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Four Top Sex Secrets–Part One

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Sun, 30 Oct 2011 21:28:18 +0000

Dating Advice, Relationship Tips & Sex Secrets

OK, while I don’t think that having sex is a great idea before you have a serious committed relationship, once you do, it is an entirely different matter. Once you are in committed love, sex is very important to make your relationship last and get even better over time. Sex releases endorphins, which elevate mood and lower stress and pain levels. After having sex, each partner associates feeling good with the other. Testosterone, the sexual hormone engine for both men and women, also generates feelings of connection. And finally, having sex drives up levels of oxytocin (the cuddle, tend & befriend hormone), which explains why for many men, (and women) having sex is usually synonymous with feeling intimate and close. So how do you create great sex? Read on for some top sex secrets!

Four Top Sex Secrets– Part One

Sex Secret #1–Novelty

Dopamine is one of the infatuation brain chemicals that gives us that awesome over-the-moon feeling. It is produced when we first fall in love and then through new and novel activities keep dopamine infatuation going. Well, nothing keeps the dopamine going more than novelty in bed. So sex secret #1 is: vary the places you make love, vary the way you set the stage through candlelight, a bubble bath, feathers, sex toys, whipped cream, or new kinds of lingerie and sexy outfits. Vary your foreplay and try different sexual positions. You might end up laughing yourselves silly as you experiment. Neither my husband nor I is a gymnast, so some of the Kama Sutra is a laugh riot for us. The most important sex secret is: Take it all as fun and games. In the end, make sure that both of you are fully satisfied no matter whether that’s achieved orally, manually, or through intercourse.

Sex is a wonderful gift to be enjoyed and shared by both of you. Good, frequent sex promotes your own physical and mental health, that of your man, and the vitality of the relationship. Among other things, it is associated with a reduced incidence of breast cancer in women who have never had a child, more restful sleep, greater pain relief, elevation of mood, looking younger, overall fitness, longevity, and happiness! Researchers have found that there are three primary ways in which couples interact with each other sexually: sexual trance, partner engagement, and role play. Sex secret #2 is about sexual trance.

Sex Secret #2 — Sexual Trance

Sexual trance involves an inward focus where each partner focuses on his or her own pleasure and sensations and creates a fulfilling sexual release. In win–win sex, each of you is pleasured and finds a strong release in orgasm. Learn by experimenting so that you know what works for him and what works for you. This is an important sex secret.
In order to learn what works for him, try touching, massaging, licking, or stimulating all the different parts of his body. Observe and ask him questions about what feels good. Try different sexual acts, variations of intercourse positions, and, most important, oral sex. Virtually all men adore oral sex. This is what men really want. If you have a problem with this, consider the fact that if your man showers, chances are his mouth has more germs than his penis does!
Ultimately you are responsible for knowing your body and creating the conditions for your own sexual pleasure. You can work on sexual trance by using what sex therapists call sensate focus. This simple but effective sex secret technique requires only that you be in an undisturbed place where you playfully touch and stimulate different parts of your body and learn about what sensations feel good to you.
My sex advice is, the more you know about your own body, the better your lover will be able to please you. Guide him by saying positive things like, “I love it when you stroke my breast gently.” Or “I would love you to use your magic mouth on my tummy and work your way down.” This is a critical sex secret.

You can learn much more about sex secrets and creating passionate lasting love in my relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love.” So pick up a copy. And we will deal with two more top sex secrets, partner engagement & role play, in Part Two of this Blog! Watch for it! Everyone can use a little sex advice to spice up their lives!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

♥Dating Tips & Relationship Advice from My Heart to Yours♥

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling dating advice book, “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship Tips and Dating Advice Newsletter.

Six Tips to Spark Chemistry with a Good Man

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Tue, 21 Dec 2010 14:45:29 +0000

This is it, you vow. I am ready to have a real relationship. With a nice guy. A good guy. Like Allen, from your last job, who was crazy about you. The guy who wanted to go out with you but you blew off –and now he is married with three cute little kids.

You are done with players, elusive hotties, the ones who come on strong and disappear, cheaters and all-around heartbreakers. You are sick of being disappointed, hurt, betrayed, furious and depressed. Sick of lying on the couch with the remote and your cell while you go through a whole tissue box worth of tears.

