Have you and your partner been stuck in a rut lately? Is the passion and heat that was there before not happening today? Well you’re not alone. Most couples that have been together for awhile complain that things have changed, especially in the bedroom. Yet, researchers have studied tens of thousands of couples in long-term relationships who seem to have figured out the secret to keeping passion alive even after 30 years together.  So what’s their secret?

In my new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love, I describe seven of the best ways for couples to keep a relationship intimate and hot.  We can’t cover each of them in depth as I do in the book but here’s a quick look at these seven secrets. Healthy couples keep passion alive, kindling and rekindling their chemistry and fulfilling each other’s sexual needs regularly. Sharing a commitment to shared passion that gets progressively richer and sexier instead of devitalizing with time, they create novel and exciting ways to flirt with, romance, and bed each other. They treat each other as if they were having an affair, fulfilling each other sexually in new, more intimate, and satisfying ways over time. Part of cultivating passion is having little rituals, signals, and signs that set the stage for sex, dates, and romance. They may routinely say silly endearing things to each other that signify their special bond and connection.

Here are seven steps you can take to develop the habit of cultivating passion in your relationship:

1. Spend time alone as a couple (no friends, no kids, no texting).
2. Know each other’s daily routines and habits.
3. Take turns having formal ten-minute listening sessions where one of you talks while the other listens with full attention, like a validating therapist.
4. Share hugs, kisses, and affection in ways both of you enjoy.
5. Start a sweet bedtime or greeting ritual with silly or endearing phrases or nicknames.
6. Create win–win sexual fulfillment. Check out my two blogs on four different categories of sexual play that passionate couples enjoy: novelty, sexual trance, partner engagement, and role play. Practice these techniques regularly. You and your partner will both thank me.
7. Act like you are having an affair with each other.

Build the Habit of Cultivating Passion

Read over the seven steps. They are the blueprint for developing the habit of cultivating passion in your relationship. Take out your calendar for the next month. Make notes on which of these steps you would like to focus and work on, indicating the day and time for each. You can do this with your Beloved, or solo if he is not yet on board. He will be!

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter 

In my new book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love I describe Seven Natural Laws of Attraction. These are seven keys that underlie attraction in couples and keep passion and romance alive for many, many years. One of those seven Laws is this:

Decide that you are having an ongoing affair with your Beloved.

You’re wondering, what am I talking about? Well, if you want to set the stage for a win–win sexual relationship that is relatively cheating-proof, you must be creative and in a sense “the other woman.” You know, the one he’s having the affair with. Think it sounds crazy? Based on many years of experience with clients, students, and mentees, I know that practicing having an affair with him can lead to years of passion if he truly is the One. In order to conduct an ongoing affair with your man, practice physical touch, flirting, and sex play. In this excerpt we’ll only look at physical touch.

Acting like you are having an affair is a powerful relationship enhancer no matter how long you have been together. Here is the key principle:

Ask yourself: What would I be doing or saying if right now if we were having an affair? Then go for it!

What’s interesting about having an affair is that the partners are not automatically available to do the deed. The lingering touch, the sweet nibble on the ear, the deep French kiss may or may not go any farther. There is a playful novelty and uncertainty that drive up dopamine, the falling-in-love brain chemical that is synonymous with anticipation, excitement, and focus on the Beloved. Infatuation sizzles.

Make Physical Contact

Sex begins with physical contact. In fact, couples with great sex lives often are the ones you see holding hands and touching in public. As we’ve discussed, physical nonsexual contact creates oxytocin, the cuddle, bonding, and trust hormone. In order to amplify this even more, if he is receptive, hold hands, kiss, or stroke his face. His hands, lips, and face are all highly touch-sensitive areas! Gazing into his eyes also releases oxytocin and is an extremely powerful bonding move. In one study, strangers shared intimate details about themselves and then stared into each other’s eye for four minutes. Many reported being extremely attracted to each other. One couple in the study actually got married!

Trace the outline of his bicep with your finger or give him a mini massage on his neck and shoulders. Find out what kind of touch he enjoys: stronger, softer, or in between. You both will feel great as the oxytocin works its magic.

