromise, dedication, and commitment.

Scientists have found that scent plays a role in physical attraction and desire. Other research shows that those who are of similar educational levels are more compatible. While I don’t believe in The One perfect person idea, I do believe that there are better matches for us. And if we are with one of these people, we are more likely to have the experience of being with the one who is a soul mate (which I have had personally and can tell you, is a marvelous thing!).

But before we get to the 10 signs that he or she may be the one, I want you take advantage of my free ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to find and attract the one, deepen commitment and much more important information by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

The Ten Signs

So chances are, there is more than one person out there who fits the bill for you. All of them are less than perfect. But if there are no perfect partners, how can you know whether to stay or go? Here are 10 relationship markers to help you know if he or she is The One:

1. When you’re together you feel like you’ve come home.

2. You feel like your partnership was meant to be, as if kissed by destiny.

3. In your communication with each other there is a rapid “knowing” of what each of you means.

4. You have a shared mission in life, perhaps a cause, a career, or the creation of a family life.

5. When you’re together the world seems like a better place.

6. Your mood is elevated when you’re together. It’s not necessarily passion or excitement, although that’s there too at times.

7. When you look at him/her you see a part of yourself that’s been missing. Perhaps it’s her assertiveness or his joy of adventure. But it’s something that when added to your life, makes you feel more complete.

8. Being together makes you more hopeful about the future you are creating.

9. You can be more authentic and fully yourself around your partner.

10. Being together makes each of you work harder on overcoming bad habits and becoming more loving people.

Don’t worry if you don’t feel all 10 of these things when you’re with your partner. That’s where the imperfection comes in — either in you or your partner. If you are experiencing six or more of these markers, chances are you are matched well. Over time you can work towards having all of these qualities. Couples who have lasting love find that their relationships get closer and better over time. And that process has been my privilege and good fortune to experience personally — after a lot of hard work that continues to this day!

Bottom line: your chances of finding The One are better than you think. So go out there and start looking. Love almost always comes in a surprise package that opens up in marvelous and magical ways.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

It’s been a week since your dream date. You thought the night went well but still no word from him. Sound familiar? As the husband-wife duo behind an exclusive New York dating service, the authors of Why Hasn’t He Called? have seen it all and have shocking insights into what guys are really thinking—during your first date and beyond. Armed with advice that’s both brutally honest and empowering, buy this book and  you will:

• Learn the secrets of the boy’s club
• Dress to impress and unleash your sexy, confident inner “Bond Girl”
• Determine which men are confirmed bachelors and which men are serious about a relationship
• Know what never to say on a first date

Click here to order on Amazon now!

NEWS FLASH:  No matter how great any dating book is, and that includes mine, Love in 90 Days, nothing can compare with the power of love mentoring.  A real, live, wise person to help you on your dating and relationship journey.  In case you haven’t heard– I just started a highly personalized Love Mentor coaching service. Now you can have coaching from a trained Love Mentor who has used Love in 90 Days principles to get and stay happily married.  Each one has a long background in transformational work and is closely supervised by me.  Most importantly, each Mentor is gifted and can help you move forward to the love relationship you really want!

The best news is, right now, as we kick off the Love Mentor Coaching we can give you an introductory 40 minute one-on-one personalized session by phone or Skype for FREE.  No strings attached.  Just go to www.lovein90days.com/contact/ to contact me and get your own personal FREE session by phone or Skype asap, because the time slots are filling up very fast.

And don’t forget: You can learn EXACTLY how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!

Wishing you love,

Dr. D

Dr. Diana Kirschner

♥ Relationship advice from my heart to yours ♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

www.lovein90days.com

One of 16 Guys’ Dead-End Dating Patterns from the new chapter, Dating Games Men Play, in the paperback version of Love in 90 Days!

You meet him at yoga, at a retreat or through your spiritually-minded friends.  Sweet and sensitive—he is a dream-come-true: he looks deeply into your soul, giving you the best eye contact you’ve ever had.  He gets five stars for being cute, in great shape, listening, being very spiritual and possibly on your very own path.  Maybe he even teaches at the yoga studio you go to frequently.

Yes, he is soft, sensitive, conscious and gentle….too gentle.  Try as you might, there is never that masculine spark, that sexy-aggressive come-on, that cocky walk and talk that gets your pulse racing.  You have a serious crush and wait and wait in vain for it to happen.  But it never does.  Bottom line: this guy is more into his spiritual path than into dating.  And, while he is seductive and asks you to meet him for the latest in carrot juice drinks,  is studying that advanced meditation technique you love, and willing to give you the best Shiatsu massage you ever ever had, he is definitely not into you.

A variation of this theme which is very confusing is the guy who uses his spiritual platform to sleep around with as many women as possible. Usually he convinces you that he is not really interested in sex, but only what it can do for the two of you spiritually.  This type of New-Ager is actually a closet Player!

Jorga was a spiritual raw foodist who experienced a round of “dating” with a New Ager:

Ray-El was giving a lecture on green living at the local health food store. I couldn’t take my eyes off him—his face was so healthy and radiant!  There was this cleanness, this innocence about him that I fell in love with immediately.  I signed up for a lecture series he was giving and hung around with him after every meeting.  When he asked me to teach him how to go raw, I was thrilled—after all, my last boyfriend had broken up with me over the whole raw food thing!  Ray-El came over to my apartment. I made him my best feast, from uncooked soup to dessert nuts.  He told me he was studying tantric yoga—and I was a goner.  He was the gentlest lover ever and I was in heaven.  That is until I found out this was Ray-El’s standard M.O. with every woman under the age of 30 in our whole green community.

New Ager Warning Sign:  He is very spiritual and there is either no chemistry whatsoever or he’s in a hurry to explore Tantra and other sexual practices.

Degree of Difficulty: 7 (out of 10!) Ladies stop wasting your time unless he becomes “enlightened’ and decides to make room for a relationship!  Although he is super seductive and a real hottie, you are wasting your valuable time. 

Read more  about the other dating games men play and what to do about them in the bestselling paperback dating advice book, Love in 90 Days, on sale now!

Plus, you can learn the latest on EXACTLY how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!

Wishing you the greatest love,

Dr. Diana

Relationship advice from my heart to yours. ♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.