Summer’s fading away can lead to a dip in your mood.  When it turns cloudy and the air is cooler it may be a bit of a let down when you realize that winter and the holidays are just ahead.   But there is also good news when the weather turns. And I don’t just mean the amazing foliage, crunchy apples and fresh pumpkin pie.  In my experience, it’s easier to find love in the Fall!  There are three reasons for this. First, singles, like all of us, raised in the rhythm of a school calendar, are conditioned to buy new wardrobes and give themselves a mini-makeover in the fall—so they feel more attractive and ready to go for it.  Second, for around the first 20 years of our lives, including preschool and college, we are encouraged by our families to socialize in autumn as we enter a new grade with new peers. This form of conditioning tends to shape our behavior even when formal schooling ends.

Finally, the fall is a signal that the holidays are coming up and nothing can be more depressing than facing another round of holidays alone. This realization mobilizes singles to roll up their sleeves and work more proactively on their dating, so there’s more love to go around. In fact, two studies have shown that dating in the fall can lead to increased romantic involvements later in the year.

Fall also provides an influx of new students for graduate school and college dating. Being in a new dorm or school often creates loneliness and social anxiety and increases the need to form a love attachment in order to feel secure. But for you students going back to school, and especially those leaving home for college, don’t commit the single biggest mistake singles make: hooking up and coupling too soon. Play the field and don’t get boxed into a committed relationship before you have a chance to learn more about yourself.

So, no matter what your age, Fall is a great time to network. The secret to falling back to real love is to take advantage of all the new connections by networking and meeting as many people as possible. My Dating Program of Three is a powerful strategy that has you date three people casually with no sex and is your ticket to a real relationship. Meet as many people as possible: use the Autumn dating advantage!

You can learn much more about this topic and how to create love that is just right for you in my best-selling dating advice book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Dating Advice for Women

‘Rachel,’ one of the awesome women in our Love Mentoring® program is rockin’ it on her journey to creating an extraordinary love relationship.  How?  She took on one of the most powerful and yet most challenging exercises in the dating advice book, Love in 90 Days, the “Loveless Eulogy”.  In this writing exercise you fast forward to a vision of the life that your deadly dating patterns, fear and self sabotage have laid out for you—a loveless life.  And you write your own eulogy.  

So you can then decide if this is the reality you want to live into.

I wanted to share Rachel’s journaling with you (with her permission, of course!) in this dating advice for women series. 

Writing Exercise #1: Rachel died today and it is with sadness that I say… that she was happiest when she was coupled happily and I believe that to be true, for she was unbearably romantic. The problem came when she began to develop intimacy with another; she found reasons why the relationship, deep down, would not last. Sometimes she told herself that it was her partner who did not quite measure up to her expectations, or was flawed in certain ways. Other times it was when her partner unknowingly and unintentionally did something to hurt her. She would allow that pain to penetrate to her deepest pain center and there it would sit and fester—the old wound opened anew that she never allowed to heal

As much as she outwardly proclaimed her love optimism, inwardly, she was the consummate pessimist, she would bristle when confronted with this possibility, and intellectually would qualify her pessimism being more akin to realism or at the very least, wise skepticism.  This conflict of head and heart was terribly confusing to her friends, her partners, and mostly to herself. Yet, it was simply too difficult for her to change. Her indelible conclusion was that if she truly gave her heart, it ultimately would not be wanted by the one she offered it to. And so, instead of having faith in love and holding hope in the face of set-backs and disappointments, she allowed those set-backs and disappointments to erect an impenetrable wall around her heart. She became lost in the grief of rejection that she assumed would happen,

The truest of tragedies about all of this is that Rachel had an infinite capacity for love. Indeed, if you asked her what she believed her soul’s purpose was, it was for love. Her heart was filled with potential and it soared with the feelings from another and for another. She lived too much in her head, though, over thinking, and unfortunately, talking her heart into destroying love. If only she had listened to her heart, followed her heart, and quieted her frightened, doubtful mind, she could have taken the leap. She could have found the faith that was barely beyond her grasp.

She wanted love, oh how she wanted to love and to be loved!

Wow, Rachel did an awesome job on this exercise—and spoke about issues of the heart we have all experienced at one time or another.  She worked very closely with her Love Mentor® and then she tackled the next exercise from Love in 90 Days, called the Right Time to Believe in Love.