You know that choosing from this pool of nice types will save you a lot of wasted time with men who are not into you, scoundrels who betray you or narcissists who blame you for any and every problem. You are ready for a partner who is your best friend.

But there is one hitch: You just don’t feel it with the nice guys. No chemistry. No tingle where it counts. No adrenaline rush when he looks into your eyes. There is this one guy you met online, the paunchy one. He is a great guy, successful, giving, crazy about you, and even has nice eyes, you think. But there is no spark. Are you doomed because of some weird neurological wiring and biochemistry to only be drawn to those you can’t have?

Answer: No you’re not. I’ve worked with many women who complained of the same dilemma. And now they are married to great guys. What’s their secret? Here are six relationship tips from my new book, Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love that you can use to join the lucky ranks of women who overcame their initial lack of attraction and fell in love with terrific guys.

1. Remember to give him a real chance. Even if he is balding, paunchy, nerdy, or is not particularly attractive. In fact, you want to date against type. Be honest with yourself: Has dating your type gotten you anywhere? Even if you are not exactly blown away on the first date, remember to stay open. Go for at least a second or third date. You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting them once. You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides. If there is any connection with this person at all, give it another chance. Chemistry can happen in a heartbeat.
Practice my Opening Possibility Exercises Now (OPEN.) If a guy seems crazy about you, is willing to grow, and is a good guy–use my OPEN Techniques to see what may be there. First, think of him as a present wrapped in nested boxes. As you interact, you are unwrapping the present and finding out more and more things about him that may be wonderful. This process often leads to marvelous chemistry and connection!
Use affirmations before each date. I have fun with this man. I see the hidden possibilities in (his name). This man is a present for my enjoyment. More will be revealed about this person. I uncover and enjoy the wonderful aspects of this man. I find chemistry with (his name).
Go on dates that are exciting, novel and get the adrenaline pumping. Novel experiences can stimulate adrenaline and give you a rush while exciting dates produce dopamine, the brain chemical of love. Go on a roller coaster at the amusement park, rock climbing at your gym, take a helicopter ride, try hiking on a high, winding trail or wind-surfing, make a mad dash to catch sunset at the beach, scream yourselves silly at a football game or the racetrack. Studies show that people who are emotionally aroused, whether by joy, fear, or any feeling, fall in love more easily. As two love researchers once wrote, “Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder.”
See him in his element. Plan a date around skiing, a performance of his rock band, a wine-tasting event or whatever he excels at. You will catch sides of him you haven’t seen before. His personal power and charisma will be at their height and just may open up a host of juicy feelings.
Try turning yourself on first. Go on a date wearing your sexiest lingerie under your clothes. Flirt with him, get touchy-feely, whisper in his ear and maybe kiss him.

If he suddenly comes back with some sensual moves, your ‘chemistry experiment’ may prove to be a sparkling success! Remember, that love almost always comes in a surprise package; most people do not end up with the kind of person they imagine for themselves. The woman who dates starving artists marries a rich, balding lawyer. One of my love mentees who was deeply infatuated with a hot George Clooney look-alike (he was married) later created a gem of a marriage with a short plain guy who was her champion and a healing force of nature in her life. So practice these six relationship tips and your love life will make a 180° turn.

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new relationship advice book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter

Kate Middleton’s Four Secrets for Marrying a Prince

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Sat, 11 Dec 2010 08:11:39 +0000

Public scrutiny at every step that would be enough to drive anyone batty. Eight years of on again, off-again dating. And yet Kate Middleton hung in there with her real life prince. Finally, while the couple is on an exotic trip in Kenya, P. William pops the question. I wondered, just how did the couple go from casual to committed?

Well, here are four relationship tips that Kate may have used to bag one of the most sought-after bachelors in the world. They are based on my experience with helping thousands of couples come together to find lasting love. If you want to deepen your relationship and move forward to living together or getting engaged, give these strategies a try.

They are based on one cardinal rule: Avoid Seriousness and Drama. When things drag on in an uncommitted state it is easy to get frustrated about ever coming together in a shared future. And then you might become serious, distant, whining, or bitching out in the relationship. Which only serves to push him farther away. Avoid this process like the plague. Instead get back to what brought you together in the first place: FUN.

Research and my own work suggest that four kinds of fun are important in kindling and reigniting commitment: quiet enjoyment, humor, excitement and novel activities.

Quiet Enjoyment

First, create situations and interactions where you are happy, content, enjoying yourself, and having fun, and he is, too. We’ve all seen Kate and William share activities like museum exhibits, plays, movies, parks, picnics, day trips or long walks. Think about setting up activities of quiet enjoyment that you can share. They could include cooking a new dish, preparing a feast for friends or family, playing card games, hanging out at a community pool, or lounging in front of the TV and watching an entire season of that sci-fi or comedy series you both love. These activities lead to holding hands, touching, looking at and appreciating each other, which in turn produce the hormone oxytocin—the bonding and attachment hormone.

Quieter activities for your downtime together are perfect for couples who lead stressed lives. If you want to really connect with a highly stressed guy, try not to run him around too much, and make gentle physical contact with him that tends to slow his motor down—rub his back, lie with your feet touching, or whatever works for him. When I interview these guys about their mates and why they chose them, they nearly always point to how they felt at peace around them. I’m not saying you should never go to a club and stay out all night or go bungee jumping. There’s a place for that as well. But for bonding, there’s nothing like being alone and hanging out doing something you both really enjoy.

Humor

The second type of fun is easy to incorporate into your routine. You could watch funny movies or more sophisticated cartoons together; go to comedy clubs; or share funny moments of teasing or clowning. Shared laughter is a great stress reliever and bonding agent. Humor can be used to validate the other person or for you to lightly make fun of your drama; these are both different ways of connecting. Laughter can also break through and soothe upset or bitter feelings. For all of these reasons, shared humor has been shown by research to be a key component of happy marriages.

Excitement

I know you probably can’t go to Kenya like Kate and William. But you can have high times going crazy together over a high-voltage vid game. This type of fun gets your adrenaline pumping and simulates the speedy brain chemistry of falling in love. You could hit the amusement park, go bungee jumping, take a helicopter ride, hike a mountainous trail, scream yourselves silly at a basketball game or have a footrace at the beach. Studies show that people who are emotionally aroused by any feeling, including joy or fear, fall in love more easily. As two love researchers once wrote, “Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder.”

Novel Activities

The royal duo have been on some memorable trips and shared novel activities together. Novelty has been shown to be a key factor in developing personal and relationship satisfaction. It helps to produce dopamine, the neurotransmitter of pleasure. Change things up: where you make out or make love and where you go on vacation. Do something out of the ordinary, like taking a cross-country road trip or going camping at the beach instead of staying at a hotel.

If you want to go from casual to committed, share quiet enjoyment, as well as humorous, exciting, and novel activities. No matter who plans it, make sure the fun happens. As your partner feels good around you, he will want to spend more and more time with you. And your happiest-ever-after with your prince may be just around the corner.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & author of the highly acclaimed new book, “Sealing the Deal: The Love Mentor’s Guide to Lasting Love” (February, 2011) as well as the best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days.” Dr. Diana’s revolutionary work is the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE Relationship and Dating Advice Newsletter

He’s Just Not That Into You Quiz: Thirteen Questions to Ask Yourself

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Mon, 08 Nov 2010 11:52:19 +0000

Are you a woman who has obsessive thoughts about hotties who sweep into and out of your life? Well, you are not alone. It’s amazing how many of my readers and love mentees go to excruciating lengths making up excuses and stories to justify their fantasies about unavailable men. They waste hours and hours thinking and dishing about how, “He’s on a deadline at work.” “He’s out of the country,” or, my personal favorite, “He’s really in the process of leaving his wife.” Of course, none of the stories are the reason he doesn’t call, text, or email. The real reason is: he’s just not that into you.

The point is that a whole lot of time is spent on defensiveness, self-protection and daydreaming. And then, after all that wasted time fantasizing and making excuses, surprise, surprise–the dude finally manages to wriggle free and disappear from our lives. Only then does the truth hit us, and often with a wave of heartbreak and pain. Bottom line: love is no simple walk in the park. Often it is hard to trust our instincts and judgment.

How do you know when to fish or cut bait? Just how do you really tell if he is just not into you? Or as I put it: How do you know how to stop wasting time on a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude)?

To help you answer these questions, take this simple quiz adapted from my book, Love in 90 Days: The Essential Guide to Finding Your Own True Love. Give your boyfriend one point for each of these 13 characteristics:

Eager to see you and reluctant to leave
Wants regular consistent contact, asks for dates
Interested in you and your life
Wants to be helpful
Is verbally and physically affectionate
Wants to be romantic and sexual with you
Texts, emails or calls regularly
Acts like you are very special; doesn’t really want to date others
If you are dating other men–willing to hang in there
Becoming more attentive and loving over time
Becoming more open to sharing his feelings and thoughts
Becoming more open to sharing his living space
Becoming more open to sharing his social life with friends and family members.

Please be really honest with yourself as you rate your guy. When in doubt, ask your closest friends to help you. If your man has a score of 4 or less, it probably indicates that he is just not that into you. If he gets 5-10 points the dude may have possibilities. Eleven (11) or more means he just may be the One. Look for more of these qualities over time to make a clearer assessment.

If your guy has a low score, you do not need to cut him off right away. A simple way to protect yourself from the “he’s just not into you” deadly dating pattern is to also date two other guys by going on what I call the Dating Program of Three. On this program, you do not have sex with any of the men (kissing and canoodling is OK!) in order to avoid the out-of-control infatuation that comes with getting too physically and emotionally involved too soon. You let your main guy and the others know on the second date that you are dating others and “taking things slow.” A guy who really is into you will stay the course and win you.
Bottom line: if you want to find the One, look for a man who provides regular and consistent contact that gets better over time. You should find yourself continually surprised at how he fills your needs to be chosen, appreciated, romanced and celebrated for who you are. Envision this kind of love and choose guys who are that into you.

And to help it happen for you be sure to take advantage of my FREE ongoing support. You can learn exactly how to tell the DUDs from the STUDs, learn how to Find, Attract and Date terrific guys and create Lasting Love that is just right for you by subscribing to my Dating Tips & Relationship Advice Newsletter, absolutely FREE! Just Click Here to get started now!

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana

Diana Kirschner, Ph.D. is a frequent guest psychologist on The Today Show & best-selling author of “Love in 90 Days” (dating advice book)” out now in paperback (at Amazon) with a new chapter on “Dating Games Men Play.” Love in 90 Days was the basis of her PBS Special on love. Connect with Dr. Diana through her FREE relationship & dating advice newsletter.

Five Relationship Tips for Couples in Winter

Dr. Diana Kirschner — Thu, 04 Nov 2010 17:29:03 +0000

When winter closes in and you’re closeted with your significant other, your relationship can turn boring, irritating or downright infuriating. But you can turn this stuck-with-each-other situation into an opportunity—a great opportunity to have a breakthrough in your love relationship using just one of these five love tips:

1. Discover each other all over again! Have Ten Minute Listening Sessions where one person gets to talk, free associate, and say whatever is on their minds while the other simply listens with full attention. The listener does not speak. No matter what, use a clock and honor a full ten minute session. Then switch roles. Anything said in that time is sacred and cannot be brought up during an argument! You never will know your partner’s world until you really listen.

2. Do the Miracle Exercise. Each of you write out the answer to the following questions: What would your life be like if a miracle happened and you became fully content and happy with your life? How would you be acting? How would your partner be acting?
What else would be different? Read your answers to each other. Then, for the rest of the day, both of you commit to behaving as if the miracle has occurred.

3. Play Sexy Dress Up. Let your fantasies go wild by finding sexy lingerie and other sex play outfits. Dress up and role play being the nurse, doctor, maid, dominatrix, vixen, or sex slave, and create a hot escapade that is entirely different from your normal sexual routine.

4. Be Dessert for Each Other. Get naked, grab the whip cream or chocolate syrup and make yourself into a sumptuous dessert for your partner. Make sure you lather it on in the areas of your body that give you the most pleasure.

5. Play Strip Poker. The loser of the hand takes off an article of clothing, reveals a secret or describes a sexual fantasy. If you go all in and win, you can ask your partner to take off all of his/her clothes at once. But if you lose, well you get the idea. Either way, there are no losers in this game.

You can learn much more about keeping passion and love alive in your relationship for FREE just by signing up for my Dating Tips and Relationship Advice Newsletter. Click here to get started now.

Wishing you love,

Dr. Diana