On the other hand, many men don’t like to be touched unless it’s on the playing field (why do they slap each other’s butts?) or in the sack. Yet they crave contact with us. And it’s often communicated in a strange way. Here’s a brief excerpt from an actual therapy session with a couple where the touching-versus-not-touching issue was threatening to destroy the relationship.

She: Greg never touches me unless it’s sexual.

He: I’m not a touchy-feely guy, but I love to be with you.

She: You sure have a funny way of showing it.

He: Doc, we were watching a TV show last night and were sitting together on the couch.

She: Tell her how you started a fight.

He: Well, it was nice and cozy and then Ellen left the room and just disappeared.

She: It didn’t seem to matter whether I was there or not. You weren’t paying me any attention.

He: What, are you kidding? I was really upset that you left.

        Okay. What is this man saying that she missed? Translation: I want to be in your space, your presence, because it feels like home. Now, obviously he needed to demonstrate more physical affection, but that was easy to achieve once Ellen got how much Greg loved being around her. She learned to be specific about the kind of touch she needed from Greg. The key is to ask for it in a positive and validating way, as in “I really love it when you [put your arm around me, play with my hair while I lie in your lap, rub my back—fill in the blank].” So from that day on when they watched their favorite shows or movies, she would curl up on him and he would touch her till she was purring. They even had more fun in bed.

    To learn more about the Natural Laws of Attraction, be sure to order Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” (February, 2011) as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter

The census data tells us that only 1% of all marriages in 2008 were cougar marriages, that is, between a woman who was 10-14 years older than her husband—while only 2.6%  of the brides were 6 to 9 years older.  But even though these weddings are rare, the concept of the “the cougar,” an older woman who dates or marries a younger guy, is creating new possibilities in dating. In this Demi-Ashton era, many 40+ women have happily broadened their matches to include younger men.

But according to a survey of 100 self-proclaimed cougars the rules have changed.  The old stereotype of the man-eater woman, a la Stifler’s mom from ‘American Pie,’ no longer applies.  These days it is not about a sugar mama having a no-strings-attached fling. It’s about finding a new form of true love.

More than 90% of these modern cougars say they want a long-term relationship with a younger man. They expect the guy to pay his way—to cover dinner or split the check.  These women want  the full experience of dating someone who is romantic, chivalrous and, best of all,  relatively free of the emotional baggage of past relationships.  52% of the cougars in the study were in their 40s and their ideal guy is aged 24-27.  45% were ‘lifestyle cougars’ who have dated more than five younger men.

Over-40 women don’t mind being called “cougars” but they are redefining the definition of cougar dating.  They know what they want in relationships and are opening doors to new possibilities for themselves.  For more on the cougar survey, go to http://www.cougared.com/report

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter

Are you a woman who has obsessive thoughts about hotties who sweep into and out of your life? Well, you are not alone.  It’s amazing how many of my readers and love mentees go to excruciating lengths making up excuses and stories to justify their fantasies about unavailable men.  They waste hours and hours thinking and dishing about how, “He’s on a deadline at work.” “He’s out of the country,” or, my personal favorite, “He’s really in the process of leaving his wife.”  Of course, none of the stories are the reason he doesn’t call, text, or email. The real reason is: he’s just not that into you.

The point is that a whole lot of time is spent on defensiveness, self-protection and daydreaming. And then, after all that wasted time fantasizing and making excuses, surprise, surprise–the dude finally manages to wriggle free and disappear from our lives.  Only then does the truth hit us, and often with a wave of heartbreak and pain.  Bottom line: love is no simple walk in the park.  Often it is hard to trust our instincts and judgment.

How do you know when to fish or cut bait?  Just how do you really tell if he is just not into you?  Or as I put it: How do you know how to stop wasting time on a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude)?

To help you answer these questions, take this simple quiz adapted from my book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.  Give your boyfriend one point for each of these 13 characteristics:

1. Eager to see you and reluctant to leave
2. Wants regular consistent contact, asks for dates
3. Interested in you and your life
4. Wants to be helpful
5. Is verbally and physically affectionate
6. Wants to be romantic and sexual with you
7. Texts, emails or calls regularly
8. Acts like you are very special; doesn’t really want to date others
9. If you are dating other men–willing to hang in there
10. Becoming more attentive and loving over time
11. Becoming more open to sharing his feelings and thoughts
12. Becoming more open to sharing his living space
13. Becoming more open to sharing his social life with friends and family members.

Please be really honest with yourself as you rate your guy. When in doubt, ask your closest friends to help you. If your man has a score of 4 or less, it probably indicates that he is just not that into you.  If he gets 5-10 points the dude may have possibilities.  Eleven (11) or more means he just may be the One.  Look for more of these qualities over time to make a clearer assessment.

If your guy has a low score, you do not need to cut him off right away. A simple way to protect yourself from the “he’s just not into you” deadly dating pattern is to also date two other guys by going on what I call the Dating Program of Three.  On this program, you do not have sex with any of the men (kissing and canoodling is OK!) in order to avoid the out-of-control infatuation that comes with getting too physically and emotionally involved too soon.  You let your main guy and the others know on the second date that you are dating others and “taking things slow.”  A guy who really is into you will stay the course and win you.
Bottom line: if you want to find the One, look for a man who provides regular and consistent contact that gets better over time. You should find yourself continually surprised at how he fills your needs to be chosen, appreciated, romanced and celebrated for who you are. Envision this kind of love and choose guys who are that into you.

And to help it happen for you be sure to take advantage of my FREE ongoing support. You can learn exactly how to tell the DUDs from the STUDs, learn how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Just Click Here to get started now!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

“All happy families resemble one another. Each unhappy family is unique in its grief.”
~Tolstoy, Anna Karenina

Personal excellence in your love relationship is not achieved by reading couples selfhelp books or dumping the problem partner you’re with and going on to the next grass-is-greener pasture to find the One. It can only be achieved the hard way, through daily, weekly and monthly practice of four key strategies that keep love alive and thriving.

How do I know this? I’ve been married to the same man for over 25 years. Happily married. We’ve weathered one of our families disowning us and refusing to even meet our baby girl because one of us is Jewish while the other is Italian; the devastating death of a child; a life-threatening illness; stormy fights; and the deadly boring stretches when we seemed to have nothing in common.

But today we’re stronger, more in love and sexier than ever together.

These days marriages are dying out faster and faster. The average marriage is now under seven years. Yet research shows that married people are healthier, wealthier and happier. In fact, marital happiness contributes far more to personal happiness than any other factor, including work and friendship satisfaction. Bottom line: if you want personal excellence in your life it is critical to create, nurture and sustain a committed loving relationship.

Like a crusader, I’ve dedicated the last 20+ years of my life to finding the holy grail of love. Armed with an M.A. and a Ph.D. in psychology, I realized success leaves secrets. This is why I went on my own personal journey of demystifying the elusive mystery of finding real and ever-lasting love. While on this journey I studied happy couples (hard to find, but I did) and apprenticed with mentors, other psychologists and self-help gurus so I could find the secret dynamics that make love work. And in the end I was able to distill out four key practices that are crucial in keeping love alive.

These are the practices I’ve used in my own lab, my marriage, that have allowed my husband, Sam, and I to weather the family upsets, disappointments, setbacks, losses and other slings and arrows that most couples face. I’ve also used these powerful practices to help thousands of other couples create love that lasts.

The four keys to happily-ever-after are: 1) Spending Time Alone as A Couple; 2) Holding Listening Sessions; 3) Planning for Sex; and, 4) Resolving Conflict.

1) Spending Time Alone As A Couple
Research shows that couples who report the highest level of satisfactions spend the most amount of time alone together. This means no kids, no friends, no family, no attention-grabbing pets: just the two of you.

Sam and I were juggling private practices and running a therapy center in the early years of our marriage. Needless to say, at the end of the day we were ready to fall into bed and it sure wasn’t for sex! Weekends were spent zooming around on errands and the kids’ play dates and activities. But we knew the dangers of continuing on this path.

What Saved Us
We permanently set aside Alone Time twice a week for us, once during the day and once at night. We hired a permanent babysitter and back-up for those times. And for an unbroken string of years, we have kept that time sacred, no matter what. It’s been the bedrock that holds us together as best friends.