Writing Exercise #2

Why now is a good time to love and why I am ready for the first time in my life    to love with complete trust, faith, and belief in myself, my partner, and my relationship

 This exercise is every bit as humbling as the previous one, for if you ask me to be absolutely honest. I will say that I believe I am ready for a relationship, yet is anyone ever completely ready? Are not the dynamics unpredictable when two hearts, minds, and spirits interact teach and learn from each other? You simply don’t know until you dive in and try. That’s my lesson from our Love Mentoring® work so far: to strip away the shroud of fears and jump with joyful faith into the risk. Once there, I believe I am far better prepared to flow with the give and take of relating.

I can say that I am more emotionally equipped to be a solid partner as I deal with my core fears and killer belief of “the chase me problem,” I can say that I am encouraged, feeling stronger by the day, more in tune and more fond of myself as I grow. I can say that my Love Mentoring “boot camp” of self love, emotional strength building, and physical fitness is being noticed by me and others. I can say that the issues raised by my partner were key and have haunted me long enough so that each day I pour my passion and exert my will into resolving them permanently. I am pleased by my progress. So in this regard, yes I am ready.

Given that my sight is crystal clear and my motivation akin to critical mass, I have set the following goals for myself. I read them and take them in a few times each day. They speak to my readiness for love. They are written in the present tense to underscore my achieving them.

• I trust love in my life.
• I release the belief that I will be abandoned when I love.
• I am at peace with my birth mother abandoning me. She recognized her mistake.
• The strong adult I am is nurturing, embracing, and adoring my inner child.
• The wall around my heart is gone.
• I love my partner and everything is alright.
• I permanently release the fear of love rejection.
• I permanently release the belief that I am being rejected.  My confidence is strong!
• My heart is open, bold, and free –I welcome love!

__________________________________________________________________________

Thank you Rachel, for your inspiring work!  If you would like to work one-on-one with a Love Mentor® like Rachel did, contact me ASAP for a session by phone or Skype at http://www.lovein90days.com/coaching/ .  You can have a free 40 minute Love Mentoring consultation with one of the handpicked, expert Mentors who work directly under my supervision.  Let me tell you, they are devoted, wise, loving and can help you get exactly where you want to be.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Dr. Diana Kirschner        ♥Dating and Relationship Advice from my Heart to Yours♥

1.      What is a Love Mentor®? What does she/he do?

A Love Mentor® is a devoted and inspirational coach who: helps you develop self confidence and your own unique charisma and beauty (what I call your Diamond Self Identity); assists you in clarifying exactly what you want in your dating and love life and holds that vision for you; develops a plan for meeting terrific men or moving forward with a guy of interest and helps you implement that plan as needed so that you meet with success.  A Love Mentor® provides deep emotional support, advice that works in regard to meeting and engaging great guys off-line and online, constructive feedback and “a swift kick” in the rear end whenever you need it!  She is like a practical fairy godmother!

2.      Did somebody coin the term “love mentor?” Is this a new concept?

I coined the words “Love Mentor®” and “Love Mentoring®” and I have the trademark for both terms.  They refer to coaching on dating and love relationships according to the proven principles in my books, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love and Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love.

3.      What kind of backgrounds/qualifications do your they Love Mentor®s  have?

I have 11 Love Mentors™ who work under my supervision.  They all have a minimum of a Master’s Degree in a mental health discipline, many years of clinical experience, have been extensively trained by me and have passed my written and an oral exam.  Also, they are all in lasting love relationships (they walk their talk).

4.      How would an ordinary woman go about finding a love coach? Are there guidelines/criteria for what to look for?

Here are steps you can take to find a love coach in your network:

• Figure out your needs—whether it is emotional support, guidance and knowledge about flirting, how to meet men through off- or online dating or  helpful criticism.
• Make a list of all the kind, wise people in life, ones that are successful in love (this is critical—they need to be in a healthy love relationship in order to guide you.)  This list could include a good aunt, stepparent, minister, a 12 step sponsor, rabbi, or a dear friend.

If you can’t find one in your network you can also consider hiring a professional Love Mentor™   Simply contact me at http://www.lovein90days.com/coaching/ Right now for a limited time we are offering a free 40-minute intro Love Mentoring® session by phone or Skype.

