None of us comes into the world with the requisite knowledge and skills to achieve the goals, hopes and dreams that we will set for ourselves in life. Our first mentors and coaches are our own parents and family. After this comes a wave of people from neighbors, ministers and friends to coaches, teachers and mentors. All of these folks can potentially reach us at the deepest levels and profoundly affect the way we look at, understand and proceed with life as time goes forward. We are born with the need and wired to accept certain inputs for us to grow and achieve our hopes, dreams and goals. It is almost universal in humans to wish to meet people who will make us be what we wish to become; someone who will make us do our best and become the best version of ourselves.

A coach or mentor can significantly increase our chances of realizing our goals in virtually every aspect of life. Studies show that without a coach or mentor that, in general, we have 10% of the chance of succeeding and reaching our goals as does someone who has a coach or mentor to help them achieve their goals. Mentors and coaches are available to help us with: 1) money (Do you have a financial adviser?),  2) Fitness (Do you have a trainer?),  3) Career (Do you have a mentor at work or a career coach?),  4) Spirituality ( Do you have a priest, minister, rabbi or other teacher?),  5) Hobbies (Do you have a teacher or mentor?),  6) Nutrition ( Do you have a nutritionist?) and 7) Love and Relationships ( Do you have a mentor?). The list goes on and on.

We live in such a complex world that it is difficult to acquire all the skills and understanding necessary to succeed without proper help and guidance from someone who knows more in a given area than we do. In the middle ages, young people were taken into a guild where a master craftsman would teach and develop the skills, knowledge and habits that would lead to success. In our more complicated world we must do a similar thing and seek out those who know more about something to give us the correct inputs to realize our hopes, dreams and goals. As a species, we are designed to grow in the context of a relationship. A coaching or mentoring relationship can provide us with the inputs we require to progress.

Before we share the three specific inputs that truly great mentors give us I wanted to share some great news. We have kicked off a Love Mentoring Coaching service and we can give you an introductory 40 minute one-on-one personalized session by phone or Skype for FREE.  No strings attached.  Just Click On www.lovein90days.com/contact/ to contact me and get your own personal FREE session by phone or Skype asap, because the time slots are filling up very fast.

Now back to love mentoring and how it makes such a huge difference in our lives. People in general are more likely to repeat than they are to change. This is true regardless of age, gender, ethnicity, etc. If we have been doing the same thing about a problem for the last five years, we are most likely to address that same problem the same way in five years from now. This is true even if the approach to the problem has failed over and over again. Pride and stubbornness along with fear and lack of knowledge can work together inside of us to sabotage success; thus the saying, “Old Habits die hard.” With enough repetitions of failure, many of us give up hope and stop trying to achieve our goals. This is where the role of a coach or mentor becomes necessary.

A good coach or mentor brings to the relationship with a mentee the kind of inputs we are wired to receive to move through our failures to find success. There are three basic inputs a mentor or coach brings to the equation: 1) Limit setting or discipline, 2) Nurturance or support and 3) Programming, teaching or information. These are the same inputs we are wired to look for from our parents initially. A coach or mentor provides a kind of specialized parenting focused in a particular area.

Limit setting is a key input in the learning and growth process. So many of us do things which actually make failure and lack of achievement a high probability. A good mentor will know which behaviors and actions are contributing to failure and knows how to decrease or stop those negative actions. This calls to mind the popular quote from Albert Einstein that, “ Craziness is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.” For those of us who recall the song, “Hard Headed Woman” by Cat Stevens, the following quote equally applies to limit setting, “ I’m looking for a hard-headed woman, one who’ll make me do my best.”

The need for nurturance and support for we humans is universal. Without basic love from our parents, we fail to thrive. In the areas of growth and goal achievement nurturance provides a certain kind of energy that embodies a belief before the fact that someone can reach a reasonable goal. We move ahead in part because those things we have not achieved are frightening for us. Nurturance and reassurance are the cure for fears of this kind. We respond to nurturance the same way that plants respond to sunlight; they orient towards the source of it. A coach or mentor who is able to provide discipline and nurturance has a better chance of succeeding with his or her mentees than one who is unable to provide both.

The third and last input of a good coach or mentor is to be able to provide knowledge and information about how to go about achieving a goal. If someone has relatively little or no knowledge about fitness he or she will not be a good trainer no matter how good he or she is at limit setting and support. Information or programming helps to rewire the brain, creating new synaptic connections allowing for us to better achieve our goal. Synapses in the brain are formed by repeatedly responding to new information. If we have as a goal becoming a better chess player, with information and practice over time we will be better in five years at chess than we are now.  The physical formation of synaptic connections in the brain help us to recognize patterns and improve our efficiency at dealing with problems. As an example, watch any teenager learning to beat a new video game. The exact same thing occurs in our physical brains when we are acquiring new knowledge to increase our chances of achieving our goals. Having a good coach or mentor who can provide all three inputs not only creates the possibility but greatly enhances the probability that we will live our hopes, dreams and goals.  Especially in the challenging arena that love provides. ~Jim Delpino

Thank you to Jim for his wise words!!!  Jim is one of our most gifted Love Mentors.  In case you haven’t heard– I just started a highly personalized Love Mentor coaching service. Now you can have coaching from a trained Love Mentor like Jim, who has used Love in 90 Days principles to get and stay happily married.  Each one has a long background in transformational work and is closely supervised by me.  Most importantly, each Mentor is gifted and can help you move forward to the love relationship you really want!

The best news is, right now, as we kick off the Love Mentor Coaching we can give you an introductory 40 minute one-on-one personalized session by phone or Skype for FREE.  No strings attached.  Just Click On www.lovein90days.com/contact/ to contact me and get your own personal FREE session by phone or Skype asap, because the time slots are filling up very fast.

And don’t forget to get FREE ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to Find,  Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D.

♥ Relationship advice from my heart to yours ♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

“Dear Dr. Diana,

Well, I’ve done it again. Fell for the wrong guy. Couldn’t see the signs but the truth is what are the signs of a man who wants to get married? Could you please tell me what to look for?”  Susan in Omaha

Susan, I’ve got good news for you and for the many others who ask the same questions.  Over the past few years, researchers have looked closely at the types of men who are more likely to be interested in a long-term relationship or marriage and those who are likely to be commitment-phobes or players.  And guess what?  There are tell-tale signs that you can use to guide you to the STUDs.

Rutgers University and The National Marriage Project conducted a national study that showed that married men were more likely than single men to have grown up with both biological parents.  Almost half of the married men reported going to religious services several times a month, while less than one quarter of the unmarried men did.  When the researchers sorted out the “Marrying Kind” of single men, they found a similar difference:  those who came from traditional backgrounds in intact families and those who attended religious services regularly each month were more likely to agree with the following statement: “You’d be ready to marry tomorrow if the right person came along.”  Also, a Gallup poll showed that the vast majority of these men are seeking a “soul-mate” who will fulfill their emotional, sexual and spiritual desires and will also share breadwinning responsibilities.

Before I share the seven key differences between avoiders and the marrying kind of men I want you take advantage of my free ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to find and attract the One, deepen commitment, create a lasting love relationship and much much more by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Now back to the key research findings. The study cited seven significant differences between the ‘marrying kind’ and the non-marrying kind.  Marriage avoiders were more likely to:

• distrust women to tell the truth about prior relationships 
• worry more about the risks of divorce 
• say they did not want children 
• believed that singles have better sex lives than marrieds 
• agree to the statement that “there are so many bad marriages today it makes one question the value of marriage.”
• say that at this stage of life they just wanted to have fun
• express the concern that, “If you marry, your biggest concern would be losing your personal freedom.”

Ladies, there are some important clues here. 

 Obviously, there are wonderful, available guys who don’t fit the complete profile of the ‘marrying kind.’  Nevertheless, the research is convincing that good parental role models and a spiritual or religious background help in molding guys who are more serious about commitment. If marriage is your goal, you may want to watch early on for info and clues about a guy’s upbringing; eagerness for marriage; spiritual or religious activities; general distrust of women; and his fears about losing personal freedom. Don’t waste your time on the ‘non-marrying kind’; they will only break your heart. 

 Be discerning and find out what any serious partner is offering you.  Remember that you deserve a loving commitment.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

In Part I we looked at the best way that I know of to meet the One: the Program of Three.  This dating method is challenging, but it’s truly empowering. It allows you to be long-sighted and keep your eye on the prize: a lasting fulfilling relationship that’s just right for you. It helps you break through your Deadly Dating Patterns, frees you from the “three-date rule,” and keeps you protected from all the scenarios designed to break your heart. Of course, there are definitely obstacles to creating a Program of Three, but I’ve helped thousands of women do this already, and you’re no different. You can do it, too! And this article will show you how.

I can hear you already. “Dr. Diana,” you might be thinking, “I’m still trying to find ONE man to date. How can I find three?” First of all, listen up, ladies: there are more than 41 million single men just in the U.S. right now and different ones are coming on the market all the time! And every year, there are new online dating sites that bring in whole new crops to choose from. There are men out there. No matter what your age, weight or “problem” is.
What if you have special challenges because you are African-American…over 45…a single mom… or so highly successful you scare men away? In my book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love I devote an entire chapter to these groups. In it, you’ll find the latest research that dispels many of the urban legends that we have about finding a lasting love relationship.

In fact, almost every student I ever had who was willing to consistently work the principles, no matter what her challenges or deadly dating patterns were, has been able to create a successful Dating Program of Three.  And to help you on your journey, I want you take advantage of my free ongoing support.  You can learn EXACTLY how to find and attract the one, deepen commitment and much much more by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

It’s not as hard as it seems. Drew, a 42-year old single executive with weight issues, was the highest bidder at a charity auction where a mentoring session with me over lunch was the prize. Here’s what she emailed me about a year later:

I particularly thought the point of ‘dating three guys at once’ was amusing at first, but then you know…. it worked. Even though at times I knew some guy wasn’t going to be the love of my life, it was still a diversion from getting involved with another guy too fast before I knew it was the right thing. I think this is the best advice ever and have passed it on to several of my friends. Last summer, I joined a large online dating site and ended up meeting a really nice guy, although at first not necessarily what I thought I was looking for. We get along great, have tons in common, and it’s by far the most mature and healthy relationship I think I have ever been in. We got engaged this past October while on vacation in Florence. He proposed in front of the Fountain of Neptune in the Piazza della Signoria. We are planning a wedding for next June on Martha’s Vineyard.

When you begin dating three men at once, you’re shifting the balance of power to be more equitable. Starting now, take a stand for yourself, a stand that says you deserve a great partner. Take your time, learn what is possible in a relationship, and start playing an active role in choosing who you’re with. Don’t wait to be chosen. Now, with all the online and offline possibilities you have an abundance of men at arm’s reach, you have the ability to pick and choose for yourself.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

When it comes to dating, the Bard got it right. Moderation is key. It keeps you from moving too quickly or too slowly when you’re getting to know new men and what they bring to your table. And the most powerful way to achieve moderation is by using the Dating Program of Three.

The Program of Three is exactly the opposite of the urban legend “three-date rule,” which dictates that you must decide by the third date if a guy is the potentially the One and have sex or lose him forever. On this dating program, you avoid that pressured decision and its aftermath: a Flame Out that usually kills the relationship. Instead you date three men at the same time without having sex with any of them. By not seeing any one man too often, you find the men who are really into you and who will stay the course. Plus, you break out of your prison of deadly dating patterns and maneuver more skillfully in the dating world. By following this program, you build your self-esteem and find men that are much more fulfilling.

Although the idea of finding, much less juggling, three guys may sound challenging — if not downright impossible! — let me reassure you: it won’t be once you begin using all the tools you’ll learn in my book, Love in 90 Days.  And while you are going through the program I want you take advantage of my free ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to find and attract the one, deepen commitment and much much more by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

Why It Works

There are three sound biological reasons why the Dating Program of Three rocks!
First of all, it helps you avoid the number one mistake that single women make: the addictive moth-to-a-flame over-involvement with some new guy who is supposedly the “One,” which I call the Flame-Out Deadly Dating Pattern. As Helen Fisher, the renowned anthropologist, describes in her fascinating book, Why We Love, romantic love is a real addiction. It is like shooting up cocaine or heroin, which means reason often goes out the window. When we “fall in love” our brains make large quantities of dopamine and norepinephrine, which also happens when you take speed! These brain chemicals create the excited, exhilarated and focused state that allows us to have eight-hour dates and remember every detail about what our new hottie did and said. These speed-like chemicals also can drive up our levels of testosterone, which increases sexual desire.
Second, when we fall in love, serotonin levels fall and resemble the levels found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. So we tend to ruminate, fantasize and obsess about our new (drug-like) boyfriends. The new love is in our thoughts all day and in our dreams at night. Your brain says, focus on him, focus on him, focus on him.

Once this process takes you over, you become like a craving coke addict. You lose touch with reality, seeing only the positives. You lose self-control. Instead you are locked on the target, the fix—hotwired and ready to do outrageous things, sometimes self-destructive things, whatever it takes to be with him. One look, one sweet word is all it takes. Even if you don’t really know him. Even if it is not in your best interests. And as you continue to spend more time together the addiction intensifies.

If you move too quickly into the pulsing rush of love, you put yourself at risk for an agonizing withdrawal if this man rejects you. Then sleeplessness, crying jags, over- or under eating, obsessive and upsetting thoughts, all mess with your brain chemistry even further.

The Dating Program of Three safeguards you against all these dangers of love addiction. On this program you will see the new hottie less often and have a measured coming together. You will be less likely to lock on to him with a singular focus that puts you at risk. In this way you elegantly avoid getting physiologically and emotionally devastated if it turns out that he is a player or all wrong for you.

Last but not least, the Program of Three also stops you from having sex prematurely. Why is this so important? Simple biology. When you have sex with someone, your body drives up the levels of oxytocin both during the whole sexual act and after you leave the scene. Oxytocin, which has been called the cuddle, bonding, or tend-and-befriend hormone, creates a strong biological attachment. This means that your body may automatically start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed, whether or not you want to be in a relationship with him! Add that chemical to any dopamine surges and you’re desperately waiting for his text, email or phone call. Jumping into bed too soon means you open yourself to premature infatuation, dependency and a kind of pseudo-intimacy that almost always backfires. Then, caught in the chemical soup of dopamine and oxytocin, you will likely lose yourself.

Dating three guys helps clarify what you want and need in a man, because you can easily and instantly compare and contrast. So for example, when Friday rolls around and ‘Sean’ is cheap and miserly, Saturday’s date with ‘Randy’ will more clearly showcase his giving nature. When you come from abundance in the land of men, you can give yourself many possibilities rather than just one. Don’t miss Part II of this article in which I show you how to work the Program.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

    So before we get to these flirting tips I want you take advantage of my free ongoing support: You can learn EXACTLY how to find,attract and date great guys, find the One, deepen commitment and much much more by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE!  Click Here to get started now.

     Now here are eight dating tips to bring a shy guy out of his shell:

 1.      See him when he is in his element.

If he plays sports, go watch.  Be there as he finishes a marathon. If he is giving a talk, try to arrange to be in the audience.  When a shy guy is in his element he will be at the height of his charisma and at a high point of self-confidence.  Bottom line: he will be feeling very good about himself.  And this means he will feel empowered to make a move on you if he is really interested.

2.      Compliment him.

Notice something about him or what he is doing that you really like and praise it with a specific and sincere compliment. For example, That blog you wrote about going to Sicily was hysterically funny and made me want to go!   This builds his self-esteem and will tend to get him to talk more about the topic.  And it may even get him to show off a bit for you.    

3.      Say his name a lot; give him a complimentary nickname.

This indicates that you are noticing him and that he is important to you.  He will bond more quickly with you when you use his name.  Also, choose a complimentary nickname based on one of his qualities that you admire.  For example, if he is into cycling, call him “Lance A.”  This will get him to laugh and open up with you about his cycling experiences.

4.      Ask open-ended questions.

Good examples are, “How did you get interested in (your job)?”  “What brought you to live in the city?”  “How do you manage to train for a triathlon when you work full-time?” These kinds of questions will help a shy guy open up and talk about himself.  And this will lead to him feeling known and being comfortable with you.

5.      Ask for help with something.

Men love to help women.  They are biologically wired that way!  Ask him to fix your computer, your car, your bike, your door—you name it.  He will enjoy coming through for you and feel much more connected to you.  Ask him questions about what he is doing—this will get him talking more. When he is in the “helper” role he is much more likely to share with you.

6.      Ask what he likes to eat or what sports, hobbies, or movies he likes.  Once you find something in common, ask him if he’d like to do it some time.

Shy guys can be very interested in you, but petrified to make the first move.  It is very easy to open the door to a common interest by asking about food, hobbies or other fun activities.  When you hit on something you both love, you will instantly become more bonded.  It is easy, then to make the first move and ask about doing the activity together.  This is a good litmus test that will show if he is interested or not.  When you are opening the door that much, if he does not respond and make the date, chances are he is not into you.

7.      When leaving, say you’d like to see him again.

This is an easy, non-threatening way to show that you are interested in him.  If he responds positively, by smiling, nodding or saying “yes” he may be feeling some attraction to you.  At that point, make sure he has your contact information!

8. Give Him a Mini-Massage

If you’ve spent some time together, make physical contact with him. Being physical releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone so he may feel closer and start responding to you immediately.  A mini-massage also relaxes him so that he is less up-tight and fearful.  In addition, making physical contact often opens the door to him making an affectionate gesture towards you later on—where he holds your hand, puts his arm around you or kisses you.

    So practice some or all of these flirting tips and you’ll be an expert at bringing out the best in guys.

Wishing you love

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.