2) Holding Listening Sessions
Research shows that effective communication is a common trait of healthy couples. And at the heart of effective communication is the ability to listen to your partner without judgment. When Sam and I met we were psych grad students, rivals for the same stipends and awards. We were young know-it-alls for whom listening was a foreign ritual. This meant we were drifting farther and farther apart.

What Saved Us
We scheduled FORMAL Ten Minute Listening Sessions with each other every other day. In these sessions, one person gets to talk, free associate, say whatever is on their minds while the other SIMPLY LISTENS with full attention. The listener does not speak. No matter what, we used a clock and honored a full ten minute session.

Anything that was said in that time was sacred and could not be brought up during an argument!

Sam and I still use these sessions to get to know each other all over again.

Mind reading doesn’t work. You never really know your partner’s world until you listen.

3) Planning for Sex
Sex releases oxytocin, which is the cuddle or bonding hormone. This is the powerful hormone that triggers the nurturing instinct toward newborns. Sex also creates a shared endorphin release—so that the partners associate feeling good with each other. On the other hand, infidelity is the biggest love buster. So having regular sex is a good thing.

After we had kids, Sam and I made the same ridiculous choices that other young couples make, such as going to the Home Depot, Wal-Mart or Toys R Us instead of making love. We rushed around until we had finally checked off our entire to-do list, except for the last item. The most important activity of all. Then we wondered why we didn’t feel connected with each other.

What Saved Us
We set aside time when sex was moved all the way up on the to-do list, to number one. We made one of our weekly dates into a Regular Sexy Encounter where we played with toys, lingerie and videos, all in the context of having an affair–with each other. To get going on this path I would ask myself, “Would you be wearing this ratty bathrobe if you were meeting your new lover? What would you be doing or saying?” And Sam would do the same. If one of us wasn’t in the mood, he or she would start to fool around anyway. And sure enough, the mood turned around and heated up.

Couples expect spontaneous great sex to happen like in the movies. But after a couple has been together awhile great sex takes planning. Then the spontaneity happens. It’s like going to an amusement park. You need to buy the tickets, do a mapquest and clear your schedules; then you ride the roller coaster.

4) Conflict Resolution
The latest marital research shows that happy couples relate to each other with a golden five-to-one rule. That is, they have five positive, loving exchanges for every critical or negative one. On the other hand, marriages with high degrees of conflict, with lots of contempt, criticism, defensiveness and the silent treatment are unhappy and very likely to fail.

I noticed that just like the other couples I was counseling Sam and I followed the five-to- one rule all right. But mostly in reverse. In fact, we got so mean to each other that we were riding what love researcher, Dr. John Gottman, calls a horseman of the Apocalypse. In other words, we were doomed.

What Saved Us
We realized that everyone screws up and says stupid things, especially to their partners. People get tired and snappy, irritable and defensive. They can be downright insulting. Everybody can.

But we wanted to stop our negative moments from exploding into World War III. We both knew that the World War III scenario was killing off our marriage. So we used a signal with each other to transform an incendiary exchange that was heading into battle into one that drew us together.

We realized that reality is, in a sense, like a ‘movie’ we are making all the time. If you want to make a great romance, you need to practice ‘rewinding the tape’ when you don’t like ‘the take.’ We agreed that either of us could call out “Take Two” whenever he/she was hurt or offended by an interaction. Then we would start the interaction all over again and construct it in a more loving win-win way—as a happy improv. If Sam had trouble saying the words I needed to hear on a Take Two, I would teach him and vice versa. This technique has saved us many many times!

The last time Sam and I were on a plane together we started snapping at each other and then we did a Take Two. I wound up sitting on his lap telling him a joke. The stewardess asked us how long we had been going out together! She was shocked when we answered, “Over 25 years!”

So there you have it: four magic practices that deliver excellence in your love relationship. If we can do it, so can you.

P.S. You can use these practices even if your partner won’t cooperate. On your own you can find a few minutes of couple time when you can be a good listener; act like you’re having an affair with your partner; or change your mean-spirited words into loving ones. If you do this consistently, 99% of the time your partner will join in and your love will thrive.

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.