5.      How does one separate phony or incompetent dating coaches from the good ones?

Since this is not a regulated professional field, make sure any dating coach has some training in a mental health discipline as well as in dating coaching (this is quite specialized knowledge!). In addition, ask them if they, themselves, are in a lasting love relationship or marriage.

6.      When you say a Love Mentor®?  is an inspirational coach, is the person always a trained therapist? Or are love mentors different than therapists? They’re different from matchmakers, right?

There are many dating coaches out there who have very little formal training in any discipline and poor success rates.

My Love Mentors™ have extensive and varied training. They have training as therapists as a base from which to function and understand mentees, but they do not function as therapists.  They do not go into past traumas, or handle psychopathology—and they do not simply reflect back what a client is saying—they give very active feedback and advice.   Love Mentors™ are forward-looking, validating, instructing change agents who know the road to dating and relationship success. They do not set up women with dates or prospective partners.  That is what a matchmaker does.

7.      What does a love mentor cost per hour?

There is quite a range, because there are discount packages that include Love Mentoring sessions plus email Q & A backup and complete review and optimization of your online  materials and photos—plus a rewrite of your online profile.

8.      Is love coaching a fairly new concept?

Untrained dating coaches have been around for years.

9.      Do you have any testimonials about love matches, marriages, and/or permanent relationships you have made, or that your mentors have made?

We have numerous testimonials about women having great success in dating and meeting a wonderful partner.   For example, my love mentoring student, Midge Woolsey, who was the  on-air PBS Pledge Show host for my PBS Special, Finding Your Own True Love,  was a women in her fifties who got married for the first time to an amazing guy.  Our mentoring journey  is beautifully described in this NY Times article  http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/08/fashion/weddings/08woolsey.html?_r=1

10.  You mentioned that coaching about dating is a very specialized area. Can you add any details about what in particular such an expert has to know or do?

Love Mentors™ have specialized knowledge about: the research on the psychology of men and  the nature of attraction; how to overcome shyness and build personal charisma and attractiveness  in dating; where and how to meet potential partners in your daily life; how to optimize your online photo and profile; which online websites to use and how to use them to meet quality guys; how to flirt with and engage terrific men; how to date a number of men quickly and efficiently in order to find the “gems”; how to optimize the commitment process with the “One” and much more.

♥♥♥

Dr. Diana Kirschner

Dating and Relationship Advice ♥♥♥ from my Heart to Yours

www.lovein90days.com

“A soul mate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we’re pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other.”  Richard Bach

A question that I’ve been asked a lot is: “How can I tell if he’s my soul mate?” Followed by, “Can you really know for sure?” I have a whole chapter in my new relationship advice book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love, loaded with checklists and quizzes to help you figure out whether your partner truly is the One.  Here, hot off the press, are a few highlights on the soul mate question, adapted from that chapter.

Maybe you also believe that there is a soul mate out there for you. If you said yes, you’re not alone. Studies have shown that more than 90 percent of young adults believe in the concept, and 88 percent believe that destiny has determined that there is one and only one person who is your soul mate.

Amazing, considering that the idea is thousands of years old. In The Symposium, Plato described the soul mate as the person’s “other half” that has been split from him. The quest of life is to find that missing half, that twin flame. The theme has been exploited in movies like The Butcher’s Wife, The Time Traveler’s Wife, and City of Angels. Other views of soul mates include reincarnation and that the person is someone with whom we have shared other lives. The movie What Dreams May Come beautifully explored the profound connection that may continue after the death of one’s Beloved.

But the soul mate idea also carries with it the belief that a perfect person exists for us; if only we could find him or her, then love and life would be easy. This last belief has gotten people into a lot of trouble, especially in the area of commitment. By insisting on finding a perfect partner, many women have walked away from really great potential partners. Why? Because something was missing. Maybe it was chemistry, or maybe he didn’t match her ideal of the One, and so on. So they’ve ended up alone, still looking for that perfect soul mate. No wonder, then, that the renowned family psychiatrist Frank Pittman once said, “Nothing has produced more unhappiness than the concept of the soul mate.”

So what does science have to say about all this? Psychologists have found that people fall into two groups on the question of what makes for a successful relationship: Group one believes it’s based primarily on finding the “right person” (soul mate); while group two believes in the “work at it consistently” approach to lasting love. The soul mate group believes that choosing the right person helps overcome most of the problems that love throws our way. And if it doesn’t go so easy, we must have picked the wrong person. Therefore, on to the next partner. The “work at it” group believes that there are no perfect princes or princesses and that we are all works in progress. Therefore, a lasting love relationship is never an easy process, and we shouldn’t ever expect that.

Having been a psychologist for more than twenty-five years, and married to one man for the same long stretch, I can tell you that there are no perfect partners out there. Not me. Not my husband. Not any of my many clients, mentees, friends, or family members. Lasting love is a hard-won battle of personal discipline, compromise, dedication, and commitment.

But neither is everyone a good match for us. For example, there is research about scent and other physical traits playing roles in sexual attraction or desire. Other research shows that those who are of similar educational levels are more compatible. Therefore, while the one-perfect-person idea can lead to a long road of disappointment, there are certainly better and worse matches for us. If we are with a more compatible person, we are more likely to have the experience of being with the One who is a soul mate.

Chances are very good that there is more than one person—in fact several “Ones”—who could fit the bill for you. And all of them are less than perfect. But if there are no perfect partners, how can you know whether your current partner can fit the bill as a soul mate? Here are eleven relationship markers to help you know to what degree he is one of the Ones:

1.      When you’re with him you feel like you’ve come home.

2.      You feel like your partnership was meant to be; as if kissed by destiny.

3.      In your communication with each other, there is a rapid “knowing” of what each of you means.

4.      You have a shared mission in life, perhaps a cause, a career, or the creation of a family.

5.      When you’re together, the world seems like a better place.

6.      Your mood is elevated when you’re together. It’s not necessarily passion or excitement, although that’s there, too, at times.

7.      When you look at him, you see a part of yourself that’s been missing. Perhaps it’s his assertiveness or joy of adventure. But it’s something that, when added to your life, makes you feel more complete.

8.      Being together makes you more hopeful about the future you are creating.

9.      You can be more authentic and fully yourself around your partner.

10.  Being together makes each of you work harder on overcoming bad habits and becoming more loving people.

11.  These special qualities of connection are growing over time, not disappearing completely or diminishing.

Don’t worry if you don’t feel all eleven of these things happening when you’re with your partner. That’s where the imperfection comes in—either in you or in your partner. If you are experiencing six or more of these markers, chances are you are matched well. Over time you can work toward having all eleven of these soul mate qualities.

Bottom line: There are probably a number of guys who could click with you in a magical way as your soul mate. But if you are experiencing some magical moments of communion with your boyfriend, he could be the One of Ones. The connection usually happens in a variety of different ways. So stay open! To learn much more about soul mate connection, understanding the minds of men, and how to create commitment and lasting passionate love, pick up a copy of Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love.  Simply buy your copy online or at a bookstore and then fill in your purchase info at http://www.lovein90days.com/your-bonus-gifts/ and you will instantly get many wonderful free bonus gifts from my friends, Arielle Ford, Dr. Christiane Northrup and other self-help and relationship experts.  Oh, and of course, I have some special gifts for you as well.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter.

The census data tells us that only 1% of all marriages in 2008 were cougar marriages, that is, between a woman who was 10-14 years older than her husband—while only 2.6%  of the brides were 6 to 9 years older.  But even though these weddings are rare, the concept of the “the cougar,” an older woman who dates or marries a younger guy, is creating new possibilities in dating. In this Demi-Ashton era, many 40+ women have happily broadened their matches to include younger men.

But according to a survey of 100 self-proclaimed cougars the rules have changed.  The old stereotype of the man-eater woman, a la Stifler’s mom from ‘American Pie,’ no longer applies.  These days it is not about a sugar mama having a no-strings-attached fling. It’s about finding a new form of true love.

More than 90% of these modern cougars say they want a long-term relationship with a younger man. They expect the guy to pay his way—to cover dinner or split the check.  These women want  the full experience of dating someone who is romantic, chivalrous and, best of all,  relatively free of the emotional baggage of past relationships.  52% of the cougars in the study were in their 40s and their ideal guy is aged 24-27.  45% were ‘lifestyle cougars’ who have dated more than five younger men.

Over-40 women don’t mind being called “cougars” but they are redefining the definition of cougar dating.  They know what they want in relationships and are opening doors to new possibilities for themselves.  For more on the cougar survey, go to http://www.cougared.com/report

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter